How many of you know and are on the same committee as I was on? You know the one with all the voices in your head keeping you from sleeping because they are up all night having a meeting in your head about your kids, your finances, your health, your job....you can fill in the blanks....
For many years the committee kept me awake too many nights to count over the course of my life. The weird thing is, is that they retired this year during one of the most difficult times of my life. Last year at this time I was a typical "40 something" going to work every day and feeling like I was on the perpetual hamster wheel of life. The job, the kids, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for pets.... and the list goes on and on, just like your list.
On a Tuesday after feeling nauseated for days, I left work 15 minutes early because I was literally sick to my stomach. A tall co- worker was standing in my cubicle talking to me and it was making me even more nauseated to tilt my head to look up at him. I literally couldn't wait 15 more minutes to leave work on time. The day I left early, I didn't realize I wouldn't be back. My nausea turned into non-stop vomiting and it spiraled out of control to complete chronic, spinning vertigo that would not leave. I was couch ridden for months. I needed help with the activities of daily living such as bathing and I even needed assistance to go to the bathroom. It was a living nightmare that I had no relief from. I was too sick to even pray. I was in survival mode. I actually was hoping that I would die and be put out of my misery.
Most of you know this story so I won't continue with too many details but the long story short is that this wasn't an ear problem like I had hoped. After many doctors visits, with my throw up bucket, and LOTS of testing, it was determined that my "ear" problems were not stemming from my ears. It was a central problem coming from the most primitive part of my brain, the brainstem. My MS is what had been causing this chaos. Over the course of the year, the vertigo morphed into chronic dizziness upon any movement with episodes of vertigo if I moved my head in a weird way or when I lay down to sleep. When I began to come out of the "fog" sort to speak, I realized that my anxiety and depression that I struggled with throughout my life had been lifted. How could this be? I'm going through the worst physical trauma I've ever experienced and I'm at peace? YES!!! My prayers from many years ago were being answered at THIS time, HIS time. How odd but true. I had so many people praying for me at that time and they may not have "seen" a healing but there was one. I am in no way saying that I never experience anxiety or depression. I do like any normal person, but I don't lose sleep due to it. I do not take medication to relieve myself from it and I don't stay up all night because of any committee meetings. That is God. He does what He does, when He chooses to do it or not do it. Who can argue with God? (Romans 9:20) I don't understand His ways, they are not the same as ours. (Isaiah 55:9). Don't stop praying, pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 3:17). You may be surprised at what He does.
Exodus 14:21
English Standard Version (ESV)
21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided.
Notice where it says "all night". God is not sleeping. He is up in the night taking care of us so we can rest and sleep. He was dividing the sea so the people of Israel could just walk through. He does that for us too!!!
2 comments:
Well first I have to say that you should be a writer because you know I absolutely hate reading but was so interested in your blogs that I read them all :P I even forgot I was in the waiting room of the doctor's office. And last, I think that you are someone many people look up to, especially me. You are truly an amazing human being. I love you. (:
When is your book coming out? Amazing and inspirational post!
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