Always making adjustments...

Matthew 6:34

New King James Version (NKJV)

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

As my days go by and my MS progresses, there are times when my only goal for the day is a shower. I do have some more constructive days where I actually accomplish some tasks (chores, crafts, cooking...). I have been taking naps almost every day lately and I am allowing myself to do so without listening to "the voices in my head" that tell me that I'm being lazy. Since God created me, I will always have my very own place in this world regardless of what this nasty disease called MS does to me.  No one else can be me. (I don't think anyone would want to be anyway, lol). I know that I often put pressure on myself to do more and sometimes that is a good thing, but sometimes my limitations need to be dealt with by resting. I am getting better at listening to the needs of my body. I have learned that it's ok to say no sometimes. Quite often I will find myself, like many of you do, where I am being pulled from every direction to do this or to do that. I am learning to do what I need to do in this unpredictable life with MS and that is "to just roll with it". If I am able to do whatever it is, great! If not, I will move forward and not look back. Being that I never have symptom free days anymore, like I did early on in my disease course, I have to adjust my daily routine as needed. If my hair goes unwashed an extra day, well so be it. A chronic disease can teach one a lot about what is important and what is not. I do what I am able to do when I can and I take the time to rest when I'm unable to do certain things. My favorite saying lately is, "it is what it is". That is true. No matter what my future holds, God is unchanging. Focusing on the "what ifs" have never been productive for me or anyone else that I know. More often than not, they don't happen. Crossing each bridge as I get to it is a much better plan. Today I polished my fingernails blue. I had Amanda pick a color for me. It would have never been my choice but hey, I'm mixing it up a bit today! Live for today and in each moment.   Enjoy every detail of your life. For in the blink of an eye, our life as we know it could change in a very unexpected way...we need to love each other passionately and extend grace to each other as well. Isn't that what Christ has done for us?

It isn't over till it's over...

2 Timothy 4:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I just read a devotion that used basketball as an analogy to life. It brought to mind game 6 of the NBA Finals series that I watched the other night with Kenny. Towards the end of the game it began to look hopeless for the Miami Heat. So hopeless in fact that many of the fans actually got up and left the game only to learn that they missed a great over-time and their team WON! I remember talking to God during that exciting game and wondering which team had more people praying for a win. I was going to be one of those fans who was praying. I'm not saying that the HEAT won because of my prayers or anyone else's (only God knows), but it made me realize that we as believers should NEVER be tempted to lose hope in this life no matter how terrible things are looking or feeling. I often wonder why The Lord allows me to suffer daily with dizziness, nausea, vertigo and the buffet of symptoms that this disease (MS) has to offer. My life seems surreal to me at times. This blog today is a reminder to myself and for all those who have put their complete trust in The Lord Jesus for their salvation that, "IT ISN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER!!!" None of God's children will lose!!! We need to hang on to Him and His promises during this crazy thing called life no matter how bad our circumstances appear. We know that the end result will be perfect. We have a big win waiting for us when we meet our Creator face to face after our race to the finish line is over! In the mean time, we need to be patient and wait on The Lord! 

Tonight the HEAT may win a championship or forfeit it to their opponent, but what I learned from game 6 is to never lose hope in the midst of our trying circumstances...

Harvey

Colossians 3:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

A picture today of our friend Harvey Gordon laying in his hospital bed led me to think about the bond we have as brothers and sisters in The Lord. I will never forget the day that Kenny and I bumped into Harvey, his beautiful wife Nanette and their adorable son Cristopher at the mall a few months ago. It was a big day out for both of us, as we have both been going through many health struggles. Something unique stood out to me that day at the mall. It can be summed up in one word, "kindness". Harvey stopped what he was doing and although he was and still is, going through an extremely rough trial in the form of leukemia, he took the time to comfort ME that day.  This reminded me very much of Jesus.   One of the things that made me realize that this man is "set apart", was the way he squatted down to my level as I sat in a chair while he was speaking to me. My dizziness and vertigo make it difficult for me to tilt my head to look up or turn sideways. I find myself struggling to hold conversations with people especially while sitting or when I'm in my wheelchair. People have the tendency to stand directly in front of me which causes me to lift my head up making me dizzy and nauseated. I would never tell anyone to squat down to speak with me, but Harvey did exactly that. It seems so trivial but obviously it meant a lot to me personally.  That was just one of the many qualities about him that stuck out to me that day. We discussed different things such as some of the changes that we were making to our diets. Harvey also had a verse to share with me that The Lord had laid upon his heart...

Job 10:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 You have granted me life and favor,

And Your care has preserved my spirit.

Sometimes God blesses us with a special connection with others who know and understand true sufferings through their life's circumstances. It's a club that none of us would choose to be a part of, but we accept what The Lord has allowed in our lives and choose to see His goodness in the midst of these circumstances. 

I'm asking anyone reading this blog entry to please keep my brother in Christ, Harvey, his wife Nanette and their precious little boy lifted up in prayer. Please join me in praying for God's healing, His strength to endure this fight and the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding that comes from God alone...

I also want to mention that Harvey is in need of a bone marrow transplant. If God so lays it on your heart to be tested to see if you're a match, please visit "Be The Match" on-line http://m.marrow.org/ for more information on how you can be tested to help give Harvey, or even someone else, a new lease on life...

*Harvey went home to be with our Savior on August 27, 2013. Please keep Nanette and Cristopher in your prayers...

Love suffers long and is kind...

1 Corinthians 13:4

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

The thoughts I had yesterday about my husband "suffering long" started most recently by another miserable bout of vertigo that started last Tuesday and ended with a broken part on my iPhone this weekend. My husband made an appointment at the Apple store to get it either fixed or replaced. Not a simple task for a gal that saves EVERYTHING on her phone. I have literally thousands of pictures, texts, notes, my journal....all on my phone. It turned out to be an ALL day event for my husband. Getting my old stuff backed up on our computer and getting my new phone in the order in which I like it was a daunting task for my poor husband. He knows how I am and I know how patient he is...

Being the "sick one" from the outside looking in can seem like the worst case scenario in a marriage. I don't agree with that though... I believe that being the spouse of the "sick" loved one is by far even more difficult. It is a very heavy load to bear.  This weekend God laid it on my heart to stop for a moment and think about what it would feel like to be in my husband's shoes. I thought about how helpless I would feel if the tables were turned. The feeling of not being able to remove my spouses pain and suffering. I thought about all of my husband's dashed dreams instead of just mine. I thought about the sacrificial way he devotes all of his time and love to me and our family every single day and NEVER complains. I thought about the way The Lord has given him this cross to bear for reasons that I can't understand. I thought about how selfish I can be by not expressing my gratitude for every kind gesture he exhibits towards me no matter how big or how small. I pray that God will continue to open my eyes as to how "my" illness is "our" cross to bear as a couple. It's not just "my burden". 

The "sick" spouse is quite often blessed with prayer, cards, notes, texts and messages of encouragement on a regular basis. What does the "healthy" spouse (caregiver) receive? 

My husband continues to work full time to provide for our family and every other waking moment of his life is devoted to caring for me, getting stuff done around the house, whether it's going from store to store to do the shopping, maintaining our home (inside & out), the vehicles, the pets... He doesn't receive accolades from the world (nor does he care to). I am comforted knowing that God sees EVERY single kind thought, action and deed that he does. His reward will be great in the Kingdom of God. I'm not writing this to rob him of his reward, but I am writing this so others will realize that although MS and other illnesses have dashed the dreams of many "sick ones", it has done the same or worse to our spouses (caregivers). We need to be lifting them up in prayer, reaching out to get them the help that they need and acknowledging them with our kind thoughts, actions and deeds as well. Sickness is not an excuse to not thank the ones we love for their selflessness. 

I love you Kenny Valentine....thank you for taking care of me in every way imaginable. From washing my face with a wet washcloth while getting sick to my stomach from vertigo, to fixing this picky girl's iPhone. Nothing you do is in vain. I see MOST of it, but God sees it ALL. 

1 Samuel 16:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord has shut me in but He is with me...

Genesis 7:16

New King James Version (NKJV)

16 So those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him; and the Lord shut him in.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream where I was spinning. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a dream. It was real too. The big "V" (Vertigo) has returned. There is nothing worse than chronic vertigo. I've said it before and I'll say it again, vertigo stinks! I am unable to function at all when I have theses episodes. They are completely debilitating. My eyes jump around and I don't know which way is up. I'm spinning and unable to control my body. The nausea I would equate with a bad day on the water while deep sea fishing. The vomiting is similar to severe morning sickness or food poisoning. If you put all these together, you come up with a miserable person who can't believe that a human body can be so cruel. Kenny, my wonderful husband and Amanda, my awesome daughter are like a machine. Everyone picks up where I leave off. I am literally couch bound 24/7 and get up with assistance only to use the bathroom. Those bars Kenny installed sure do come in handy. Falling off the toilet would be terrible! I'm so blessed in the midst of this nightmare. My husband cares for me and puts his needs last. He is patient and loving in the midst of my times of sadness and bordering despair. Today he read me some devotions, as it is difficult for me to read with nystagmus and double vision. He read about God shutting the door Himself to the ark. It seems that God has shut me in for another season, but He is with me. If you have prayed for me, I thank you. I also thank my friends and family for the texts, messages, e-mails and calls. It has been difficult to keep up with responding so I am blogging now to thank each and every one of you for blessing me and my family with your prayers, words of encouragement and love. It is the best medicine of all! Talk to you all again after this miserable Vertigo nightmare leaves. I pray it doesn't last long, but not my will be done, but His...

Funny how we remember things...

Psalm 118:24

New King James Version (NKJV)

24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.

As I was looking at some old pictures of a trip Kenny and I took in 2004 to Colorado, I realized that every moment of every day we are making memories. The weird thing is, that while I was looking at the old pictures, a few things crossed my mind. My hair was blonde, thicker, shiny and pretty. I also looked fit and slender.  Back when the pictures were taken, I'm sure that "in my mind" I thought I looked ugly that day. I also look at the pictures and think about the fond memories of our adventures in Colorado. The truth is that I was in the middle of a bad MS relapse and had just done a round of Solu-Medrol prior to leaving on the trip. It's funny how when we look back, we do remember some of the bad, but the good memories take precedence. The lesson of the day for me is to see the good NOW, in the midst of the hardships, because down the road when I'm flipping through pictures from today, I will wish that I had appreciated everything and everyone currently in my life....