Joy Comes In The Morning...

Psalm 30:5
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.

This verse is on my heart today. Yesterday I was "out of sorts" thinking about some of my most recent trials, and lately, they have been many. Some days feel very dark and dreary. On days like that, I draw near to my Savior through His Word. I could just feel God's Holy Spirit leading me to get comfortable, slow down, and come spend some time with Him. I did and I'm glad. He never disappoints me. This morning when I woke up and I let the dogs out, the sun was peaking through the clouds and I had a fresh feeling of joy sweep over me. A new perspective. My sadness was easing and I could feel the joy seeping into my spirit once again. Going from feeling "low and sad" to" joy and peace" literally overnight is a taste of what our great God can do. That's not to say that my "problems" went away overnight but how I see them has changed. Sometimes in life we experience wave after wave of trials that seem endless. They just keep rolling in and crashing on us. I felt like that yesterday, very overwhelmed with my circumstances. Today I feel more peace. Physically, I feel my usual yucky "dizzy thing" but a sick spirit is worse than a sick body in my opinion. When I am seeking the Lord and drawing near to Him, He draws near to me. There is no one here on earth that could ever fill that void in my life but God. My daughter Amanda, sensing my turmoil, came home yesterday with some beautiful bright flowers and a bag of Tootsie Pops. Simple yet so lovely! A glimpse of God's glory in the midst of my sadness. He uses ordinary means for supernatural purposes. Only Jesus can turn my weeping into joy overnight. I'm grateful and thankful for a God that is real, alive and active in my life. I will sing praises to my God once again. He is faithful and never disappoints me!

I'm so tired today...

Considering I have had MS for over ten years now, I have to say that I've been blessed by not being completely fatigued on a regular basis like so many other people I know with this disease. My energy level is normally pretty good for someone with MS. Today, I can't say that, in fact, the last few days I have been waking up in the morning feeling very tired and sleepy. I have been remaining tired all day long too. Quite often, a relapse will begin by manifesting itself in me with extreme fatigue. I did take a nap today already for about an hour. I forced myself to get back up but I really wanted to go back to sleep again. I try to fight it, but I need God's help. I forget what this weight of tiredness feels like, until it hits me all over again. It's like going for a swim in the pool fully dressed, jeans and all. It's a feeling of heaviness that overwhelms me. I am too tired to read or even think. No, it's not the end of the world by any means to be fatigued, but there is stuff I would like to get done today...maybe later or tomorrow.

In my weakness I turn to the Lord Who says that His power is made perfect in weakness. I'm banking on that promise today. Thank You Lord for Your sufficient grace. It sustains me when I don't feel like I can sustain myself...

2 Corinthians 12:9
New King James Version (NKJV)
9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

My Tire Went Flat...

Hebrews 12:1
New King James Version (NKJV)
12 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Sometimes I forget I'm "running" a race. I get caught up in trying to "sprint" in my mind and I get carried away on unnecessary tangents. One thought can lead me down a dark road and fear can easily slip in as my faith seeps out through a slow leak like a tire, leaving me "flat". How does that happen? One moment everything is looking beautiful and lovely and then something happens and it feels like the end of the world. Does that happen to you? The above verse mentions "the sin that so easily ensnares us". Lately, I know in my life, it tends to be the same thing tripping me up regularly in my walk with God. I am a terrible listener! Why is it so difficult for me to just be quiet and listen? This is not only a problem for me, it is trickling down to my flock. Yes, my daughter is EXACTLY like me!!! No wonder we get on each other's last nerve at times! We have the same issue! Two people not listening to each other equals NO ONE truly hearing ANYTHING which equals CHAOS. While reading my bible this morning, I was convicted once again by the following verse;

James 1:19
New King James Version (NKJV)
19 So then,[a] my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

I have been unable to master the art of listening. I interrupt. I have quite often used the excuse that it's "genetic" because it seems to run in my family. I come from a very fine line of interrupters. I don't want to continue making excuses for myself. I want this behavior to change. Today, I am asking the Lord to help me stop and listen before I open my mouth. I'm asking for His help. If you are a praying person, please lift me up in your prayers. I want to deal head on with this issue. The Lord has a way of peeling back those yucky, ugly layers of the old self as a reminder of how much I need Him for everything. I know that He isn't done with me yet because I woke up today. He will continue to do a work in me until He calls me home. I'm so grateful that He doesn't condemn me and that He is able to deliver me from my ways and mold me to be more like Jesus. As far as that slow leak is concerned, I'm grateful that when I open my bible, He fills me back up again and my "tire" is no longer flat. His mercies are new every morning, that's a very good thing because I need fresh mercy today! Thank You Jesus for Your continued work in me!


John 15:5
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

Philippians 1:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Lamentations 3:22-23
New King James Version (NKJV)
22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

Look Up and Live!!!

1 John 5:3
New King James Version (NKJV)
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome.

Kenny has always mentioned a line that his Mom would say at times while he was growing up. I use this saying regularly when I see people walking through a crowded parking lot and not paying attention to where they are going or to the motor vehicles they are walking in front of. I will say to myself, as I watch them, "Look up and live!!!!". It makes perfect sense that walking in front of a moving vehicle is dangerous. Many people are walking in danger without God every day. The above verse says keeping the Lord's commandments is not burdensome. If we do what is right such as look where we are going while walking through a parking lot, chances are better that we won't get hit or even killed.

I can't help but think that there are MANY people, including a lot of young adults I know, that think it is burdensome to keep the Lord's commandments. When we stray and sin, which we are ALL prone to do, we separate ourselves from God. That feels "yucky". The consequences of our sin, depending on our choices, can often lead to depression, anxiety or even death depending upon our actions. Many people are confused about christianity. They think to themselves, "someday when I'm settled down, older, maybe married with children" that will be when I "clean up my act". Then BOOM!!! Calamity strikes. Who is it that one turns to in their deepest and darkest moments? If most people were completely honest with themselves, even if they deny God most of the time, He is the One we cry out to during calamity and traumatic events. If we just take a good look around at the beauty of His handiwork, whether it be the grass, flowers, sun, moon or even our beloved pets, we can see His glory in His handiwork. We can't deny His existence.

Psalm 19:1 states in (NKJV) 19 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.

He is the Creator of the Universe and He wants a relationship with us! Doesn't that just blow your mind? BUT it's even better than that, He is the One Who does the "cleaning up" Himself. Those vices that we think we need to "try and stop doing" before we come to Jesus are the exact vices that HE IS ABLE TO DELIVER US FROM!!!! Many people don't realize how freeing it is when God is not only Your Savior but your friend (John 15:15). As I sit here blogging, an urgent AP has come across my phone. "Breaking (9:29AM EDT) NYC fire officials say several people have been shot outside Empire State Building". Literally, this information just came to me while I'm writing. What are you waiting for? If you feel God tugging at your heart and you can feel a struggle going on inside. That feeling comes from a very real struggle going on in the spiritual realm for your soul. You have an enemy who wants you to live in bondage. We don't know what the next moment in our lives may bring. Yield to the voice of the Lord who may be knocking on the door of your heart. Yield to Him now and begin to find true love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness & faithfulness. These fruit are the byproducts of His presence living in You. All you need to do is surrender your life to Jesus, "LOOK UP AND LIVE!!!!!"

John 3:14-15
New King James Version (NKJV)
14 And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up, 15 that whoever believes in Him should not perish but[a] have eternal life.

Gram

I have a smile on my face just thinking about my Gram today. She passed away three years ago. Today is her birthday and she would have been 98 years old. She was the source of "unconditional" love and it had a tremendous effect on my life. My Gram holds such a special place in my heart and that will never change. No one could ever have replaced her. She was the BEST Gram anyone could have. In my eyes she was the perfect Grandma. She was the kind of woman that everyone loved being around. She had the gift of making everyone she came in contact with feel as if they were the most important and special person she had ever met. I like to think that I was her favorite, but I'm sure there were others who felt the same way. Her name was Rose. I gave the name Rose to my daughter Amanda as her middle name. Considering I grew up in a Jewish home, I decided to name Amanda after my Gram even though as a Jew, you aren't supposed to name your children after someone who is still living. I couldn't resist. I had to carry her name on through my daughter. Even though I wasn't a believer in Jesus at that time, I wasn't superstitious.

No one seemed to understand me quite like my Gram. We had a very special bond. She poured out her love in so many meaningful ways. When I was a little girl, she would sing a song that she had made up, it went like this: "Mi-chele is a good little girl, Grand-ma loves her ve-ry much, Mi-chele is a gooooooood little girllllllll and Grand-ma loves her VE-RY MUCH!!!! I wish you could hear the tune. I felt so loved and special as she would sing this song to me while tucking me in during sleepovers at her house. Yes, she did substitute my sister's name and I'm sure my two male cousin's names into the same song, but I'm sure I was her favorite. ;)

In the morning, Gram would make breakfast for me and my sister. No "pouring your own bowl of cereal" at Gram's house. We had a choice and she enjoyed serving us. We could have Wheatena, scrambled eggs with cheese, cantaloupe with cottage cheese or my favorite, pancakes made with Bisquick. I could literally taste the love in the mixed ingredients.

In the afternoon, Gram would take me and my sister for a ride to Worden's World of Arts and Crafts or Pearl. We would look for craft supplies and then go back to her house and make things. One of my fondest memories was making an orange notepad holder in the shape of a cat. It was made from poster board and orange felt. Gram also taught me how to crochet, which I still do at times, especially while I'm stuck on the couch. It reminds me of her. It brings me joy.

Gram LOVED music. She would always be humming, singing or playing music for my sister and me. We loved the sights, sounds, smells and the love we felt being around her. Her house was a refuge filled with love and singing. We were so incredibly loved!

At night, my sister and I would snuggle up between my Gram and Gramp in their comfy bed and yummy soft sheets that never matched but smelled good. She had a "wedge" pillow that helped us to sit upright in bed so we could watch episodes of Jackie Gleason with them. I loved hearing my Gram & Gramp laugh while watching the tv show.

Gram never forgot the "cute" things that we would say as kids. Still to this day, my sister and I will say some of Gram's all time favorite lines such as, "we're sisters you know" or "a promise is a promise and you always keep it!". She also saved literally every note, card, poem or trinket we ever made and presented to her. She cherished and treasured everything about us.

During the last couple years of her life, as she was nearing the end, I would tell her about Jesus. She prayed with me within the two weeks of her passing. She also told me a few days before she passed away that her Dad, my Great Grandfather, who we affectionately called Papa, had told her about this "Jesus". The day she passed away, I sat on her bed and spoke to her all the things on my heart. We had some very precious time together that I will never forget. Although I wasn't sure if she could still hear me, I held her hand and spoke to her. I told her everything that I felt I needed to say to her. I played "Awesome God" by Michael W. Smith for her on my i -phone and I could feel a squeeze from her hand in response to the song. After I had said everything I wanted to say and I felt satisfied that she heard everything, I once again reminded her how much I loved her. I kissed her face and I said, "I'll see you later Gram!" and then proceeded to walk out of the room. The hospice nurse had stepped outside into the hallway. I said goodbye to her as well. On my way driving home, my cell phone rang. It was my sister calling to tell me that Gram had passed away. I said, "but I just left her....".

Upon returning to her deathbed. The hospice nurse turned to me and said, "God is with you, I heard you talking to your Grandmother and playing music for her, as soon as you said goodbye to her and left, I came back into the room and your Grandma took her last breath. There was no struggling, just a last breath and then there was peace." I cling to God's faithfulness. I long to see my precious Gram again....

Philippians 1:3
New King James Version (NKJV)

3 I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

The "Caretaker"

Colossians 3:23-24
New King James Version (NKJV)
23 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for[a] you serve the Lord Christ.

What has been heavy on my heart today is the way the Lord has so specifically called us to be exactly where we are in our lives and how He meets us no matter what the circumstances are. He has a plan and purpose for everything we go through including sickness. He is in control even when we feel like our lives are spiraling out of control at a very fast pace. Last year, as I sat on the couch spinning due to severe vertigo, nausea, vomiting and being completely incapacitated, my husband had to pick up and be "my body" for me. It was one of the many difficult trials I have faced over the years, not just being sick, but feeling so helpless and burdensome. I had no choice but to watch my husband work all day and then cook dinner, clean the house, tend to the dogs, interact with the kids, and continue to care for all of my physical, spiritual and emotional needs. I literally couldn't move. If I was able to eat anything, he had to prepare it and serve me. If I had to use the bathroom, he had to help me. If I needed a shower, he needed to assist me. When I needed to see a doctor, he took me. The list could go on and on about the endless ways he served and cared for me (and still does) during those very difficult months BUT, who got all the flowers, greeting cards and sympathy? NOT HIM!!! I did. He selflessly served me, his wife, in a very sacrificial way and I know what and Who drove him to do so, it was Jesus. Kenny knows that when he serves me, he is actually serving the Lord. It was and is very honorable for him to serve me in that capacity and I respect him for that, but in all honesty, the Lord EXPECTS that from ALL of us. Kenny says that he was "only doing what he should be doing" but I never seemed to agree with him because I felt guilty needing so much help and care. He would say, "I know you would do the same for me". That is the truth, I would. It gives me pleasure to serve my husband. I know I need to make some improvements but we are ALL a work in progress. The reason why I'm writing about this is because there are countless loved ones out there, who are serving their spouses, day in and day out, with no recognition. I don't want to take away any rewards in heaven for these selfless people, but I do want to recognize and thank ALL of the so-called "caretakers" out there who are serving their spouse with all their heart and soul. They are pouring into their spouse much of the love they receive from Christ Himself. It isn't easy being "the sick one" but it sure isn't easy being "the one caring for the sick one" either. In fact, I personally believe it is MORE difficult for the caretaker. They are not ONLY caring for the needs of their spouse but many are continuing to be the main "bread winner" of the family as well. I have no idea what the statistics are for marriages that end in divorce due to the onset of a severe chronic illness, but I'm sure it is very high. When we get married, we make a vow to love one another in sickness and in health. How many people stand at the alter and think, "I may be diagnosed next year with MS or cancer"? When we are in love and courting, no one thinks, "I could be in a wheelchair next year". The truth of the matter is, that as husband and wife, we are committed to serving each other. One beautiful example that the Lord Jesus Himself gave us in reference to serving each other is when He washed the feet of His disciples at the Passover dinner. Imagine that, God Almighty washing the dirty, stinky feet of these men and this included the feet of His betrayer, Judas. How much more should we humble ourselves to serve each other, especially our spouses...

John 13:1-5
New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come that He should depart from this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.

2 And supper being ended,[a] the devil having already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray Him, 3 Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God, 4 rose from supper and laid aside His garments, took a towel and girded Himself. 5 After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded.

Dukey

One day over a year ago now, as I was arriving home from work, I pulled into our driveway, got out of my car and started walking up our front walkway to the front door. Something caught my eye in my peripheral vision. The next door neighbor's A/C unit had a puppy sitting next to it and he was just sitting there staring at me. My son Matt had just recently adopted a puppy that looked exactly like this puppy. I got as close as I could to him to take his picture with my cell phone's camera. I called my son to ask where his puppy Caboose aka "Growlithe" was and he was with my son. This was just some stray puppy. He had two collars on his neck. One of the collars was a clear flea collar and the other one was a nylon baby blue collar with no tags. I tried to get near him but he was very scared. He would bark ferociously if I got too close. I quickly went inside the house to get Kenny's assistance. I grabbed a leash and some dog food from inside the house. This puppy was about 25 lbs or so. He appeared to be neutered. After many attempts to catch him, we were finally successful. We put a leash on him and walked him around our neighborhood a few times expecting to find people looking for him. No one was looking for him. My heart was breaking for him. I don't know how long he was outside alone. Did someone just "dump" him off in our neighborhood? When we returned from our walk, I put him in my car and took him to the local animal hospital to see if he was microchipped. He wasn't. I brought him back home but it was that ride back home where something very strange happened, I fell in love with this puppy. He was laying on the passenger seat with his head laying on the center console staring at me with the saddest and most precious puppy face. My heart actually hurt. I already have two Boston "Terrorists", I mean terriers. They hate other dogs. We can't even take them to the dog park because they fight with all the other dogs. I couldn't keep this puppy. I called Animal Control and after spending many hours with him sitting on my lap out in my front yard, a police car finally came to pick him up to bring him to the local shelter. I cried my eyes out. Watching this poor puppy being put in the back seat of a police cruiser was heartbreaking.

The next day at work I showed some of my co-workers a picture of him in hopes that maybe someone would want to adopt him. They teased me and named him "Junkyard Dog". The Animal Shelter posted a picture of him on the internet so the rightful owners could retrieve him. Day after day for that entire week, I would check on the internet to see if his owners came to pick him up. They never did. I ended up receiving a call at work from the shelter after his "allotted" time there had ended. Being that I was the one who found him, they gave me the choice to come and adopt him or he would be taken to the county Humane Society. The woman was honest with me and said that dogs like this one are a "dime a dozen" and she was pretty sure he would end up being put down. I cried at work.

I called Kenny to explain the dire situation. He could hear the torment in my voice and agreed to "foster" him until we found a home for him. I left work, went home, picked up Kenny and we were off to pick up the "Junkyard Dog". I didn't allow myself time to think it through too much because I knew that this was a crazy thing to do. Not just because it would now mean having three dogs but the other two are so aggressive towards other dogs. When we went to the Animal Shelter to pick him up, he was so excited to see us again that as we walked him out he peed all over the place. We signed some paperwork and took him directly to our local vet for an exam and some puppy shots. Then we were on our way home with the "Junkyard Dog".

It was a nightmare at first. Actually, it still is sometimes. BUT, the two Boston's now "tolerate" him. I originally named him Marmaduke and over time it was shortened to Duke or Dukey. I literally had to get on my knees and cry out to God to help us make this work. It wasn't easy and still isn't at times. Duke was a biter and would leave us with bruises from nipping at us so much. He barks non-stop when people come over and he has all kinds of "issues" but who doesn't, right? Over time, he has improved. He makes us laugh and smile every day. He is an absolute love bug. He is now about 80 lbs and he thinks he's a lap dog. Saving his life has been very rewarding. He has become part of our family. I wouldn't want to go a day without our junkyard dog, Dukey! He's a gift from God.

James 1:17
New King James Version (NKJV)
17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

The Great Physician...

John 10:27
New King James Version (NKJV)
27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

This is day two of my new "drug" plan. Second green smoothie down, Rebif leaving my body for good, shingles on their way out, MS still here but all I can say is "I think I'm on the right path for ME!" After two green smoothies, I feel like Popeye the sailor man. I actually find it very strange that I have more energy today than I've had in weeks. For years, I had been talking to God about what He thought would be best for me to do as far as handling and dealing with my Multiple Sclerosis. I felt the Lord say "no" to me about taking MS drugs for many years and for many years I did fairly well and continued working while not taking any of them. One major point that I feel is necessary to make is that I'm NOT saying that MS drugs are bad. I have a lot of friends who have done extremely well on them. What I'm saying is that we each have our own journey and we have to individually do what God tells us to do. He will not tell all of us to do the same thing. I speak for myself ONLY. Last year, when I had my major "brain stem relapse" that literally had me living on the couch throwing up for months, I wanted to die. When you are that sick, weak and vulnerable, it presents itself as an opportune time for the enemy to try and grab you. He did try but He Who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4). My doctor strongly urged me to "get on something". I felt that God had told me "not now" but my doctor was telling me "now!". In fear, I tried Tysabri. After my first infusion, I felt drained and over the next few days I started having stabbing pains in the back of my head. It started as a few stabs here and there and then turned into chronic pain. My hair started to fall out in clumps in the shower. I knew my body hated this drug but I continued with the program. The following month I told the infusion nurse what had occurred after the first infusion. It didn't seem to phase her. She began to administer the second infusion. About 6-7 minutes into the infusion, my entire body started to itch, I started getting a rash all over my body including my face, my eyes started to swell and I had a weird feeling in my throat and chest. As soon as the nurse saw what was going on she immediately stopped the Tysabri and hooked me up with Benedryl instead. I thought to myself " Lord, You sure slammed this door shut! You told me no MS drugs right now and I didn't listen. Shame on me".

Months later, after suffering through yet another really bad relapse that stemmed from my thoracic spine this time, causing near paralysis and an inability to walk, I fell into the grips of fear once again. Panicked thinking that this time around I was actually going to lose my ability to walk, I once again listened to my doctor's advice over what I felt God was telling me to do. This time I started the MS drug Rebif. As you may know, I have already stopped taking this drug. It reduced my bodies ability to ward off a painful case of shingles and I felt flu-like all of the time. Once again, I had not heeded what the Lord had spoken to me personally. Recently, while playing "Words With Friends" with my sister, the word "kale" popped up during our game. I felt like it smacked me across the face. God can use very natural ways to speak to us. I had been seeing and hearing a lot about the benefits of kale. I'm not saying drugs are bad, a three day course of Solu-Medrol did me a world of good during my "thoracic relapse". I regained my ability to walk and I can feel my right leg again. There is a time and place for certain medications, but we need to seek the Lord individually. His children hear and know His voice. I am grateful for His great mercy on me even through my multiple times of disobedience. It makes me love Him all the more. Who else can we go to that is able to forgive us like He does? I will continue to seek His guidance. When push comes to shove, I will put my trust in the Great Physician.

Today was the day!!!

3 John 1:2
New King James Version (NKJV)
2 Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.

Ok. Today was the day. I have been thinking about this day, preparing for this day, but up until today I hadn't followed through. Today I made a kale smoothie and I drank it! I'm glad that I am a person who already loves just about all fruits and veggies. I know what many of you may be thinking, "you should have done this a long time ago!". Ok, maybe I should have, but today was MY day. My smoothie was made up of a whole apple, kale, spinach, a banana, squeeze of fresh lemon and some ice water. It was actually good. Next time I'll add more ice. It could have been colder. This is the start of my eating more fresh fruits and veggies journey. Keep me in prayer because eating is my favorite pastime! I don't plan on giving up other foods entirely but I really do want to add more fresh produce to my diet. I will keep you up to date on my smoothie status. Who knows, I may fall of the wagon and have Honey Nut Cheerios tomorrow for breakfast.

P.S. You don't need to send me the video of the doctor with MS who has "cured" herself by eating kale. I've already seen it dozens of times! That's where I got this idea from. lol

Looking forward to my new body!

2 Corinthians 5:4
New Living Translation (NLT)
4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.

Today is a turn around day for me. I'm happy to be coming out of the other end of this bout with shingles. Shingles manifested itself in me with a nasty looking rash that was extremely painful, itchy and was accompanied with feeling flu-like. This past week has been pretty darn miserable. The pain has lessened somewhat as of yesterday but I've had an extreme "bobble head". My head gets where it is very susceptible to motion. I get dizzy and nauseated just moving at all. A task such as switching laundry from the washer to the dryer is enough to send my head spinning. Remember when you were a little kid and you would spin around as fast as you could and then stop as you staggered around in the yard? That staggering around part is what I have regularly. The only thing that changes is the degree of the dizziness. On days that are bad like yesterday, I feel very discouraged. In all honesty, I want to be put out of my misery...I long for my new body.

MS can be very deceptive. There may be a day or two wedged in between the really bad days that seem somewhat better but as soon as I think I'm feeling better, wham! I'm blindsided by another devastating symptom or relapse. I truly believe that people with MS and other chronic illnesses have a huge appreciation for the very simple pleasures in life. Our good moments become "precious moments". It may be a short ride in the car and a stop for some coffee, but it just feels wonderful. We live with the knowledge that this disease has no end and it doesn't tend to get better, it normally worsens. I will never say that God couldn't remove it from me in the blink of an eye if He so chose to, but my reality over the past 10 years has been to learn how to live with this chronic debilitating disease and to be content with what I have, which is a lot.

Last year I participated in some "dizzy groups" on Facebook for support from people who experience chronic dizziness. I was their worse nightmare. I have the diagnosis that no one on that page wanted to receive. I would read statements like, "I hope it's not something terrible like MS". I stopped participating in those group conversations. I find that my disease process is very different even than my other friends with MS. In a way I see it as a blessing. It forces me to turn to God regularly because He is the ONLY One that understands what I am experiencing. It is impossible for anyone, including my family and friends to know what It feels like to be me. I find myself trying to feel and look normal as to not burden my family or friends. I will push myself to go somewhere or do something when I don't feel like I can. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes not.

I'm not writing to complain about my experiences and I'm also not writing this as a "woe is me" kind of thing. It's just me talking about my personal experiences and life with MS. During my difficult days, I get glimpses of God's glory that fill my heart with joy. Sometimes those times don't last very long but they are undeniably from Him. I may get a message from a friend, I may read or see something on the internet, or l may just feel His presence come over me. I won't ever be able to figure out why this particular road was my lot in life, but I can rest that this life here on earth is not the end. I'm looking forward to my new body and my eternity with Him. All this "stuff" just helps my longing for heaven to grow...


Romans 15:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I want to be in His will...

Matthew 16:23
New King James Version (NKJV)
23 But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.”

How many times have I been like Peter with my humanly perspective on things? Too many times to count I'm sure. Wanting to "help" remove what looks bad from my life, the life of a friend or a beloved family member. I don't like to see the people I love suffering but God has a plan through our suffering, so who are we to try and thwart His plan with our own "ideas" or "good deeds"? Our intentions may seem pure, but we never really know the work God is doing in an individual's life. That is why I may express to God my heart's desire but ask for His will to be done, not mine, regardless of what I think I want or need. It's not a cop out to always pray for God's will to be done. It's not "the easy way out" of praying for someone. It is actually one of the most difficult yet loving prayers you can pray because you know You are willing to allow suffering in your life or the life of someone you love because you KNOW that His will is the safest place for us to be. If you ever feel so led to pray for me, please pray God's will in my life. That is where I want to be. I am so glad that the Spirit of God in me helps intercede on my behalf at times when I don't know what or how I should pray...

Romans 8:26
New King James Version (NKJV)
26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us[a] with groanings which cannot be uttered.

I can feel the weight of oppression so I will praise my God...

Isaiah 40:31
New King James Version (NKJV)

31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.


A lot has been going on in my life lately. One thing is that I was diagnosed with shingles. As soon as I upped my dose of Rebif, my body responded in a bad way. I can't be sure that it was the drug that caused my shingles, but in my heart, I believe it was. I have stopped my shots. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me next but His ways are not like mine and I pray His will be done in and through my life. I have chosen to spend a lot of time alone with God lately, to seek Him wholeheartedly. I have "shut myself in" sort of speak, buried myself in His Word, listened to bible teachings and I've been praying a lot. I know that I have an enemy that seeks to destroy me. I often I find that the more I proclaim the mighty name of Jesus, the more suffering I endure. So be it. I will not allow the intimidation schemes of the enemy to throw me off. I can do ALL things through Christ Who gives me strength. It has been a rough week or so, but I have had many rough weeks in the past and Christ has delivered me out of each and every one of them. I will not grow weary, I will not faint. I will rise up on wings like eagles! Praise be to God, the creator of the universe and lover of my soul!!!

Always Waiting for the Doctor to Call....

Over the weekend I felt like I was stung by a bee on my thigh. It later morphed into an area of skin that was extremely painful. It continued to morph into a rash that is too painful to touch. Maybe shingles? Since increasing my Rebif to 44 mcg last week, I have felt horrible. The symptoms of my last relapse have reappeared and I'm not happy about the encore. I have nerve pain throughout my lower right torso, headache, malaise and my regular dizzy symptoms. I called the Rebif company yesterday to speak to a nurse. They told me to stop the injections until I speak to my doctor. I called the service this morning to reach my doctor and asked for a call back due to a weird reaction to my med. I haven't received a call back yet. I called the office again and told them that I was advised to postpone my injections until I speak to the doctor. Still no call back yet. When you have MS, every day is an adventure. No two days are even similar. You have to be able to just "roll" with whatever comes your way. I still haven't gotten used to this after 10 years of living with MS. I am looking out the window and it's a rainy day. Perfect for my mood. I will make the most of waiting for the doctor to call. Patience has never been natural for me. I guess that's why the doctor hasn't called me yet. Lord, please help me pass my patience test. I keep failing miserably...

Romans 12:12
New King James Version (NKJV)
12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer;

Update: the doctor's office called to tell me that the doctor will be calling me. Oh, thanks. Still waiting....

God knows our heart...

1 Samuel 16:7
New King James Version (NKJV)
7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Last night I was blessed to make it out to dinner with Kenny so we could meet up with some of my closest friends from high school (some from middle school). After having a rough day physically, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it, but I did. It was wonderful to see them! We enjoyed our time together but I just knew deep inside that we really could have used some more time together to chat. We were only able to scratch the surface of what our lives have been like since the last time we all met, which was a few years ago. I would have to believe that my MS and my trials are not the only "problems" amongst the bunch. We have all been riddled with difficult situations over the years yet we are grateful to have each other as friends to confide in and share with. We have a history together, we love each other and I pray we will always reunite as we are able to do so. We never quite know what a friend may be going through. We see the outer appearance but never truly know what is going on deep within. My prayer is that even though our lives are busy and our time is limited, we will stay connected and take the time to invest more of ourselves into each other's lives. When we are struggling to put a smile on through our pain, we can rest that no matter what is going on inside of us, God knows our struggles and He knows our heart.