I was grumpy...

Genesis 50:20
New King James Version (NKJV)
20 But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.

I made a new friend today! I am feeling full of joy right now in the midst of physical ailments. I can't say that I felt this joyful when I first woke up this morning. In fact, I would be lying unless I told you that I woke up with what I affectionately call "the spirit of grumpiness". As I sat on the couch chatting with my daughter, she let me know immediately that she could feel my "negative vibe". She actually recommended that I take a nap. To put us both out of our misery, I did. I have been trying to recuperate from a head cold for about a week now. It's not a terrible cold but ANY cold/virus wreaks havoc on my MS and especially my vestibular symptoms. A clogged up head and ears create more dizziness and yucky ear symptoms. To be honest, I told my daughter that it would make me happy for someone to truly understand what being in this body of mine REALLY feels like at times. I told her that she could go outside, spin around and around until she gets "fall down dizzy" then come in the house and try to function. I don't want to admit that I was having a bit of a pity party, but I was. So to help cure my pity party, I took a nap. I woke to the sound of my cellphone vibrating on the table next to my bed. I glanced and saw an unrecognizable local number. I got up out of bed and listened to the voicemail that was left for me. It was a woman with MS that a mutual friend had told me about while I was at church last Wednesday night. Her call was like a fresh breeze blowing through my phone. I could feel my spirit return to joy as we spoke and reflected on the "bad" stuff that has happened to us, yet we were both clearly able to see God's mighty hand working in the midst of our troubles. I went to take a nap all grumpy and woke up blessed with a new friend. The above verse was mentioned in our conversation and I had to blog about it so I could remember how God continually uses this "bad" MS for His glory and still uses it for good, even when I can't see it. The cherry on top was a " love text" from my daughter. God has turned my frown upside down. :)

I conquered a mountain, but I tripped over a bump...

From Streams in the Desert:

"the most difficult things are not those seen and known by the world but those deep within your soul, unseen and unknown by anyone except Jesus. It is in this secret place that you experience a little trial that you would never dare to mention to anyone else and that is more difficult for you to bear than martyrdom"

Sometimes in life I am able to handle the big trials pretty well and then a little bump in the road will just undo me. There are things in my life that are "obvious" obstacles and then there are the small "hidden" obstacles that the Lord is working on deep within me. He reveals to me just enough to remind me of just how imperfect I truly am and how much I need Him EVERY minute of EVERY day. Sometimes I corner myself like a wild animal, not leaving any room for myself to squirm out of an uncomfortable situation that I put myself in. Maybe you have done this to yourself over something dumb as well. Next, the pride takes over and I want to just sweep it all under the rug so I don't have to deal with it or confront my sin or apologize. Oh, wretched (wo)man I am! Who will ever deliver me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24) Oh, wait, I know the answer to this one, it's JESUS ! (Romans 7:25) He is ALWAYS the answer!

It sounds easy, right? Well, it's really not. Sometimes the "old me" wants to rear her ugly head and I want my flesh to "win". Still, after all these years of walking with the Lord, I don't like admitting that I'm a sinner and I don't like admitting when I've been wrong. If you feel this way too at times, I would have to say that there is hope. If you belong to Jesus, He will ensure that you make it to your final destination BUT, we do have a part in how we confront our sin along the way. We need to confess it and turn away from it. He is able to sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). He isn't done with me yet and if you belong to Him and you are alive and reading this, He isn't done with you either. I personally have a very long way to go. I am so very grateful for His great mercy on me...

Proverbs 28:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.

You can reason with God...

Isaiah 1:18
New King James Version (NKJV)
18 “Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.

Today, as like many other days, my heart is heavy for those who don't know Jesus. My own testimony of coming to realize that Jesus is the Son of God was not a direct path from Judaism to Christianity. I took a few detours along the way. Some of my earliest thoughts about God were as a very young child. I remember laying outside in the grass on my back looking up into the sky and thinking about God and wondering Who He was. I also have a vivid memory of a babysitter taking me and my sister to a Catholic church service. I remember seeing all of the stained glass windows with there beautiful images and thinking to myself, "am I not able to believe in this "Jesus" because I "happen" to have been born of two Jewish parents?". Looking back now, I know that God was along side of me even back then. I was an extremely insecure child. I remember fearing that if my parents went out and left me and my sister home with a babysitter, that they may never return home again. I would hide under my bed when we had a babysitter come and watch us. I was riddled with such debilitating fear as a young child.

My experiences with "religion" naturally started with my parents' brand of Judaism. It was more like an agnostic view sprinkled with some Jewish traditions and customs. In my young twenties I married the father of my children. He was and still is a Catholic man. After my kids were born, he convinced me that our children would go to hell if God forbid they died and were not baptized. Not willing to take any chances with that, I went along with the program and had both kids baptized. Next, I took Catechism classes and I was scheduled to be baptized too, but I just didn't believe what I was learning was true. Confessing my sins to a priest, praying the rosary and all the other rituals that I was learning about just didn't sit right within my spirit. I decided NOT to be baptized ( I have been baptized as an adult).

In my continued search for truth, I had a very kind neighbor in Utah give me the Book of Mormon. She told me to pray and read this book and the truth would be revealed to me. I said a little prayer and opened the book. I can honestly say that I never read it all. I opened it up here and there and I would try to read some of it, but it didn't do a thing for me. Who was this Joseph Smith anyway? This didn't sit well with me either.

After leaving Utah in the midst of marital issues and an impending divorce, I returned to my home town in Florida. Now I was a single Mom. I knew that I had a tough and lonely road ahead of me. My sister helped me out by getting an apartment with me to relieve some of my financial burden. She loved my kids (and still does) and at that point in time she was still single (now happily married with two beautiful daughters). I was working as a waitress/bartender at Chili's Bar & Grill. I was living my life the best way I knew how. I dated men here and there. One man in particular that I dated called himself an atheist. The "irony" (which I now know was God working) is that he introduced me to the Christian group "Jars of Clay". Long after we broke up I continued to listen to their music. I was intrigued with their song "Love Song For A Savior". I listened to that song over and over and over again. I just couldn't comprehend how a man could sing to God saying, " I want to fall in love with You" instead of singing these words to a woman. Fall in love with God? How odd is that? But I just couldn't stop thinking about it. The song was so beautiful to me. As I have mentioned in my blog in the past, a neighbor of mine who lived in the apartments where I was living, invited me to church on Wednesday night July 31, 1996. I can't tell you exactly how God spoke to me that night, but I will tell you this.... He absolutely did! After all of my years living with a yearning that could never be filled, guilt and shame that caused great anxiety and depression, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ and have never looked back. I knew little if anything about my newly acquired faith, but what I was able to comprehend from that night going forward was that my sins were forgiven, I had a clean slate and trust me, I was one grateful young woman! I had finally found true love. In fact the bible says, God is love (1 John 4:8).

For those of you who have the idea that my faith is a "crutch", I'll just say this to you, a "crutch" doesn't give you peace through my current husband's diagnosis of melanoma, my own diagnosis and life with Multiple Sclerosis, healing from a divorce, wayward kids, financial ups and downs and all the other trials that are too many to mention. Only God gives that kind of peace. It surpasses all human understanding (Philippians 4:7). I haven't "bought into anything". I'm not lured into a "cult" as some have suggested in the past. I have been saved by grace alone. It has nothing to do with me or anything I have done or not done ( Ephesians 2:8). There is no other name under heaven by which a man, (or woman), can be saved (Acts 4:12) No pill or person was ever able to fill that void in me. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, no one gets to the Father except through Him (John 14:6). Every knee will bow down to Him ( Philippians 2:10). He is the image of the Invisible God ( Colossians 1:15). He has asked us to come and reason with Him (Isaiah 1:18). Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and I can promise He won't ignore that request! All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved (Romans 10:13). Don't wait even another moment. Don't allow your past, your family, your friends or anyone or anything to separate you from the only One who can save your soul...His name is JESUS.

Joshua 24:15
New King James Version (NKJV)
15 And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

What happened to that "positive" MS Facebook page?"

Romans 10:14
New Living Translation (NLT)
14 But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them?

I used to be a morning person. I LOVED the morning. I would wake up around 5 am whether or not I had to be at work. I have always loved my first sip of coffee. I have loved digging into devotions and reading my bible. I have also loved to pray and to write in my prayer journal.

I still do love all of those things but because of my MS, I am no longer an early morning person. I have actually been having trouble waking up. The part of my brain that controls my alertness has gone haywire. When I am asleep now, I am in such a deep sleep that I feel like I'm far far away and I'm unable to wake up. Sometimes I can feel the struggle of trying to wake up. It's like I'm in the deepest part of the ocean and trying to come up for air. I've never been like that before. I used to wake up and pop up and out of bed. After one cup of coffee, I was ready to conquer the world! Now when I wake up, on top of that heavy sleepy feeling, I wake up dizzy from the moment my eyes open. The yucky reminder of my "new normal" that has been going on for about a year and a half now.

Max, my dog woke me up scratching himself loudly this morning. It woke me up and for some reason my thoughts went directly to a Facebook page that I realized I haven't heard about or seen posts from in MANY months. I don't know what brought this to mind, well, maybe I do, I believe God laid it on my heart. The Facebook page was an MS one that was focused on being very "positive". The woman who created the page had an incredible sense of humor and she was extremely lighthearted. I loved her posts. She would make me smile, giggle and laugh out loud, literally. I felt a tad paranoid as I considered that maybe she "unfriended" me. I still haven't figured it out, but it made me realize that someone out there may need hope today in the midst of their trials. Her page helped me with my daily struggle with MS and maybe this blog has helped others. People come and go in our lives. That isn't surprising, but there is someone Who sticks closer than a friend, it's God (Proverbs 18:24b).

To be honest, I had gone away with Kenny for a weekend and felt pretty good, on my scale of good and bad, but things have a way of catching up with me. I have pain and all kinds of symptoms from my head down to my feet literally. When I feel terrible, I know what I need to do. I isolate myself and I draw near to God. That is my game plan in times of pain and discomfort and it never fails me. I know that He is with me and never leaves me.

I had some MRI's done recently which showed 4 new lesions on my brain and cervical spine. What surprised me even more than the new lesions were the 7-8 herniated discs, bulging discs, spondylosis, arthritis and other "stuff" going on in my back. I have had back pain for years and never knew I had such chaos going on like that on my spine. It just added to my list of ailments.

I know that I am not the only one out there struggling with chronic disease or pain but I have chosen to be very transparent about my condition and parts of my life in order for others to see the power of God at work in my life. I have not experienced a "miraculous" healing, although it's a miracle to me that the chronic vertigo dissipated over time. The power of God in my life has manifested itself as the ability to cope with this miserable disease on a daily basis and still find joy and peace in the midst of it. Today, I would have much preferred to have tried to go back to bed, but there is always someone who doesn't know Jesus and that just doesn't sit well with me. Today when I woke up, I felt like I had to remind someone out there in cyber space that through the pain and suffering of this life, there is hope, peace and the reality of heaven. Knowing that my pain and discomfort will eventually end and I will see the Lord face to face is what sustains me. Our world is full of evil, difficulties, pain and death. You don't have to look far to witness it for yourself. There is a place called heaven where there is no more dying, no more crying and no more sorrow. If I can keep my eyes focused on the goal and remind myself that Jesus is with me and has promised not to forsake me, I will get through each of my days as I approach them one at a time. I pray once again for anyone reading this blog that hasn't surrendered their life to Jesus as Lord and Savior, listen to His voice today...

Revelation 21:4
New Living Translation (NLT)
4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”