One Picture of Grace...

After attending the same church where God saved us for 17 years and we had served there diligently in service oversight for most of those years, we began feeling the need to listen to other bible teachers in order to get fed spiritually. I remember Kenny and I crossing Alligator Alley on our way to Sanibel one weekend quite a few years ago and we listened only to podcasts by Pastor Tullian. His messages were addictive as we listened to one after the other, yet something in me felt like they were too good to be true. I had mentioned that to a friend of mine who attended Coral Ridge Presbyterian. I told her that he seemed "unbalanced" in his teachings. He's always talking about grace. It almost made me mad because I wanted to believe that what he was saying was true, but I doubted. In my heart I never felt like I was measuring up as a Christian after all these years. I couldn't understand why I always had some of the same struggles and why it seemed to me that everyone else around me had it all together but I didn't. I was getting physically sicker, I had to leave my profession due to my illness, my kids were going off in different directions and I was often told that it was because of what I was or was not doing. At one point I was even told by a Christian sister that my young adult child needed a curfew. I was also told by yet another sister to never speak the words Multiple Sclerosis because I was "claiming it".  I just couldn't control my life and make it better. I didn't want the burden of trying to be God anymore. Enter Pastor Tullian's books, Jesus + Nothing = Everything, Glorious Ruin and eventually One Way Love. The chains were beginning to fall off of me...I could breathe again. 

After praying for the last 3-4 years about seeking a new home church, God answered our prayers. Because of my MS, I am not that mobile due to chronic dizziness and autonomic dysfunction. We had begun to watch church on-line and one Sunday I randomly decided to turn on Coral Ridge instead of our former church. Pastor Tullian started his series on Romans that very day. I was hooked from that day forward. Everything about the experience made me want more, the worship, the message and the gospel being preached in a way that made my spirit re-awaken. I felt like a starved person getting a free meal at an endless buffet.  After watching on-line a few times, I took a screen shot of some of the lyrics to the song "From the Depths of Woe". I just had to hear that song again. Kenny searched for it and found it on-line and he ended up downloading it onto his computer. I walked in his office one day and it was playing through the speakers. I said, "that's the song I fell in love with!". I couldn't listen to it without weeping every time. From that day on, I told Kenny that no matter how bad I felt physically, I had to get to Coral Ridge Presbyterian to experience it live and in person. 

Our very first time attending, Zac Hicks and the worship band played that very song. Without sounding like I'm over spiritualizing, I felt like God had said to me, "this is your new home and church family". We never looked back and God has kept me well enough to attend every Sunday since. We heard about the New Member Meeting and we were determined to go. Little did I know that right before the meeting, after having MS for over 12 years, I would go completely blind in my right eye. I had to do a 5 day course of IV Solu-Medrol which makes me feel like absolute death when I come off the drug. The New Member Meeting was held on a day when I felt my absolute worst physically. I felt like I should have been driven to the hospital instead of the New Member Meeting but I was just so determined to be there. I had my bad eye covered like a pirate so I could see better out of my good eye. As Pastor Tullian was listening to everyone's testimonies in the room, my heart was racing because it dawned on me right at that very moment that God had allowed me to go blind physically yet spiritually, I could see better than I ever had before! I have so much gratitude & thankfulness for Pastor Tullian's passion to deliver the true message of the Gospel in all it's fullness to ALL who will listen. I felt compelled to thank him for the huge part that he played in my life as he helped to set yet another captive free!  I told him that I was blind but now I see!!! New light has been brought to the words of my Savior...

Luke 4:18-19 English Standard Version (ESV)

18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,

    because he has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives

    and recovering of sight to the blind,

    to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.”

Dysautonomia added to the list...

Psalm 46:1

New King James Version (NKJV)

46 God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

My life has once again been changed, A LOT. A new word has been added to my vocabulary, Dysautonomia. In particular, POTS, which stands for postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. It's when one has dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system which messes with one's ability to maintain a normal blood pressure and heart rate upon standing. In between these episodes, which are a regular part of my day, I have heart palpitations, mild chest discomfort, jittery & shakiness, shortness of breath and just an overall unwell yucky feeling. I have seen my General Practitioner, my MS Neurologist and a Cardiac Electro Physiologist. They all seem to concur that this is my diagnosis. Whether or not it's a stand alone disorder or if it's actually caused by my MS seems to be a bit of a mystery, but regardless, it is treated the same. I'm currently taking some medications to help alleviate the debilitating symptoms. I've started taking a new beta blocker called Metoprolol and also a drug called Midodrine that helps stabilize my blood pressure. It has been a fine balancing act of trying to take these medications in a way that helps relieve some of the relentless 24/7 symptoms that I experience. When the meds start to wear off, I'm at square one. It has been like climbing a mountain daily. This is all on top of my MS symptoms. Only God could get me through my days. The reality of my daily sufferings and continuing to be a wife and mom can be very overwhelming. My abilities are decreasing once again which tends to be par for the course with Multiple Sclerosis. In an effort to draw closer to The Lord, I have been taking a fast from social media. It has been very freeing in that my OCD-like obsession to scroll through the entire newsfeed has been broken. This has freed up my day for more bible reading, book reading, devotion reading, listening to teachings and journaling my prayers. This I feel is more of what I would like to accomplish with my time. God is my refuge and my strength. He is my very present help in my time of trouble. He is the Living God. No different than the Living God we read about in our bibles. He's the same yesterday, today and forever. If I am feeling distress, I cry out to Him. He hears my cries and knows my pain. He comforts me. He reminds me through His Word that this is all temporary and that He loves me and won't ever forsake me. I don't enjoy living with MS and now Dysautonomia, but I can definitely see His fingerprint on my life as I strive to know Him more daily in my walk (which is now closer to a crawl at this point). Who else is going to understand the depth of my pain? No human could ever fill the need I have to be understood completely. He knows my frame. He knows every hair on my head. Nothing comes my way that He doesn't already know about. I can rest in that. It gives me peace in the midst of my trials, which are many....

Love Your Enemies...

Matthew 5:43-46

English Standard Version (ESV)

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?

Last night Kenny and I had "date night". We haven't really had a date night in quite a while. Our normal Friday night date night routine had turned into Kenny going through the drive-thru at Pollo Tropical because I have felt too unwell to cook or to go out for dinner. My latest ailment (dysautonomia) added to my long list of ailments has been drastic fluctuations in blood pressure and an increased heart rate that have brought me to the point of feeling like a limp wet noodle on the verge of passing out almost daily. The cardiac specialist has adjusted my meds and my body is trying to behave so that I am able to function at least a little bit. 

Well, back to date night. We went out for dinner and afterwards we went for some frozen yogurt. We sat outside to enjoy the cooler temperatures. There were some rowdy, loud, vulgar mouthed young men walking back and forth along where we were sitting. I started getting chilly so Kenny left me momentarily to get my sweater out of the car. While he was gone, the young men walked past me again and were intentionally using extremely vulgar language in what seemed like a plot to get a reaction from me. I kept my thoughts to myself, kept my eyes looking downward and away from them and I ignored them. Inside my head, my mind was racing. I had so many thoughts running through my brain. I actually felt quite vulnerable and was scared they may try to mess with me somehow.  I felt such anger about their behavior and also a deep sadness that these kids were so incredibly disrespectful in the company of the adults around them. My flesh wanted to rise up and tell them what I thought about their vulgar language but I could actually sense the danger if I were to do so. Kenny returned with my sweater and I told him about the vulgarity that he missed while he was gone. We continued to hear their loud rants going on behind us. While leaving and walking to our car, we had to walk past them. One of the kid's yelled out to me, "nice stick!", referring to my cane. I honestly couldn't believe a young man could be that rude, cold and heartless to a middle aged woman like myself. I thank God for my husband's self control because the scene could have gotten ugly. 

This brings me to the verse above. To be honest, I wanted to take "my stick" and knock the kid silly. I actually was struggling with how to respond to him and lifted up a quick prayer for wisdom and self control. I looked at my husband and told him how I literally felt like beating the kid with my cane. As we got in the car and I thought about the entire situation I could tell that I was being put in a position to "love my enemy". My heart began to soften a bit and I actually regretted not doing something "radical" like hugging him. That could have turned out really ugly too. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?". Yes, I needed to do what I did. I exercised self control and I prayed for those young men. I continue today to keep them in prayer along with the entire generation of youth. Not all young people act or behave this way obviously, but for the ones that do, I pray for them. I'm grateful that no one decided to play the "knock out game" with us and I'm also thankful that my husband and I know Jesus. I pray those young men will meet Him too before He comes back as Judge....He is definitely returning! 

Revelation 3:11

English Standard Version (ESV)

11 I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown.