Let's Try This Again...

James 4:13-14
New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will[a] go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; 14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.

I have truly come to realize that we wake up "thinking" that we know how our day will go. We may have big plans or none at all but in the back of our minds, we think we have a good idea of how our day will go. Today I will be having another nurse come out to show me how to auto-inject an MS drug I will start taking today. I have self-injected before, for the first two years after I was initially diagnosed. I got up early this morning in anticipation of the nurse arriving at 10:00 am like she said yesterday. She was to call me this morning at 9:00 am to remind me to take some Advil & Benedryl prior to her arriving. At 9:15 am, I took the pills without the reminder, because she didn't call. I am still giving her the benefit of the doubt and believe she will be here at 10:00 am. It always amazes me how there are so few people who run on time. Being late seems to be the norm for a lot of people. Already my day isn't going as I "expected". You would think by now I would expect to not expect anything. :)

I'm so glad that I can count on God....

Psalm 118:8
New King James Version (NKJV)
8 It is better to trust in the Lord
Than to put confidence in man.

A Table of Believers

John 13:35
New King James Version (NKJV)
35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Last weekend Kenny and I were blessed with the opportunity to partake in the celebration of a friend's special birthday. It was one of those times where a long table didn't do the party as much justice as a large round table would have. It was beautiful yet my heart and ears were straining to hear EVERYTHING that was being said by EVERYONE at the table. When a group of believers get together, there is a love for God and a love for one another that just flows and flows and flows. We have grown with each other in the Lord over the years and we have such a deep love for one another. Only the Spirit of God can unite people like that. Our conversations revolved around our love for Jesus and what He has done for us. This motivates us and births the desire in us to spread the "Good News" of the gospel, so that others can experience the same forgiveness and grace that He has imparted to us. There is something very special that transpires when believers get together. We are knit together by His Holy Spirit. It is such a beautiful thing...

Colossians 2:2
New King James Version (NKJV)
2 that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, and attaining to all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the knowledge of the mystery of God, both of the Father and[a] of Christ,

If you desire to be part of this family, all are welcome and invited. This is not an exclusive club. This is the family of God.

John 1:12
New King James Version (NKJV)
12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name.

A Day in the ER

Today was a weird day. I knew Amanda, my 20 year old daughter had been under the weather all day yesterday. In the morning she sat down with me, as she often does, and told me about a weird dream she had. There was a bear in her dream and it scared her to the point of it waking her up with a pounding heart. But she had sharp pain in the center of her chest as well. She fell back asleep but in the morning upon awakening, she continued to have chest pain, shortness of breath, upper back pain, shooting pains into her head....at first I thought it was just a weird physiological reaction to her dream but as the day went on she was not herself. She slept all day. Completely fatigued and unable to stay awake. By dinner time, she was just getting up. As I cleaned up some dishes, I told Kenny that I had a feeling of impending doom. I just felt like crying. In my heart I sensed that something was wrong with my child and that feeling is horrible. Amanda has had a few health problems that many of you may remember after a "tonsillectomy gone bad" incident a couple of years ago. She continued to get severe throat infections, swollen lymph nodes and very high fevers continually. She almost didn't graduate high school and then needed to take a medical leave from college due to her chronic illness. Kenny and I took her to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville and came home with no real answers. She had some short seasons of better health but that never lasted long. This incident was random and different. When I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and I felt burdened about her health, or lack thereof.

Amanda left and went to work this morning, but not too long after she got there, my phone rang and it was her. They were getting a replacement for her at work so she could leave. She called and made a doctors appointment and she swung by to pick me up so I could go with her. The doctor was very thorough and listened to her as she explained the weird sensations that were difficult to put into words. I was blown away as I listened to this weird physical experience. After doing an EKG, and examining her, he recommended going over to the hospital. Reminding us that there are young people who have heart attacks too. So off we went.

As we were walking into the ER, she turned to me and said, "we're probably the only two people walking into the ER smiling!". I was so grateful at this moment. It turned out to be very true. The place was crowded to the point of there not being enough rooms or beds for all the sick people. The faces of the patients were sad, many contorted with pain, fear, loneliness... One patient expired while we were there and they warned us about what was about to take place, as far as the removal of the body. We saw so many hurting people. The EMT's just kept them coming. As I sat there watching a middle aged woman on a gurney gasping for breath, I was confused as to how God keeps it all in order when it seems like total chaos. He is aware of EVERYTHING. Nothing goes unnoticed by Him. He was there when that man took his last breath, He was there as that woman was gasping for breath, He was there as a man tried to exit his room naked, He was there with us too. I prayed to feel His presence today and I did.

When we first arrived we were greeted by a young man that looked very familiar to me. I whispered to Amanda that I knew him but couldn't remember how. As we spoke to him we realized we knew him through our church. He is a friend of a good friend of ours. He was our first touch from God...Later when the cardiologist came in to visit, he asked about any past health history. Amanda and I looked at each other like how can we do the short story of the "tonsillectomy gone bad". Come to find out that this doctor had a botched tonsillectomy by the same exact doctor when he was a kid! Both he and Amanda had regrown their tonsils after their surgeries. The cardiologist told us about how he had to have a second tonsillectomy, by a different doctor of course. We just laughed and laughed. As the day went on, I could feel The Lord's presence and knew that He was with us. I was determined to look at the storm in front of me and not take my eyes off Jesus. I made a conscious decision to think about the Lord and talk to Him as we went along in our day. We made the best of the situation and enjoyed each other's company and ate saltines together when we were starving. Saltines never tasted so good to us. I felt like we were truly living in the moment. Finding the diamond in the rough.

I have exchanged texts with her tonight as I am home now and she's still there in the hospital. My heart hurts when she's away like this. She's 20 years old but she's still my baby. I am praying for all this stuff to be removed, but if the Lord has a different plan, I pray for comfort, peace and joy in the midst of it all. He has done that already. Praise be to our great and awesome God!!!

Sadness and Joy at the same time?

I'll never forget when one of our very special friends passed away and went home to be with the Lord. I experienced something that was new to me, it was a weird combination of both a heavy sadness and an overwhelming joy. I came to find out that I wasn't the only one who felt this way, so did a lot of the other family members and friends of this very special man. Is there a word for that feeling? I don't think there is, in the English language that I know of anyway. It was a unique experience for me. I was so sad yet so joyful at the EXACT same time. In my life before I knew Jesus, death was scary, sad, morbid, and the end of someone that I loved and cared about. There was a complete lack of knowledge about where that person went. After years of coming to understand what the scriptures say, I realized that if someone "dies in Christ", they enter eternal life with Him. That is something to celebrate! The bible says in Psalm 116:15, Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. That is amazing to me! The bible also says,

2 Corinthians 5:8
New King James Version (NKJV)
8 We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.

We as "believers" have this incredible heavenly hope. The more we see a loved one suffer here on earth, the more joy we experience in knowing that they are no longer suffering and that they have "fallen asleep" in the Lord and opened their eyes to eternity with Him. One thing that many people don't realize is that everyone will experience eternal life. Where that is going to be is determined by whether or not you have accepted and received God's free gift of salvation through His Son Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection three days later, as atonement for your sin. Jesus Himself has told us that He is the way, the truth and the life, and that no one will get to the Father except through Him( John 14:6) . The bible also says,

John 3:36
New King James Version (NKJV)
36 He who believes in the Son has everlasting life; and he who does not believe the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him.”

What keeps me going in my daily life living with Multiple Sclerosis and all the other obstacles that come my way, is knowing that after this lifetime of many trials and tribulations, it will end in a spectacular way. It is not a death wish, it's a new life wish. God has determined the day of my death and it won't come one second before or after the time that He has determined. But when it comes, and He calls me home. It will be a beautiful thing. I am looking forward to eternal life with Jesus. Only suffering can give us the longings for "something more" than what this world has to offer. There are only so many material things such as cars, vacations, parties, jewelry, clothes, homes, and the list goes on, that will never fill our deepest longings. Only God can fill the void in our human hearts. Nothing and No one else can. Until then, I will put all of my eggs in one basket and that basket is Jesus.

I Slept Too Much! or Have I?

Yesterday, I got out for a couple of hours with Amanda in the morning. We met a very special person we love, who is visiting from out of state, for breakfast at Cracker Barrel. When we got home, I was "hit the wall" tired. A familiar feeling for those with MS. I actually laid down and took a nap. Four hours later I woke up and dragged myself out of bed. That is not the norm for me. Today, I slept in later than I have since I was a teenager, too many years ago to count. I woke up and saw that it was 10:00 am. That is completely unheard of for me! The worst part about all this sleeping is that I'm not waking up refreshed and I feel like I could go back to sleep again. Considering that I was one to get up at 5:00 am regularly, this has been a difficult thing to get used to. I took pride in being an early riser. I could get so much done in the wee hours of the morning. I am having to just "roll" with what comes my way. If my body needs more sleep, I need to just sleep. If I am unable to walk through a mall, I need to just stop. If some chores don't get done, well, they don't get done. There is no shame in not being able to do everything the same way I was able to last year. Does there ever come a time when one becomes accustomed to living in the moment? Not getting down on yourself because your body needs more sleep or rest? Our society runs on "fast forward" and I miss that sometimes but it is no longer possible for me to "roll" that way. I need to live in the moment. I can't waste my time feeling sorry for myself or being bitter because my life is different now. I choose to live with joy in my heart! I will wake up, no matter what time it is, seek first the kingdom of God, and move about my day as He leads and guides me. There is no "wrong" way if I live my life putting Him first. There aren't any rules for waking up at a certain time and there are no rules as to what chores get done at what time or on what day. Grocery shopping can be done on a weekday instead of Sunday. Sometimes we set up rules in our heads and feel constricted as if we have to live by them. Today I choose to be joyful in the midst of MS fatigue. I encourage anyone else out there struggling with physical limitations to be kinder to yourself today and to keep your eyes on Jesus. I am doing the same.


Proverbs 3:5-6
English Standard Version (ESV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Have I Suffered At All For Christ?

Philippians 1:29
English Standard Version (ESV)
29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,

Sometimes we read a verse and it takes on a whole new meaning depending upon what we are experiencing in our own life. This verse has meant a lot to me over the years and I've read it many times while reading Philippians, but most recently, I used my purple pen and really outlined the already highlighted verse. I know that in the scheme of things I haven't suffered at all compared to the majority of people on this earth. There are people martyred for their faith in Jesus across the globe regularly, maybe even daily. I have not suffered that type of persecution or suffering. I haven't been beaten, stoned, starved, shipwrecked, tortured, severely persecuted, imprisoned.... BUT, in my own life I have suffered as He has willed for me in my life. I have suffered through anxiety, depression, divorce, financial woes, death of family members, chronic illness and disability.... I take joy in knowing that the small amount of suffering is so worth the weight of glory on the other side.

Romans 8:18
English Standard Version (ESV)
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

There is a huge part of me that thinks, "I am honored to be able to partake even in the smallest amount of suffering so I can identify even in a tiny minuscule way with my Savior, for His sake, not my own".

I read something in a book today that made me realize just how selfish I really am. Even in regard to my "suffering" through MS, I'm anticipating a reward in heaven. Even that is so incredibly selfish! I can't wait for this flesh to be just completely removed and to be able to see without these "sin stained eyes", that He is my Great Prize. Not the crowns, jewels, mansions.....JESUS HIMSELF IS MY GREAT & GLORIOUS PRIZE! The wonderful thing about this reality is that I already have access to Him now!

Until the time I am called home and I am face to face with Him, I will need to pray regularly what John the Baptist said in John 3:30 and it reads in the English Standard Version (ESV) 30 He must increase, but I must decrease.”[a].

Lord help me rid myself of me, I want to be focused on You and others today, in Jesus' name. Amen.

My Facebook In-box Blesses Me Again!

When my kids were younger, I would say while they were in middle school, technology was my "enemy". It was the time in our family when decisions needed to be made about cellphones. I didn't want to go there at all. Are you serious? You think you need a cell phone in middle school? I said no for what felt like an eternity to them but I actually found myself liking the idea that I could call my kids while they were coming home from school or anytime they were out of my sight. Back then, I caved and got some "free" Nokia cellphones for them. Our lives changed drastically. Prior to our unlimited texting plan, I remember Kenny pointing out the tens of thousands of texts that my kids were sending and receiving from their friends on our cellphone bill. We had many battles back then regarding cellphone usage, texting in school, not answering calls from me, the true owner and bill payer of all the phones and many more issues. Over time, this technology actually made my life easier.

Fast forward to today. Kenny and I are enjoying technology. Kenny, maybe a little bit too much. He actually has become quite the "techy". I am the "damsel in distress" in need of his techy services most of the time. If something can go wrong with my phone or I Pad, it does. My phone misbehaves regularly (most likely, it's the user). Bottom line is that since I've been home this past year, technology has kept me from being a "shut in". The first 3-4 months out of work I was too sick from chronic vertigo to do anything but vomit. I couldn't stand without falling down. It was horrible. Once I was able to stop throwing up and my nausea eased enough for me to focus, although I still had double vision and blurry vision, I still got back on Facebook. I was able to "stay connected" with my friends. I was also able to view church services "live" on line. All of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale's services can be viewed live on-line. What a blessing that has been. Technology was now my friend.

This morning, I was blessed by another message in my in-box from a new Facebook friend in India. I see God using social media like Facebook to increase His Kingdom and for ministry. I am blown away by how God can use anything and everything to accomplish His will. During my latest relapse, this precious sister from India had been praying for me along with all the people from her wonderful ministry across the globe. These precious prayers were heard by God, and He moved in a way that was according to His will. We are knit together by His Holy Spirit. What a family it is! What a blessing to be part of His plan. Thank You Jesus for using ALL things, including technology to bring You glory. There is a lot of kingdom business going on through the use of the internet. The Word of God is spreading faster because of it and this I would think would mean that His return could be a lot sooner than we realize. No one knows when that will be, but we need to be ready. He promised that He was coming again. Have you considered His return?


Mark 13:32
English Standard Version (ESV)
32 “But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.


Mark 13:10
English Standard Version (ESV)
10 And the gospel must first be proclaimed to all nations.


Matthew 24:44
English Standard Version (ESV)
44 Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.


Matthew 24:14
English Standard Version (ESV)
14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

The God of Comfort & Hope

I am a very transparent person. Sometimes I find that I pour myself out to the point of no return. I do so in hope that people will see that I am human and that I too have emotions but more importantly that they can see my GREAT HOPE!!!! My heart's desire is that anyone who happens to read anything that I write, will come to know the hope, the joy and the peace that comes from knowing Jesus personally. If you don't know Him that way, just ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Just a simple prayer lifted up to Him can be life changing! You will be amazed how He will reveal Himself to you in a way that only you would know that it has to be Him. Today seems to be a somewhat better day physically and I am overflowing with joy in my heart that I just want to share. Today I received a friend request on Facebook that I accepted. I also received a private message from this same woman, who I know will become a new friend who also has MS and who also loves the Lord! God continues to use this disease called Multiple Sclerosis to enrich my life and He continues to use me. I am truly overflowing with joy in the midst of my MS today. A breath of fresh air has blown through my spirit as His Holy Spirit flows through my life. Thank you all for your many prayers. They sustain me through my darkest times. Once again, I am truly blessed!


Romans 15:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Roller Coaster Ride

Yesterday was a much better day. I woke up feeling well enough to go to church and I did. It was wonderful to see all my brothers and sisters in the Lord! It was good medicine for my soul and spirit. It was my first time back since my most recent MS relapse. After church, we enjoyed lunch & ice cream at the famous Jaxson's for Father's Day. The Miami HEAT game, on TV last night was the perfect ending to this delightful day. My good day yesterday has been followed by a "not so good" day today. The residual damage to my central nervous system is so draining on my physical body. My dizziness is in overdrive, my stomach is upset, my head hurts, I'm numb, and I'm fatigued.... I don't feel like doing anything. It can be very difficult living on the MS roller coaster. The highs are high and the lows are low. The only thing that never changes is Jesus. He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). That is why I will choose to focus on Him today and every day. Lately, it has been very difficult for me to adjust to my new limitations. They have changed a lot this past year, and even more so in the past month. I've had two "major" relapses in one year and the residual deficits are slowing me down quite a bit. My mind is swimming with ideas of the many things that I want to accomplish today, but my body is screaming " NO!!!!". On Mondays, I like to do chores. I like to get enough done to allow myself to relax so I am able to read or write without looking around at all the things that "need" to get done. If a friend of mine told me that they felt like I do today, I would tell them that, "the stuff can wait and to rest until you feel better". Why do we say different things to ourselves than we would to a close friend? The trouble with MS is that it never ends. It continues to attack your brain and spinal cord in a way that I find myself unable to come up for a breath. It feels like it is suffocating the life out of me at times. That is why I choose to meditate on God being unchanging. He is my strength and my fortress. I'm not saying that when I meditate on God, that it changes my circumstances per say, but it certainly changes my attitude in the midst of them. I pray that anyone who is reading this and is in pain, hurting or feeling alone, would realize that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us ( Philippians 4:13) and that you are NOT alone. Keep your eyes focused on Him and I will do the same.


Psalm 59:16
English Standard Version (ESV)
16 But I will sing of your strength;
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.

The Turn Around Day

Yesterday was a day that I tried my best to take control of my life and my health. I know that we all have responsibilities but I am amazed how often I "forget" that God is in control. I ended up with a secondary infection due to my immune system being suppressed from the course of heavy duty steroids that I was given for my MS relapse a few weeks ago. I have been very uncomfortable so I grabbed the reigns and tried to make myself well. I used too many "home remedies" and "over the counter" products combined, I created my own "perfect storm". I was a disaster! When I took a moment to pray, I actually started to get somewhere. Doors opened for me. One of my busiest doctors was able to get me in immediately.

Today has been much better. It seems to be a sort of "turn around" day for me. I woke up and actually felt somewhat better than I have lately. I honestly can't get over the sense of accomplishment from doing a few simple chores around the house. Just being able to get anything done at all is nothing short of a miracle for me. Just a few weeks ago I had another really bad MS relapse. I thought that nothing would ever come close to being as horrible as vertigo and vomiting but this bout of transverse myelitis, with its severe pain, numbness, (almost to the point of paralysis), lack of control over the use of my leg, and a numbness in my lower torso, came very close! I threw my need for prayer out there on Facebook and what did I get? I got PRAYER!! Lots of it!!! Well, since then, I have been getting better every day and have regained some of the feeling back on my right side. With transverse myelitis, the internet seems to agree on many websites, that with this condition you have a 1/3 chance of not getting better at all, a 1/3 chance of a partial recovery and a 1/3 chance of a complete recovery. Due to the nature of my MS, I seem to be in the category of a partial recovery. That's not to say that over time it won't get even better (all things are possible with God), but it's not likely. I am so grateful to be walking at all again. During the past few weeks, Kenny and I got all my "equipment" ready. My wheelchair came out of hiding, we bought fresh new batteries for my scooter and we bought a nifty blue Hugo walker with a built-in seat. I am back to just using my cane in public and I have never been happier to be using it. Funny how the cane that I initially felt awkward using is a joy to use now. I don't hesitate to use a scooter for longer distances now. My lack of a complete recovery has left me with sporadic pain and residual numbness in my right leg and foot and a numb left foot. I have regained a good amount of my strength back in that leg though. I have been experiencing spasticity in my right leg that is actually making it easier for me to walk. A stiff leg is easier to walk on than a flaccid leg with no control. Bottom line is that I am doing better day by day and I am so grateful and thankful for all of your prayers!!! I know that God has heard your prayers on my behalf and He has answered them. Thank you all so very much!!!! I am truly very blessed....

Just "Believing" Isn't Enough

What I am coming to realize lately is that A LOT of people believe "a little of this and a little of that". They really don't have a strong belief in any particular thing, let alone spiritual matters. People "pick up" ideas along the way that they hear from other people, that they like and that sounds good to them. They just keep adding on to their own thoughts and ways, basically making up their own "religion". Jesus said in John 14:6 "I am the way, the truth , and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me". He is the ONLY way. He's either lying or He's insane. It HAS to be considered.

Many people consider themselves christians because their parents were or because they went to church as a child. That is not what makes anyone a christian. Even the demons believe in Jesus and tremble! (James 2:19). Many people hear the gospel, which means "good news" and don't continue to repent (turn away) from their sin because they are fearful of what man thinks of them, or in other words, they care too much what their friends will think about them. This is what the following verses are referring to,

John 12:42-43 (NKJV) 42 Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; 43 for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.

The verse talks about how they believed, but didn't confess Him because they loved the praise of man (their peers) more than the praise of God. It takes a lot to follow the Lord. It goes against the world's view about things. Jesus said some pretty extraordinary things while He walked this earth. One very critical thing that Jesus said was:

Matthew 10:32 (NKJV) 32 “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.

This means that if we are ashamed to confess Jesus to our friends, co-workers or others, He will not confess us to our Father in heaven. That is pretty scary.

I was invited to church by a neighbor and I heard the "good news", and I responded by surrendering my life to Jesus back on July 31, 1996. I could never have done this life without His help. I feel so sick most days that I am now even feeling sick in my dreams. When my eyes open upon awakening and I'm dizzy, nauseated, numb, and in pain, I ask Him to help me get out of bed and He does help me. I ask Him for strength for the day, and He provides it. I know I would have caved in years ago under the weight of my anxiety, depression and disease, but I have kept my focus on the goal. I press forward through my adversities and infirmities knowing I have a heavenly hope.

Philippians 3:14 (NKJV) 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

What's your ultimate goal???

What's Good and What's Bad?

Have you ever actually thought about some of the most tragic situations in your life and thought, wow, I can actually see the good that came from that now? I have. It makes me realize why God may ask us to thank Him in ALL circumstances good and bad.

1 Thessalonians 5:18
New King James Version (NKJV)
18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Ephesians 5:20
New King James Version (NKJV)
20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have tossed this thought around in my head often over the course of this rough year. Who are we to say what is "good" or what is "bad" if God is working ALL things out for our good (Romans 8:28). I was chatting with my daughter Amanda about this recently and we were discussing one of those occasions. Kenny and I had taken her to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida because she was having terrible health issues that weren't getting resolved. She even had to take a health related leave from college. When we look back at pictures from that time or talk about the experience, we actually have fond memories of that time now. It was like a small vacation for us. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express and ate at some fun restaurants. We even have funny memories of the elevator in the hotel that had a funny voice and a bizarre unrecognizable accent. When we pressed the "down button" she would say, "going down" in such a funny way that we would burst out in laughter. It was like Siri's weird sister. We also had quality time together that we will never forget. I also think about my horrible experience with chronic dizziness and vertigo this past year (I'm dizzy as I type). I searched out some "dizzy support groups" via Facebook and have been blessed with some awesome new friendships. People who have vestibular disorders, brain lesions, ear disorders.....

Bottom line is that while you are experiencing something bad or even terrible, hold tight to the Lord. Keep your eyes focused on Him as He gently leads and guides you through. You may not see the beauty in your mess as it is occurring, but I can promise if you love Him, he is working it all out for your good, and He is working on increasing your faith, which in turn will bring Him praise, honor and glory.

1 Peter 1:6-7
New King James Version (NKJV)
6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

It Takes More Faith to Persevere through Suffering

I have to say that I have been going through A LOT of physical ailments lately. My most recent health issue is one too private to announce. It would be "TMI" (too much information). The more I suffer through physical ailments, the more I realize that my faith and hope are much more valuable than my health. The Lord has allowed these sufferings to continue and through faith I will persevere. I will not fall victim to my circumstances because I know the outcome is going to be glorious. In the book of Romans, verse 8:18 (NKJV) says, 18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

There are many people that may look upon me and pity me. They may pity my husband as well because of what the Lord has permitted to occur in my body. The bible says in Romans 8:20 (NKJV) 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope. Yes, God does allow us to be subjected to illness but not without hope.

I am so glad that the Lord has found me worthy of His calling on my life. The peace I continue to receive from Him continues to never fail me. I don't doubt His love for me. This year has made me realize that this is His will for my life. I have come across other believers who have allowed the false doctrines to penetrate their minds. They believe that God would never allow one of His children to suffer so. I have been told that my faith, or "lack there of" has kept me ill. I have been told to "shush!" my mouth when saying that this is God's will for me, that my words have "power". I have been told by other "believers" that I need to "claim" my healing. This is all rubbish. In the midst of my worst sufferings, during my seasons of severe vertigo and vomiting, I pleaded with the Lord to remove it from me and He said to me what He said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV) 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Yes, even the great Apostle Paul suffered tremendously.

His grace IS sufficient for me, therefore I will boast in MY infirmities. My hope is in Him and Him alone. Im the first one to admit that this isn't fun and games. I am not enjoying this roller coaster ride of Multiple Sclerosis and other ailments but the bottom line is that the following verse is true . Romans 8:28 (NKJV) 28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Although you may not be able to see the "good" in my struggles and quite honestly, I can't either most of the time, there is Someone else Who can, and that someone is God. When I meet Him face to face, it will ALL make perfect sense.

All this suffering is going to be worth it. I'm not alone in my sufferings. God allowed His only begotten Son to suffer, the bible says in Isaiah 53:10 (NKJV) 10 Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise Him;He has put Him to grief. When You make His soul an offering for sin, He shall see His seed, He shall prolong His days, And the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in His hand.

I pray that anyone who reads this, who doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus, will come to know how much our God loves us and how He has made a way for us to live with Him forever. Our sin separates us from a Holy God. Therefore we need a sin sacrifice that can cleanse us from all iniquity. That is Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:21 (NKJV) reads, 21 For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. All we need to do is repent, that is to turn away from our sin and believe that Jesus died for us individually, surrender our life to Him, acknowledging that He is the One in control, not us and receive Him as our Lord and Savior. The bible says in Romans 10:9 (NKJV) 9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. I implore you to consider these things. It's a matter of life and death, heaven or hell. I am looking forward to heaven and my new glorified body, are you too?

2 Peter 3:9
New King James Version (NKJV)
9 The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us,[a] not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.

Romans 1:16
New King James Version (NKJV)

16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ,[a] for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.

Truly Counting it ALL Joy!!!

Yesterday was the perfect example of a "blah" day for me. My day began as usual with my time with the Lord. When I went to blog, I literally went completely blank. I sensed a knocking on my heart to just be still. I decided it was going to be a day of rest for me. I watched Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale's 8:00 am service "live" on- line as Kenny was there serving. Pastor Doug Sauder was amazing as usual. The message seemed to be directly aimed at my heart. A message from God Himself about the Holy Spirit. Just what I needed to hear.I felt a surge of joy after ingesting the spiritual food that I was starving for. It satisfied me. Hours later, after spending most of my day on the couch due to complete exhaustion, I still desired to fellowship with my friends at our MS bible study. No matter how sick or tired I may be, I almost always make it to this particular bible study. It comforts me beyond measure. We have a lot in common and it's not just our MS. It's the God of all comfort that we have in common. That is what sets us apart. Upon reading in James 1:2-4 this morning I couldn't get past these verses, which reads,2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. Multiple Sclerosis is a very long road. It is what I call a "life sentence", not a "death sentence". Therefore, it takes a lifetime of endurance and perseverance. Over time, the Lord is doing His work in me and I am slowly learning why we are to "count it all joy". In all truth, that verse seemed ridiculous to me many years ago when I was a new believer and had given my life to Jesus. As the years go by, and trials big and small come into my world, this verse has continuously jumped out at me. Sometimes scripture just clicks! Yesterday, a precious couple that I hold extremely dear to me, surprised us all by driving another friend that we hadn't seen in many years to the bible study. When I heard her voice my heart leapt for pure JOY!! When I saw her face, we hugged for what seemed like an hour!! Squeezing each other in pure love for one another!! These precious friends are ALL gems to me. These people would not be in my life if it were not for this dreadful disease. We are ALL, as believers, more than conquerors through Christ Who gives us strength ( Romans 8:37). Our joy doesn't come from the trials themselves but our victory through them with Christ!!! My "blah" day ended in pure joy. One of our friends from this special group of brave soldiers was actually baptized in the neighborhood pool by two "Wonderful Elders" who lead our group. We are a blessed group indeed! I won't mention names but you all know who you are and I love you ALL in such a deep and special way. Our reward will be Jesus Himself and I know this group of friends will be most appreciative of our new glorified bodies in heaven. Until then, we will fight the good fight of faith ( 1 Timothy 6:12) with the power bestowed upon us from God Himself.

Wonderful Husband

I have to tell you about this man I am married to. He has not had an easy road. It has been a difficult one, especially over the past year. We have Apple TV, and when we are finished watching a program, our family pictures are displayed like a slide show on our television. One by one, as the pictures go across the screen, we are reminded of our beautiful life together. Our three beautiful children, our pets, our home, vacations and other memorable times we have shared as a family. These pictures are also a sad reminder of the drastic contrast in my health. This past years has been a rough one. It is actually like a blur. Being in the midst of MS relapses basically running into each other and not having clear distinct recoveries. The disability starts to add up with MS. You lose a little more as time marches forward. The one thing that I haven't lost is a loving, caring and wonderful husband. Many people in the same type of physical condition as I am in are not as fortunate. Many sick people are left in the dust to live life alone or may still be with a spouse that is unable to show love. I can never take this for granted. My husband puts God first and I come next. Since we both do that, the Lord is the third Person in our marriage. The bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT) 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Without the Lord, who knows what would have become of our marriage. When our common goal in life is to eventually hear those words from our Lord, "well done good and faithful servant"( Matthew 25:23), it gives us a common goal. It isn't easy living with a spouse who is chronically ill. He is quite often put in the position of caretaker while still working and maintaining our home. There have been many months this past year where I have been unable to care for myself, let alone the chores that need to be done. I am blessed with a selfless husband who knows where his rewards are being stored. He is asleep right now as I type. I take peeks every once in a while and look at this wonderful husband that the Lord has blessed me with. I am eternally grateful for this gift of God that I have been blessed with. Yesterday was another rough day for me but when push came to shove, when I rolled over on my good side to close my eyes and go to sleep, my husband's arm wrapped around me and there has never been more of a comfort for me here on earth than the affirmation of his love for me. May I NEVER take him for granted and may the Lord bless him greatly for his obedience to Him. Thank You Jesus for my "wonderful husband".

The Quilt

Isaiah 41:10
New King James Version (NKJV)
10 Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Kenny bought me an awesome sewing machine for Christmas, two Christmas' ago. He didn't just buy the machine. He bought literally EVERY thing else one needs to sew. Cutting mats, rulers, rotary cutters, fine scissors in all shapes and sizes.....the problem with the gift was that I had never sewn anything in my life. Not by hand or by machine. I had to watch a YouTube to learn how to sew a button on one time and I was so proud of my accomplishment. The new sewing machine was the most intimidating gift I had ever received. I was actually scared of it. How would I ever figure out how to thread it, make bobbins (I didn't know what a bobbin was), change the presser feet (of course I didn't know what those were either). The machine is a Brother PC-420. Top of the line and sews all kinds of fancy stitches. I never used it. It sat with the cover on it for over a year basically untouched.

One day while walking through the "east corridor" at church, Kenny and I saw that the "Piecemakers Quilting Ministry" had set up a table. I stopped by and told them that I wish I knew how to quilt and that I was blessed with this sewing machine that I didn't know how to use. The woman encouraged me to come to one of their meetings and they would help me and show me the ropes. We e-mailed each other and when the time came, I was too busy between work and all the other things in my world tugging at me, including my MS. When I told them that I wasn't well enough to commit to weekly lessons at that point in time, they were so gracious. They stayed in touch with me, sent me cards in the mail and they even called me to say that they were praying for me and had a gift to drop off.

Well, one of the gals did stop by my home. She prayed with me and presented me with one of the most beautiful quilts I had ever seen. I felt awkward because I just knew that there were people who were A LOT sicker than I was and I felt that they misinterpreted how sick I was. My MS is a chronic condition but it didn't keep me from living life. I came to find out that THIS WAS NO MISTAKE. This very same quilt is on my lap right now. GOD KNEW WHEN I WOULD NEED THIS QUILT. A few months later is when I left work that fateful day and was plagued with the worst vertigo, vomiting and inability to function. That quilt has been on my lap through all kinds of turmoil, not just keeping me warm but it has been a tremendous comfort to me. The ladies had sewn a square on it that has my name on it and the above verse, Isaiah 41:10. I would meditate on that verse when I was deathly ill. It was probably the only scripture I had seen in weeks. I was too sick to do anything. There were days I couldn't muster the strength or ability to even shower but that quilt was always there. It still is. My present from God. I treasure it. He used the hands of these woman to bless me with a quilt that I didn't think I needed. He knows all of our needs before we do or before we even ask ( Matthew 6:8).

Since then, I have taught myself with YouTube tutorials and the help of some very close friends, how to use my machine. I make small things here and there and I have almost completed my very first quilt. It's been a slow process because just leaning over to cut fabric makes me dizzy. I sew as I can and I enjoy every moment of it. I have a love for quilts now. I love to just look at them and I love the feel of them. God has planted yet another seed in my heart. Who knows, maybe He will water it so I can bless others some day the same way I was blessed. God is so awesome!!!!

Starting with the "Big Guns"

Recently, I asked my husband if he had read the bible that day. He said no. Now, that doesn't mean that he hadn't read devotions, listened to teachings, prayed, worshipped or read commentaries. I realized that same day that I'm a "devotion junkie". I'm the first one to open a small devotional, followed by multiple e-mail devotions from some of my favorites like Joni Eareckson Tada and quite a few others BUT, I realized that we have an enemy that wants us to stay out of the actual Word of God, the bible. I received a text from a friend this morning of a verse from Luke. It was Luke 12:31 which reads: But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. When I got up, I went straight to my bible and landed at Matthew 6:33 which reads: Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. This is an example of how the Lord speaks to ME PERSONALLY. I knew then that I would say a prayer before getting out of bed every day and I would go straight to "the Big Guns", my bible. Not the one on my I Pad, but the one with the pages falling out, highlights, circled words and notes. There is nothing wrong with reading the bible on your phone or tablet but if you're anything like me, I will go from thing to thing to thing based upon the "banners" that flow across the top of my I Pad causing distractions and tempting me to think about Facebook, the stock market, e-mail, Words with Friends and so on.....I have decided to go for my bible first and to seek first the kingdom of God through His Holy Bible first. I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to draw near to God. This one's for me. I just thought I'd share how He spoke to me today.

BTW, if the friend who sent me the text is reading this, thank you, I needed that, and yes, I read The Word before blogging!!!! :)

Taking Things for Granted

I have a habit of taking things for granted and I know I'm not alone. I saw someone on Facebook post "what if we woke up the next day with only the things we thanked God for?" That really got me thinking. I thought I was doing well in the thankful and grateful department lately until I read that statement. I read a book a few months ago called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and it made me aware of my lack of gratitude towards even the most simple things. I downloaded an app that corresponds to the book and it gives you the ability to keep a journal type list of all the things you are thankful for. You can even download or take a picture to go along with the "thing" you are grateful/thankful for. I was on a roll. I had pictures of my husband, kids, dogs, friends, a banana bread I made, things I sewed, my sewing machine...you get the point. I made it close to 200 in a short period of time but I noticed lately that I've been slacking. I know I don't have to keep up in an app to show my appreciation for the people and things in my life but it brought about more of an awareness. As Americans in general, we are blessed beyond measure. I am sitting on a comfortable couch, in air conditioning, food in my belly, a husband and kids who love me, and all the comforts of home, including the I Pad that I'm typing on. There are undiagnosed sick people living in huts with dirt floors who are suffering with pain and disease and they don't know what is wrong with them or have adequate medical attention. There are people without a home or even one family member who loves and cherishes them. We have to be mindful of the things we complain about. I am just as guilty as the next guy. It's hot, it's humid, I have a headache, the nurse can't get my IV started, I'm hungry.....we must sound so ridiculous to God at times. I'm so grateful and thankful that He doesn't just smash me like a cockroach and take me out of existence when He has heard enough of my grumbling. This blog is for me because I think I have the right to complain when I don't feel well, which is often. That is a lie. I have NO right to complain. The bible says to do all things without grumbling or disputing (Philippians 2:14).

Stop, take a look around you. I'm sure there are countless beautiful things and people in your life to be grateful/thankful for. Hey, I've been grateful this week for my new walker. Who would'a thunk? I'm even more grateful that I'm not needing to use it today!!!

Here are just a handful of verses that mention being thankful:

1 Thessalonians 5:18
New King James Version (NKJV)
18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 107:1
New King James Version (NKJV)
107 Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.

Colossians 3:15
New King James Version (NKJV)
15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Philippians 4:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

Ephesians 5:19-20
New King James Version (NKJV)
19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

The Committee

How many of you know and are on the same committee as I was on? You know the one with all the voices in your head keeping you from sleeping because they are up all night having a meeting in your head about your kids, your finances, your health, your job....you can fill in the blanks....

For many years the committee kept me awake too many nights to count over the course of my life. The weird thing is, is that they retired this year during one of the most difficult times of my life. Last year at this time I was a typical "40 something" going to work every day and feeling like I was on the perpetual hamster wheel of life. The job, the kids, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for pets.... and the list goes on and on, just like your list.

On a Tuesday after feeling nauseated for days, I left work 15 minutes early because I was literally sick to my stomach. A tall co- worker was standing in my cubicle talking to me and it was making me even more nauseated to tilt my head to look up at him. I literally couldn't wait 15 more minutes to leave work on time. The day I left early, I didn't realize I wouldn't be back. My nausea turned into non-stop vomiting and it spiraled out of control to complete chronic, spinning vertigo that would not leave. I was couch ridden for months. I needed help with the activities of daily living such as bathing and I even needed assistance to go to the bathroom. It was a living nightmare that I had no relief from. I was too sick to even pray. I was in survival mode. I actually was hoping that I would die and be put out of my misery.

Most of you know this story so I won't continue with too many details but the long story short is that this wasn't an ear problem like I had hoped. After many doctors visits, with my throw up bucket, and LOTS of testing, it was determined that my "ear" problems were not stemming from my ears. It was a central problem coming from the most primitive part of my brain, the brainstem. My MS is what had been causing this chaos. Over the course of the year, the vertigo morphed into chronic dizziness upon any movement with episodes of vertigo if I moved my head in a weird way or when I lay down to sleep. When I began to come out of the "fog" sort to speak, I realized that my anxiety and depression that I struggled with throughout my life had been lifted. How could this be? I'm going through the worst physical trauma I've ever experienced and I'm at peace? YES!!! My prayers from many years ago were being answered at THIS time, HIS time. How odd but true. I had so many people praying for me at that time and they may not have "seen" a healing but there was one. I am in no way saying that I never experience anxiety or depression. I do like any normal person, but I don't lose sleep due to it. I do not take medication to relieve myself from it and I don't stay up all night because of any committee meetings. That is God. He does what He does, when He chooses to do it or not do it. Who can argue with God? (Romans 9:20) I don't understand His ways, they are not the same as ours. (Isaiah 55:9). Don't stop praying, pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 3:17). You may be surprised at what He does.

Exodus 14:21
English Standard Version (ESV)

21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided.

Notice where it says "all night". God is not sleeping. He is up in the night taking care of us so we can rest and sleep. He was dividing the sea so the people of Israel could just walk through. He does that for us too!!!

Coincidence or God's Plan?

At my previous job, prior to my MS diagnosis, I would pre qualify people medically on the telephone for Long Term Care insurance. We had a script to follow which included just the right amount of pertinent medical questions to help us determine whether or not someone was insurable for this type of insurance. The first question we would ask cut to the chase immediately and it read, " being that I CAN'T see you, do you use a wheelchair, walker or a cane??? I don't know how many times over the course of many years at that particular job I asked that question on the phone but God in His amazing ways has been asking me lately a similar question. He has a sense of humor at times and speaks so clearly to me if I could just quiet myself long enough to listen to Him. Even my thoughts are too wordy. The question through this relapse that has been gnawing at me lately has been, "being that I CAN see you, ALL the time, today will it be a wheelchair, walker or a cane?" This most recent adventure has put me in an awkward state of living in the"unknown". Within days starting last week, I went from having a small patch of skin on my lower right hip area that just hurt & ached and I was unable to touch it without pain. It morphed in a very short period of time to unbearable pain throughout my lower entire bikini area. The skin felt like I was dipped and burned in hot oil. I couldn't touch my own body or allow the shower water to touch the area without severe pain. I wore my husband's baggy boxers for days. The pain continued to morph and stabbing sharp pains were added to the painful symptoms. It felt like I had someone stabbing my back, ovaries, bladder, hips....the next morph was a numb right thigh that was added to the strange mix and over the course of a few days I was numb from my right hip down to my toes with a loss of my ability to lift my own leg, balance or walk. Google said I had "Transverse Myelitis" and that the next step in my disease process was becoming paralyzed. Yes, I did freak out. It was getting worse by the minute, literally. I put the call in to my doctor. My wonderful husband drove me there, we arranged the spinal MRI, I had the MRI and then we waited for the call. The doctor normally doesn't make me come in for the results. He quite often will just call me. The MRI's are actually done downstairs so he gets the results basically instantly. I got the call but he wouldn't talk to me on the phone. He wanted to see me. That's NOT a good thing in my world. Google was correct, as usual. I was having a very active attack on my thoracic spine. It IS "Transverse Myelitis" due to an active lesion and inflammation in my spinal cord in the thoracic area and I need a heavy duty dose of steroids on the sooner side of things. There was the walking down the hall "test" as usual and I could barely walk. More talk about trying another MS drug and I was off to go home and begin to get this disease process to slow down before the paralysis kicked in. The setting up of the home health nurse seemed to take forever and by the time she came out, her first day with me was UNsuccessful. She was unable to get my IV started because I have the worse veins EVER! This is the part where I needed to remember God's sovereignty. He knows. He knows everything. I needed to spend time with Him and have Him reel me back in. I was trying to control my body, my health, my treatment....HE IS IN CONTROL. I meditated on this fact. It soothed me. I drank tons of water the next morning and the second nurse thanked God that she got my vein the first try. The gold cross on this nurse's neck comforted me. I was brought back to reality. Heaven. This life is but a vapor. I hugged this nurse, we exchanged kind words and she left. The first unsuccessful nurse returned to administer the drip. The juice was finally flowing. Please Lord, slow this crazy disease down. I don't want to feel paralysis....its now been over a week. I am showing signs of improvement. Only God knows the outcome and I'm good with that. I had Elders pray and anoint me with oil again and I rest in His plan. He comforts me and gives me peace in the turmoil. He promised me He would. He is not a liar. I am gaining control of my leg to a certain degree, my pain for the most part has been relieved. I have a lot of "stuff" still but I'm so grateful for it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. He works it out for my best because I love Him. He promised He would do that too. (Romans 8:28). Although the question of the day is still " wheelchair, walker or cane?", it's all good. Once again, He is in control and I can rest in His plan for me.

Glory to the King

I remember my husband being excited while telling me something that he heard a pastor in our church discuss one day. It was a lesson on serving in the funeral ministry. It was brought to his attention that day how many times in a lifetime the Lord actually heals us. People look at death and forget the countless healings throughout their lifetime. The many times the Lord removed anxiety, depression, a head cold, flu, or even healed part of the CNS that was destroyed in an MS attack. Why do we forget what He has done for us? He has been worthy of much praise and glory all these years and we are like the leper that never looked back or thanked Him. Let that not be so in my life. As I am slowly recuperating from an MS form of transverse myelitis, I am singing praises and thanking Him for EVERY little change in my body, good or bad. I want the world to know how awesome my Savior is and how He is a real and living God Who has taken away my sin and healed my diseases over the years. I'm not in denial. I do have MS but I KNOW it is only for a season. There is no disease in heaven and our lives are but a vapor. Enjoy Him now and it will prepare You for enjoying Him eternally. He is EVERYTHING. Glory to the King.

Human Bodies Amaze Me

The human body is amazing. The sensations from my right hip down to my toes is beyond the English language. There needs to be better adjectives to describe when your spinal cord can create pain, numbness, pricklies, tinglies, contractions, stiffness, spasms, heaviness and other weird things all at the same time. It's not that I would ever wish for anyone I love to have MS but maybe just a few minutes to feel what it feels like. Not for pity but because it's fascinating! I'm a nursing school drop out but never lost my love for learning about the human body. How can anyone not believe in God when He created these amazing bodies of ours? Even when they go haywire, they are still amazing.