Free Pastor Saeed

Hebrews 13:3

New King James Version (NKJV)

3 Remember the prisoners as if chained with them—those who are mistreated—since you yourselves are in the body also.

I haven't blogged in a while but when I heard about an event that is spreading like wildfire through our social media outlets, I knew that even I could be used as a tool to help spread the word about Pastor Saeed Abedini, an American Pastor who has been imprisoned in Iran soley for being a Christian for well over a year now.  Just one person can make a difference and this is my attempt to do so. Even one prayer lifted up in faith to our Great and Mighty God is powerful. Just think about the power of countless prayers lifted up in faith by many of His saints! 

The story of Pastor Saeed has opened my eyes to the growing rate of persecution of the church and the body of Christ both here at home and across the world.  I have tried to envision myself in the position of Naghmeh Abedini, Pastor Saeed's wife and I wonder what I would do if it were me in her situation. Her husband left the comforts of their home here in the United States to go and start an orphanage in his homeland, Iran and ended up being arrested and thrown into the notorious Evin Prison with an 8 year sentence simply because of his Christian faith. He has been imprisoned for over a year now and has suffered severe physical and mental abuse at the hands of his captors. He has recently been transferred to Rajaei Shahr, an even deadlier prison, where he is surrounded by extremely dangerous inmates that are mostly made up of rapists and murderers. His overall health is continuing to decline rapidly. 

Naghmeh lives in Idaho with their two young children. When I think about her, I often wonder what I would do if I were in her situation. Who would I turn to? Who would care? Who would help? After my initial shock, I would be pleading and praying to God for my husband's release, I would be going to my church family, all of my friends and acquaintances, and maybe even the national television networks to get my story told. I would fight and do whatever it takes to get my husband back home safely. These are just a few of the many things that Naghmeh has been doing. 

Now is our chance to help. Today is an opportunity for all of our voices to be heard. We long to see Pastor Saeed set free as well as any other Americans who are being detained and imprisoned based soley on their faith alone. We trust in God's sovereignty yet we know that we can be used by God and our prayers are powerful.

If you would, please take time today to pray for Pastor Saeed, his wife Naghmeh and their two children as well as all of our persecuted brothers and sisters in Christ. Our prayer today is to flood social media with Pastor Saeed's story and to bring to light the injustice of this horrific situation.  If you feel led to help get the word out, please use the following hashtags  #savesaeed & #freesaeed on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and any other social media outlet that you use today and any day going forward. Also pray that the President of the United States of America and the entire Administration would work diligently to bring Pastor Saeed and all other Americans being detained and imprisoned soley for their religious beliefs home. 

Thank you for reading this and I am looking forward to seeing our prayers answered according to God's perfect will. 

Hebrews 4:16

New King James Version (NKJV)

16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

My Stream in the Desert

Isaiah 43:18-19

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 “Do not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert.

This verse is speaking volumes to me today. I am in a desert. It may be a temporary relapse but I certainly feel parched in this dry land I am in. I am hurting, in physical pain and discomfort. I want to look back and remember feeling well but I know that I must keep moving forward. As I lay in bed and feel like my legs are heavy weights with magnets, it feels like a huge magnet is underneath my bed pulling and keeping me down. I fear that this disease is catching up with me and every day lately I wonder, will this be the last day that I walk? Not a far fetched question to ponder when you have lived with Multiple Sclerosis for over 11 years and little by little your brain and spinal cord are being eaten away at. When the wrong words come out of my mouth and I have to ask, "did I say that?", when I forget what I'm thinking in the middle of thinking, or forget what I'm saying in the middle of saying something, when my hands randomly drop something and it crashes to the floor, when I can't manage to move at all without increasing my dizziness, when my arms are tingling from folding warm laundry, when my back just aches and my strength is declining... I can't help but think that satan has asked whether he can sift me like wheat. I desire to cling to my Savior and remember the cross. He understands every single little twinge of pain and the deep feelings of being isolated. There isn't a single thing that my Lord doesn't understand about my personal situation. I am isolated in that many of my friends with MS cannot comprehend being dizzy 24/7. My dizzy friends with vestibular disorders can't comprehend having all of the MS symptoms on top of the dizziness. I call it my "combination platter". If I allow myself to feel like I have things worse than anyone one else, it puts me in a place where I could become bitter. May that never be. I turn to my Savior and ask Him to let His grace be sufficient for me this day. Let His empty tomb be a reminder that this will end well in due time. A new thing is happening. I don't know all the details but I trust what He has said to me today through His Word. He will make a road through my wilderness and a river or stream through my desert...God is good, all the time. 

In the cleft of the rock...

Exodus 33:22

New King James Version (NKJV)

22 So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by.

This is one of my favorite verses. I'm not sure why but I just love to picture this scene. Sometimes I feel like God has placed me in the cleft of the rock. I am hidden and isolated as the world goes by and the people around me are participating in everyday life. I am on the sideline, yet I have joy knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be. He blesses me with just enough glimpses of His glory to confirm that I am where He wants me and in His will. I haven't blogged in quite a while and honestly, I haven't had the desire to. The past few days I have been flooded in my spirit with joy. I still feel physically awful and weak but my spirit is soaring for some strange reason. After saying goodbye to one of our friends who moved home to heaven, the sadness was overwhelming yet it has caused more anticipation about my final destination. To be present with The Lord! 

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that said, "don't miss your ministry because of your misery". Something just clicked. Not that I didn't already know that The Lord would use my Multiple Sclerosis to minister to others, but my eyes were opened to something new. I realized that I have tried to work around my MS and even minimize it. It has taken over too much space in my central nervous system to hide or ignore anymore. It is taking over my physical body but, there are some things that MS cannot steal from me. It cannot steal my salvation, my hope, my eternal home. Things are going south in many ways healthwise but I will be making a complete u-turn when God calls me home. This life is not the end. The end we experience here, also known as death, will be the doorway to eternity. Heaven or hell forever. Praise God for sending Jesus to die for us...a sinful people. Placing your trust in Him for salvation, repenting of your sin and yielding to His Holy Spirit can save you from eternal damnation.  Although my circumstances are not great and I can be pretty sure that my health will continue to decline based upon the nature of the beast, I am still able to live with the confident hope of ridding myself of this "tent" and being free from sin, disease and death! What a splendid time it will be! Praise be to God!

2 Corinthians 5:1-5

New King James Version

5 For we know that if our earthly house,this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven,3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are inthis tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

The days are challenging, yet His grace IS sufficient...

2 Corinthians 12:9

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I'm not going to candy coat this entry because I have a habit of doing that exact thing. I tend to sugar coat this awful disease at times because of the strong focus I have on my eternal future in heaven and I also don't want to come across as a whiner or complainer. I certainly am aware that there are other people with greater struggles than mine that I do not want to minimize in any way whatsoever. 

I am beginning to realize that I don't allow myself to express how I feel about the way Multiple Sclerosis is affecting my body and in turn, my life. The problem with that may be that I am setting myself up for a state of "existing" as opposed to actually "living". There is an old saying that goes... “Don't be so heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good". 

I don't want to post a blog of moaning or complaining because honestly, who wants to read that? I will say though, that Multiple Sclerosis is a devastating disease on so many levels because of the endless symptoms and because there quite often are no body parts that are spared from it's path of destruction. Your brain and spinal cord control your entire body. Permanent damage to areas of your brain is actually considered "brain damage". That can be a hard pill to swallow. Some of my symptoms have been around since I first started having them over 12 years ago. They have just become part of my new norm over the years. I keep picking up new symptoms along my path almost daily that become additions to the pain and discomfort of living with MS. The worst of all symptoms is by far the dreaded vertigo. It is no longer just a fast spin that awakes me from a deep sleep. Now I also get a slow motion partial spin while upright and the sensation that I'm falling in a pit or being sucked down a drain every time I lay down. 

I mentioned on Facebook fairly recently about a "meltdown" that I recently experienced at our MS bible group. It was an evening surrounded with some of our closest friends that also have MS. One of my friends had me re-read something that I had shared with her during a recent phone conversation that was from a post that I had read on Facebook. The question that was posed on Facebook to the MS community was something to the effect of, "how do you describe what MS is to people in just a few minutes?". I had half jokingly responded by saying that I find it easier to tell people to just "Google it". But one gentleman's response was jaw dropping to me. What was so weird about his response was how it struck me to the core of my being. He described how he would have the person literally step into his body. He talked about how the person's initial reaction would be complete shock. The next reaction would be the person screaming, cursing and crying. Lastly, the person would be on their knees begging for him to take his disease back. I found that so compelling. My friend had me read this to our group and as I did, the well of emotion came pouring out of me by way of tears spilling down my face. I honestly wanted to just sob but I still felt like I had to exercise control over my emotions. I have quite often mentioned to my husband, Kenny and my daughter, Amanda that I would just like someone to actually experience my body for a few minutes. I just feel like it would be an eye opener. I know that other people must experience this desire to be completely understood by their loved ones. 

That night was life changing for me and for all of my friends who witnessed my "cathartic moment". It made everyone realize that although we have the hope of our eternal destiny with The Lord, we are still fragile, hurting and unwell people who need to get through our long days moment by moment. One of my friends there that evening said, "but you're always smiling!". I realized that through my pain and discomfort The Lord still blesses me with the ability to smile a genuine smile. I see that as a gift from God.  Another thing that I do want to stress is that, just because your unwell loved one is smiling, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are feeling great or even good at all. I truly believe that God gives me all that I need in every moment of my life with Him. His grace IS sufficient for each and every moment of my life. The truth is that it doesn't always feel like it is, but I hold on to the biblical truth that it IS sufficient for me and it always will be. 

Today my hands feel like my feet. They are becoming more numb (feels like bubble wrap is wrapped around them) and my dexterity is declining. Just another symptom that I may or may not have to endure for the rest of my life. How do I live like this? I do not have a choice, but I do have the ability to choose how I will respond to my difficulties. I don't always respond well, but when I do, it usually involves prayer, bible reading, devotions and lots of love from my God, my family and my friends. As time goes by, I am realizing that I need to share sometimes with the people closest to me what is going on inside my body and the thoughts that coincide. I don't expect answers or even a reaction. I just need someone to really listen sometimes because this is getting harder day by day...

Lisa

Proverbs 18:24a

New King James Version (NKJV)

24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly,[a]

I have a friend. Her name is Lisa. She was literally my very first BFF. When my family moved into the home in which my parents still reside, I didn't have a real friend in the world. Lisa and her family lived a few houses down. Honestly, I can't even remember our first meeting. I'm sure she does though. She has the best memory of anyone I've ever met. As soon as we met, we became instant friends. We were the same age and in the same grade in school which was middle school at the time. We lived through our "80's feathered back hair" days and our "jeans are so tight we have to lay down on a bed to zip them up" days. We also had our "cowboy hat" days and our "hang out at the bowling alley" days. Who could forget our "doing sign language across the hall in school" days and the "sunburn our faces and Sun-In our hair" days.  The list goes on and on. Some of the list I would rather forget, but the bottom line is that I wouldn't trade my memories with Lisa for anything. 

Lisa was born with completely normal hearing. A complication at birth caused damage to her inner ears causing severe hearing impairment and the need to wear a hearing aide. I always looked up to my friend who NEVER let her hearing loss stop her from being who she was or doing anything she desired to do. 

Fast forward to today. I have MS and my most debilitating symptoms are vestibular in nature. Lisa is watching me deal with my own physical ailments now and we both share something amazing in common... A friendship that has stood the test of time. We have experienced so many trials in our lives but nothing has ever stopped Lisa from keeping our small tight knit group of childhood friends together. She is most certainly the glue that keeps us all together. 

I so appreciate all of the many friendships that I have made over the years but there will always be a special place in my heart for who I still affectionately call Lisa Nockowitz (although she has been Lisa Hutcherson for 25 years now). I love you my friend... 

Delayed Gratification

Romans 8:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

The words "delayed gratification" have been swirling around in my head a lot lately. I have SO much to look forward to, eternal life ahead of me! Sometimes I feel as if my life here on earth is closing in on me. I have become more immobile, a bit isolated and quite uncomfortable most of my days because of Multiple Sclerosis. If I allow myself to dwell on my discomfort, it overwhelms me. I begin to consider my age and how many years I could potentially have to suffer through life with this dreadful disease and it's ravaging effects. I've already endured MS for over 11 years. That's a long time to "not feel well". Just some honest thoughts... 

When I look around me, I see many different scenarios. I see friends hanging on to dear life while fighting terminal illnesses, I see people biding their time until they can see their departed loved ones again, I see friends struggling in their marriages, finances and a multitude of other major life trials. Then I think about our future. My future and the future of my brothers and sisters that have placed their trust and their very lives in our Savior, Jesus. We have Him to look forward to! It's just a matter of time until we see Him face to face. Our day of death will certainly arrive and until then, we need to occupy our time here as He has instructed us. It's a win win situation. We can't lose if we remain in His will. If we go through difficult times or even times that seem completely unbearable, He is not only aware of our circumstances, He is with us through them. He never leaves or forsakes us! We need to hang on to Him for dear life because HE IS OUR LIFE. I think that "delaying gratification" may be a psychological term but it is applicable to what we need to do here on earth. Our rewards are to come and all we need to do is be obedient to what He calls us to do. Writing this blog today was what He asked me to do. So here it is. Will you listen to His voice today? He will never put us to shame...

Romans 10:11

New King James Version (NKJV)

11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”

Longsuffering in marriage...

1 Corinthians 13:4

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Kenny actually bought me this Precious Moments "I love you" figurine before we were married. I LOVED it!!! My heart leapt for joy when I received it as a gift. This weekend he told me that he loves me, but it sounded different than what I am used to hearing. It sounded heartfelt and less "routine". I'm not accusing my wonderful husband of not saying " I love you" properly but as we all know, after many years of saying those words to each other, it may begin to sound or even feel routine. 

Saturday I woke up and wanted to get out of the house. Since I'm not driving, I needed Kenny to drive us to Publix to get food for the week. When we got in the car, he asked where we were going. I said, "I guess to Publix".  I think he had something a little more exciting in mind other than going to the grocery store but he yielded to what we "needed" to get done instead of what would have been more enjoyable (like a trip to Jaxson's for lunch and ice cream). When I saw a glimpse of disappointment on his face, it stirred up emotions in me of feeling helpless...

Two years ago I was working, driving, going grocery shopping, serving at church, getting my hair & nails done, and just bopping around living my life. Things are very different now. Kenny could see the wheels spinning in my head by the look on my face. He immediately tried to make peace and reel me back in. He understood my frustration. By nature he is patient and a peacemaker. Sometimes we both need to vent a little. This life with MS can really stink terribly. Yes, my moods waver with what I'm feeling physically, but honestly my faith isn't shaken. I just long for a healed body and I'm like a kid waiting to go to Disney World as I anticipate heaven. It WILL happen one day but until then, we are only required to live one day at a time. Sunday we discussed our feelings from the day before. They were real. We didn't sweep them under the rug so they could jump out at some inopportune time creating unnecessary bitterness or useless bickering. A little insight into my husband's feelings and hearing him say "I love you" took on so much more meaning after listening to what was on his heart.  He reassured me that he's in this marriage for the long haul. Its exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. That is love...this is longsuffering...

Was it worth it?

Psalm 18:6

New King James Version (NKJV)

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

And cried out to my God;

He heard my voice from His temple,

And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.

The past two days have been rough. As some of you know from Facebook, Kenny and I went to the beach on Saturday. We stayed for only an hour. It felt so good to be sitting there in a beach chair on the sand and looking out at the ocean. Breathing in fresh ocean air was exhilarating.  I honestly don't remember the last time we actually went to the beach. We have gone and sat on a bench, but we hadn't actually gone to the beach for quite some time. After only one hour, my body knew it was time to leave. The rest of the day we spent together enjoying each other's company. We went to the grocery store, Starbucks for some coffee and came home and swam in our pool. It was a very full day for me.  The following morning (Sunday) I got in our pool again and moved around on a "noodle" that Kenny picked up for me at the pool store. I had two active days in a row! 

Then came Monday and Tuesday.... I was literally in bed ALL day, both days, barely able to move or function.  I'm not sure about when I last felt so completely drained like that. There are no words to describe that type of painful fatigue. I woke up exhausted and that heavy lead feeling never left me. I was pleading for God to lift it from me.  Over the years, I have been blessed with fairly decent energy for someone with MS. The past few days though, I was unable to do anything. Taking a shower landed me in bed. Even thinking was difficult. I had a taste of the debilitating MS fatigue that so many people suffer through daily. I have to admit, it was frightening. If I were to continue on that track, I would basically be bedridden...

Today is a new day though. I'm glad that I listened to my body and slept all day long for two days straight. It has paid off. Although I am still quite fatigued, I am feeling more energy today. I was texting a friend of mine yesterday who also has health issues, and I asked her if she thought that "going for it" when you're feeling well is worth it or would it have been better to skip the busy beach day? She thought that a day of enjoyment was well worth the harsh consequences. I suppose I agree somewhat, but I'm not sure that I'll be going to the beach again any time soon. Well, I don't think so anyway....

Who are you?

1 Corinthians 12:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased.

Yesterday, while having a talk with my daughter Amanda, I mentioned to her that it doesn't matter to me "what you become" but "who you become". What one does to earn a living does not define who they are. Belonging to The Lord Jesus Christ is the ONLY thing that truly matters. Such a complex yet simple truth. This life can literally strip us of all our worldly goods, loved ones, health....if that were to happen to you, would you know who you are in Christ? Could you see beyond being stripped of all your earthly possessions?

It's been two years since I left the working world. I don't look back. I can't say that it wasn't difficult to part with my licenses that I worked hard to get, but I CAN say that I press forward on to my upward call in Christ from my couch. God in His amazing ways is able to use any of us no matter where we are physically or what our circumstances look like. No matter how bleak things may appear, I still have my place in His kingdom and in the body of believers. 

I've been unable to serve physically in church for a while now, but that doesn't mean I have stopped serving God. He has strategically placed me exactly where He wants me. My life is not just a random "series of unfortunate events". 

I continue to pray to be in God's will, I can trust that I am exactly where He would have me. Some may look on and feel pity for me, but don't. Things may look bad on the outside at times and things may continue to worsen in appearance, but I believe every word of the bible and I know that I have a grand future ahead of me. Anyone who has placed their complete trust in Jesus for their salvation can say the same. If you haven't done that yet, He is just a prayer away. Ask Him today to cleanse you of all iniquity and He is faithful and just to do so. Resting in Him is peace and joy, even in the midst of terrible adversity... 

1 John 1:9

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Always making adjustments...

Matthew 6:34

New King James Version (NKJV)

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

As my days go by and my MS progresses, there are times when my only goal for the day is a shower. I do have some more constructive days where I actually accomplish some tasks (chores, crafts, cooking...). I have been taking naps almost every day lately and I am allowing myself to do so without listening to "the voices in my head" that tell me that I'm being lazy. Since God created me, I will always have my very own place in this world regardless of what this nasty disease called MS does to me.  No one else can be me. (I don't think anyone would want to be anyway, lol). I know that I often put pressure on myself to do more and sometimes that is a good thing, but sometimes my limitations need to be dealt with by resting. I am getting better at listening to the needs of my body. I have learned that it's ok to say no sometimes. Quite often I will find myself, like many of you do, where I am being pulled from every direction to do this or to do that. I am learning to do what I need to do in this unpredictable life with MS and that is "to just roll with it". If I am able to do whatever it is, great! If not, I will move forward and not look back. Being that I never have symptom free days anymore, like I did early on in my disease course, I have to adjust my daily routine as needed. If my hair goes unwashed an extra day, well so be it. A chronic disease can teach one a lot about what is important and what is not. I do what I am able to do when I can and I take the time to rest when I'm unable to do certain things. My favorite saying lately is, "it is what it is". That is true. No matter what my future holds, God is unchanging. Focusing on the "what ifs" have never been productive for me or anyone else that I know. More often than not, they don't happen. Crossing each bridge as I get to it is a much better plan. Today I polished my fingernails blue. I had Amanda pick a color for me. It would have never been my choice but hey, I'm mixing it up a bit today! Live for today and in each moment.   Enjoy every detail of your life. For in the blink of an eye, our life as we know it could change in a very unexpected way...we need to love each other passionately and extend grace to each other as well. Isn't that what Christ has done for us?

It isn't over till it's over...

2 Timothy 4:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I just read a devotion that used basketball as an analogy to life. It brought to mind game 6 of the NBA Finals series that I watched the other night with Kenny. Towards the end of the game it began to look hopeless for the Miami Heat. So hopeless in fact that many of the fans actually got up and left the game only to learn that they missed a great over-time and their team WON! I remember talking to God during that exciting game and wondering which team had more people praying for a win. I was going to be one of those fans who was praying. I'm not saying that the HEAT won because of my prayers or anyone else's (only God knows), but it made me realize that we as believers should NEVER be tempted to lose hope in this life no matter how terrible things are looking or feeling. I often wonder why The Lord allows me to suffer daily with dizziness, nausea, vertigo and the buffet of symptoms that this disease (MS) has to offer. My life seems surreal to me at times. This blog today is a reminder to myself and for all those who have put their complete trust in The Lord Jesus for their salvation that, "IT ISN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER!!!" None of God's children will lose!!! We need to hang on to Him and His promises during this crazy thing called life no matter how bad our circumstances appear. We know that the end result will be perfect. We have a big win waiting for us when we meet our Creator face to face after our race to the finish line is over! In the mean time, we need to be patient and wait on The Lord! 

Tonight the HEAT may win a championship or forfeit it to their opponent, but what I learned from game 6 is to never lose hope in the midst of our trying circumstances...

Harvey

Colossians 3:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

A picture today of our friend Harvey Gordon laying in his hospital bed led me to think about the bond we have as brothers and sisters in The Lord. I will never forget the day that Kenny and I bumped into Harvey, his beautiful wife Nanette and their adorable son Cristopher at the mall a few months ago. It was a big day out for both of us, as we have both been going through many health struggles. Something unique stood out to me that day at the mall. It can be summed up in one word, "kindness". Harvey stopped what he was doing and although he was and still is, going through an extremely rough trial in the form of leukemia, he took the time to comfort ME that day.  This reminded me very much of Jesus.   One of the things that made me realize that this man is "set apart", was the way he squatted down to my level as I sat in a chair while he was speaking to me. My dizziness and vertigo make it difficult for me to tilt my head to look up or turn sideways. I find myself struggling to hold conversations with people especially while sitting or when I'm in my wheelchair. People have the tendency to stand directly in front of me which causes me to lift my head up making me dizzy and nauseated. I would never tell anyone to squat down to speak with me, but Harvey did exactly that. It seems so trivial but obviously it meant a lot to me personally.  That was just one of the many qualities about him that stuck out to me that day. We discussed different things such as some of the changes that we were making to our diets. Harvey also had a verse to share with me that The Lord had laid upon his heart...

Job 10:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 You have granted me life and favor,

And Your care has preserved my spirit.

Sometimes God blesses us with a special connection with others who know and understand true sufferings through their life's circumstances. It's a club that none of us would choose to be a part of, but we accept what The Lord has allowed in our lives and choose to see His goodness in the midst of these circumstances. 

I'm asking anyone reading this blog entry to please keep my brother in Christ, Harvey, his wife Nanette and their precious little boy lifted up in prayer. Please join me in praying for God's healing, His strength to endure this fight and the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding that comes from God alone...

I also want to mention that Harvey is in need of a bone marrow transplant. If God so lays it on your heart to be tested to see if you're a match, please visit "Be The Match" on-line http://m.marrow.org/ for more information on how you can be tested to help give Harvey, or even someone else, a new lease on life...

*Harvey went home to be with our Savior on August 27, 2013. Please keep Nanette and Cristopher in your prayers...

Love suffers long and is kind...

1 Corinthians 13:4

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

The thoughts I had yesterday about my husband "suffering long" started most recently by another miserable bout of vertigo that started last Tuesday and ended with a broken part on my iPhone this weekend. My husband made an appointment at the Apple store to get it either fixed or replaced. Not a simple task for a gal that saves EVERYTHING on her phone. I have literally thousands of pictures, texts, notes, my journal....all on my phone. It turned out to be an ALL day event for my husband. Getting my old stuff backed up on our computer and getting my new phone in the order in which I like it was a daunting task for my poor husband. He knows how I am and I know how patient he is...

Being the "sick one" from the outside looking in can seem like the worst case scenario in a marriage. I don't agree with that though... I believe that being the spouse of the "sick" loved one is by far even more difficult. It is a very heavy load to bear.  This weekend God laid it on my heart to stop for a moment and think about what it would feel like to be in my husband's shoes. I thought about how helpless I would feel if the tables were turned. The feeling of not being able to remove my spouses pain and suffering. I thought about all of my husband's dashed dreams instead of just mine. I thought about the sacrificial way he devotes all of his time and love to me and our family every single day and NEVER complains. I thought about the way The Lord has given him this cross to bear for reasons that I can't understand. I thought about how selfish I can be by not expressing my gratitude for every kind gesture he exhibits towards me no matter how big or how small. I pray that God will continue to open my eyes as to how "my" illness is "our" cross to bear as a couple. It's not just "my burden". 

The "sick" spouse is quite often blessed with prayer, cards, notes, texts and messages of encouragement on a regular basis. What does the "healthy" spouse (caregiver) receive? 

My husband continues to work full time to provide for our family and every other waking moment of his life is devoted to caring for me, getting stuff done around the house, whether it's going from store to store to do the shopping, maintaining our home (inside & out), the vehicles, the pets... He doesn't receive accolades from the world (nor does he care to). I am comforted knowing that God sees EVERY single kind thought, action and deed that he does. His reward will be great in the Kingdom of God. I'm not writing this to rob him of his reward, but I am writing this so others will realize that although MS and other illnesses have dashed the dreams of many "sick ones", it has done the same or worse to our spouses (caregivers). We need to be lifting them up in prayer, reaching out to get them the help that they need and acknowledging them with our kind thoughts, actions and deeds as well. Sickness is not an excuse to not thank the ones we love for their selflessness. 

I love you Kenny Valentine....thank you for taking care of me in every way imaginable. From washing my face with a wet washcloth while getting sick to my stomach from vertigo, to fixing this picky girl's iPhone. Nothing you do is in vain. I see MOST of it, but God sees it ALL. 

1 Samuel 16:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord has shut me in but He is with me...

Genesis 7:16

New King James Version (NKJV)

16 So those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him; and the Lord shut him in.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream where I was spinning. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a dream. It was real too. The big "V" (Vertigo) has returned. There is nothing worse than chronic vertigo. I've said it before and I'll say it again, vertigo stinks! I am unable to function at all when I have theses episodes. They are completely debilitating. My eyes jump around and I don't know which way is up. I'm spinning and unable to control my body. The nausea I would equate with a bad day on the water while deep sea fishing. The vomiting is similar to severe morning sickness or food poisoning. If you put all these together, you come up with a miserable person who can't believe that a human body can be so cruel. Kenny, my wonderful husband and Amanda, my awesome daughter are like a machine. Everyone picks up where I leave off. I am literally couch bound 24/7 and get up with assistance only to use the bathroom. Those bars Kenny installed sure do come in handy. Falling off the toilet would be terrible! I'm so blessed in the midst of this nightmare. My husband cares for me and puts his needs last. He is patient and loving in the midst of my times of sadness and bordering despair. Today he read me some devotions, as it is difficult for me to read with nystagmus and double vision. He read about God shutting the door Himself to the ark. It seems that God has shut me in for another season, but He is with me. If you have prayed for me, I thank you. I also thank my friends and family for the texts, messages, e-mails and calls. It has been difficult to keep up with responding so I am blogging now to thank each and every one of you for blessing me and my family with your prayers, words of encouragement and love. It is the best medicine of all! Talk to you all again after this miserable Vertigo nightmare leaves. I pray it doesn't last long, but not my will be done, but His...

Funny how we remember things...

Psalm 118:24

New King James Version (NKJV)

24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.

As I was looking at some old pictures of a trip Kenny and I took in 2004 to Colorado, I realized that every moment of every day we are making memories. The weird thing is, that while I was looking at the old pictures, a few things crossed my mind. My hair was blonde, thicker, shiny and pretty. I also looked fit and slender.  Back when the pictures were taken, I'm sure that "in my mind" I thought I looked ugly that day. I also look at the pictures and think about the fond memories of our adventures in Colorado. The truth is that I was in the middle of a bad MS relapse and had just done a round of Solu-Medrol prior to leaving on the trip. It's funny how when we look back, we do remember some of the bad, but the good memories take precedence. The lesson of the day for me is to see the good NOW, in the midst of the hardships, because down the road when I'm flipping through pictures from today, I will wish that I had appreciated everything and everyone currently in my life....

Squeaky wheels...

Exodus 14:14

New King James Version (NKJV)

14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”

It seems to me that a minority of people are using the "squeaky wheel" idiom to perpetuate their political agendas. If a minority squeaks loud enough about an issue, even if it's contrary to what God proclaims in His Word, it will override what the majority believes, or so it seems. The problem or maybe the solution, depending how you look at it, is that when God is involved in an issue, it doesn't matter how many people follow along. He doesn't need us to accomplish His will but He graciously allows us to actively participate in it.  God can use one man to bring change to the world. He did that in Jesus, our Messiah and He can do it in and through His children.  Many "so-called" Christians are allowing the things of this world to permeate into who they are and what they believe. If Christ is living in us through the Holy Spirit, we cannot be submitting to what the world sees as right and wrong and becoming stained and blemished ourselves. 

As Christians, our moral barometer can only come from one source, The Word of God. Anything that is contrary to that is false and untrue. We need to pray for wisdom and boldness, and we need to deliver the truth in love, not the easiest task in the midst of a corrupt society, but definitely possible with God's help. We need a revival in this country of ours. We need to proclaim the Lord Jesus and the gift of salvation offered to anyone who will believe before it's too late. I pray that we as believers would not allow our society's moral condition make us feel defeated because The Lord has promised to fight our battles for us! He is coming back, He promised...

Revelation 22:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 “Behold, I am coming quickly! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book.”

I chose life...

Today is the day I want to tell my personal story of my second pregnancy...

While I was pregnant with my second child, I had all the normal prenatal care. When it was time for the routine AFP test (alpha-fetoprotein) I had to hold my breath after having a slightly abnormal result with my first pregnancy. My son Matt was born perfectly healthy after being frightened terribly throughout my pregnancy that something could be wrong with him. The same AFP test came back abnormal with my second pregnancy as well, but being that I had already experienced this, I didn't panic. A little further into my second pregnancy, as I was having an ultrasound, it was brought to my attention that there were "choroid plexus cysts" found on my baby's brain. This is where the real stress began and was magnified over the course of my pregnancy. It was explained to me by my OB/GYN doctor that the combination of the abnormal AFP test and the choroid plexus cysts on the baby's brain were quite indicative of a trisomy disorder known as Trisomy 18. At this point it was highly recommended that I have an amniocentesis to confirm. In panic mode, I made arrangements to have this test done as soon as possible. At my appointment, I signed paperwork indicating that the procedure carried many risks, one of which was the risk of having a miscarriage. I signed the paperwork. Then they began cleaning my pregnant belly with an antiseptic solution. It was at that very moment, I changed my mind. I just couldn't get myself to risk having a miscarriage. I loved my baby already. I got up off the table and told them that I had changed my mind. I left the amniocentesis facility and decided that I would deal with whatever happens. If my baby was born only to die shortly after birth, I would deal with it the best I could. After that day, I cried many tears not knowing what the future would hold. I also suffered extreme anxiety on top of the never ending morning sickness that lasted throughout my entire pregnancy.

My OB/GYN, who happened to be a woman, was horrified that I didn't follow through with the amniocentesis. She told me that it would make sense for me to consider terminating my pregnancy. She also suggested that I take a trip to one of the local "homes" where special needs children were living, so I could get a "taste" of what I could be in for. Looking back and knowing how young I was and how I didn't know The Lord, I am so grateful that I didn't allow the doctors use of intimidation to sway my decision to follow through with my pregnancy and to give birth to my child regardless of the consequences.

Well, the day finally arrived and it was time to give birth. My baby was born on June 18, 1992. She was over 9 pounds and as soon as she was born, they whisked her away to the NICU to check to see if she was healthy. They brought specialists in who made some observations about the lines on the palms of her hands and the scare of something being "wrong" with her continued to linger even after her birth.

Eventually, it was determined that she did not have a trisomy disorder and that she was healthy enough to go home. Although she had some issues in her infancy, such as a hemangioma that developed on her back at about 2 months old and an unusual birthmark on her face and neck , she was a perfectly healthy baby girl. This baby girl is now 20 years old and I am so grateful that I chose life, even when I didn't know God and was basically being bullied as a young Mom into "terminating my pregnancy" (murdering my baby) because she may have had a trisomy disorder.

No, I do not know what it would have been like to actually have had a baby girl with Trisomy 18, but I realized that God would have been there for me no matter what the circumstances would have been.

What triggered my blog today was a post on Facebook that I saw from Rick Santorum stating that his precious daughter Bella (she has Trisomy 18) has turned 5 years old today!

I am so thankful that in my young, naive and maybe even ignorant thinking back then, I was able to make the only right decision which was to give birth to my child no matter what the cost. Life is always worth it...I love you Amanda Rose Geyser!!!

Psalm 127:3
New King James Version (NKJV)
3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Not so precious in God's sight last night...

1 Peter 3:3-4
New King James Version (NKJV)
3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

Last night I had a meltdown. I don't know what else to call it. I have been feeling very trapped in my body as of late and my negative thinking triggered an ugly situation. Making plans to do anything or to go anywhere puts a heavy burden on me. It's difficult to make plans when you never feel well.

Over the last few years I have been known to go through seasons of severe hair loss. Actual shedding. As a woman, it is horrifying. It has been really bad at times but has been known to improve over time just to start all over again. Well, it started again recently. I'm currently in the "I'm gonna be bald soon" panic mode which isn't pleasant for those close to me. If you have ever lost massive amounts of hair whether male or female, it's rather shocking and very disturbing. One of the first times that this happened I actually screamed out to Kenny from the shower as hair just slid down my body and onto the shower floor. The sensation is like pulling cotton candy off the stick but it's not cotton candy, it's my hair. 

My limitations plus my most recent bout of hair loss put me in a foul mood last night. I verbally threw up all over my husband for no good reason. Spurting everything on my mind and shooting my mouth off like venom-filled daggers to his kind heart. The verse that caught my eye and smacked me upside the head first thing this morning was,

James 1:19
New King James Version (NKJV)
Qualities Needed in Trials

19 So then,[a] my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

I left the title of this area of scripture above. Notice it says,"qualities needed in trials". I actually posted this verse on Facebook recently too! A word of advice from me. Take a deep breath, pray and ask The Lord to control your tongue. If you don't, you may look extremely foolish and need to ask for forgiveness if you blow it like I did. Once again, I'm thankful for the unlimited amount of grace and forgiveness showered on me by God and my wonderful husband...

Proverbs 29:11

New King James Version (NKJV)

11 A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back.

Let Him guide your paths..

Proverbs 3:5-6
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct[a] your paths.

As someone with MS, I find that there seems to be a bit of a war amongst others with the same disease and that saddens me greatly. I read a couple of things on-line last night and this morning that I find to be so disturbing. Due to the fact that there is a specific doctor with Multiple Sclerosis, who wrote a book about eating a certain diet, there seem to be many arguments going on within the MS community as to how to treat the disease. There is so much division going on between those who choose to take disease modifying drugs vs. those who choose to use only food and supplements as medicine (yes, there are those who use both). People with diseases such as cancer don't seem to be berated quite as much, although I know that some are, for their decision to use harsh drugs such as chemotherapy to help them survive. The choice to take strong medications is not an easy one to make, but it has to be an individual's decision based on numerous factors.

I personally believe that eating the proper diet, especially foods that decrease inflammation is common sense. It certainly won't hurt anyone and may even improve your quality of life to a certain degree but eating a certain diet does not CURE the disease. In a disease such as MS, just one tiny lesion or demyelination in the "wrong place", such as your brain stem, can set off a time bomb that can disable you for life.
I know of a woman in particular who has done extremely well decreasing her exacerbations of MS through changing her diet. She is currently having a bad relapse and is asking people on social media what she should do next as far as taking meds or not. She has chosen to invite all kinds of opinions that are only going to confuse and torment her. Some people had the nerve to tell her whether or not she should take medication. Who are these people that you are asking for medical advice? I know personally when symptoms are minimal, it is easy to say "NO DRUGS" but when half of your body goes completely numb, the story has a tendency to change quickly. This disease can be extremely frightening, I will be the first to admit that, but If I choose to go to a doctor and opt for conventional medicine, it is up to me to either listen to what my doctor believes is best for my particular situation or why bother seeking medical attention at all? That is not to say I can't question my physician's advice or seek another opinion.

Another situation I read about today involved a niece who mentioned on social media that her dear aunt just passed away due to MS. She was saying that other people, including family members, were accusing the deceased woman of not fighting the disease hard enough. Are you kidding me? Every moment of my life is a struggle with MS and to think that someone could possibly accuse me of not fighting my MS hard enough just infuriates me. To top it off, the young niece has MS herself and is being subjected to those terrible accusations about her aunt. How sad.

I don't normally use this blog to go off on tangents but my heart is very heavy for those suffering with MS and other diseases that have to deal with other people's judgments and opinions on top of an already miserable situation.

When I make decisions about my treatments they are prayerful but not perfect. I have made choices about not taking a medication and feel that I suffered consequences due to that decision. I have also made decisions to take medications that have made me sicker. There is no perfect solution but there is a holy and perfect God. He is there for me no matter what decisions I make. His grace and mercy are available to cover ALL of my decisions, both the good ones AND the not so good ones. I choose to rest in that...

Never Forsaken...

Mark 15:34
New King James Version (NKJV)
34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” which is translated, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”[a]

My nights are bad. I am stuck sleeping on my left side and I am unable to move from that position all night. It has been this way for about 5 years. Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night on my right side. Doesn't sound too traumatic does it? Well, I've been suffering ever since. Remember spinning around as a child outside while playing in the grass? You would spin in one direction and then spin in the opposite direction to balance yourself out. The sensation in my head is very difficult to describe. I'm off kilter. Unbalanced. I feel a pulling that makes me stumble. I am out of sorts. Normally, after a few days it will adjust but this time it's not. My legs and arms have been aching me terribly in the night. I just can't get comfortable as I sleep. It's a constant struggle to continually fall asleep throughout the night in the midst of such uncomfortable symptoms.

Then I wake up. I lay there wondering how I will make it through another day. I do an assessment of my pain, discomfort, dizziness....I feel defeated before I even sit up. This morning I asked Kenny, "how I will continue to do this?" He simply listened and put his hand on me lovingly.

I left the room and opened my bible randomly. I read the above verse and I was smacked back into reality. Jesus, hanging on the cross for ME! Feeling forsaken by His Father. Isn't that how I felt when I woke up? Forsaken by God. The truth is that I haven't been. It may feel that way at times but its not the truth. I am so glad that my Savior knows exactly what that feels like. How could we ever relate to Jesus unless He too felt forsaken? No matter what this life brings, I have many great promises to cling to! The best promise of all is that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. Amen!

Hebrews 13:5
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”[a]

Deuteronomy 31:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

He pulls me out of the pit again...

Psalm 40:1-3
New King James Version (NKJV)

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

As I wrestled with sleep last night once again, and lay there worrying about my plight, I couldn't stop obsessing over my bad health and what it could mean for me and my family down the road in the future. Since doing a three day round of steroids this week and feeling much worse than I usually do, I was beginning to feel sorry for myself and was starting to slip & slide back down into the miry pit once again.

I'm like an open book when it comes to my life with MS. I don't hide the fact that I have this disease. I would like to think that I am very approachable and I would also like to believe that I have been gifted with the type of compassion that can only come through suffering myself with a chronic debilitating disease but in all honesty, my patience seems to be regressing and in turn, my compassion for others is fading a bit as well. I have a huge desire to tell people about the hope we have in Jesus Christ but I also want to warn people to not take their health for granted. I have taken my own health for granted even while living with MS over the years. Being ill doesn't make one immune to taking certain blessings for granted.

While at my last neurological appointment, my doctor told me about another woman who, like me, is stuck in a body that is spinning (plagued with vertigo). He felt that it might benefit her greatly if she could share her experiences with dizziness and vertigo with someone else who struggles with similar symptoms, that person being me.

I woke up today in "survival mode". I had no true plans of accomplishing anything "meaningful" today. My body is feeling miserable and I was contemplating just sleeping the day away to escape my withdrawal symptoms. My goals for the day were simple. A shower, clean clothes and my bed or the couch for the rest of the day. I had accomplished the shower part when Kenny came into our bedroom and approached me while holding our telephone out towards me with the mute button activated. The screen said "Dr. Steingo" and I assumed they were checking up on me after doing the three days of Solu-Medrol. I said hello and my doctor's assistant asked me how I was doing today, I replied, "I could be better". She proceeded to tell me that she knew I had discussed another patient who is suffering terribly with vertigo and dizziness with Dr. Steingo. She asked me if I would be willing to give this patient a call. I said, "yes! I would love to!" I jotted down her name and number and I also gave the doctor's office permission to give out my number to her or anyone else they felt would benefit from speaking with me.

"Of all the days", I thought to myself. "I feel terrible myself today. How could I ever encourage someone else today?"

I put the woman's name and number aside and thought I'd wait a day or two before calling. Then my thoughts began to drift to some of the most miserable days I've ever experienced in my life. The days that merged into weeks and then months of chronic vertigo that resulted in falls, vomiting, nausea and a complete sense of dread and despair. I lifted up a quick prayer, picked up the phone immediately and dialed the number. A voice on the other end of the line answered. I introduced myself to her and explained how I received her name and number from our mutual doctor. The excitement in her voice stood out to me and it made me realize that my personal experiences have put me in a position to help others. On a grand scale, nothing major happened, yet there was a deep sense of connection between the two us that was deeply expressed and appreciated by the both of us. She felt like someone could finally hear what she was saying. We all have a deep need to be heard and a strong desire to be understood.

Just when I thought that it would be absolutely impossible for me to minister to an ant today, let alone another human being, God had different plans. He used me in the midst of my own storm. I am in awe of my God once again. He not only lifted me out of the miry pit once again, but he used me to help lift another new friend out of her pit too...

Ecclesiastes 4:10
New King James Version (NKJV)
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.

Facades...

Romans 7:14-25
New King James Version (NKJV)
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
The Apostle Paul

Yesterday was an awful day physically. It was a "couch day". It was one of those days that I am literally unable to move much at all without severe dizziness that is nauseating and imbalance that can knock me off my feet with a sudden turn. It was one of the worse days I've had in a very long time. The culprit I believe was laying on my back for a CT scan the day before yesterday. I have been unable to lay on my back or my right side for at least 4 years, maybe longer. I have slept on my left side only all this time. Normally, when having MRI's, I will need to take medication. Since the CT scan wasn't nearly as long as an MRI, I thought I could stick it out. Well, I did stick it out but was feeling like death for the remainder of the day and all of the following day, which was yesterday. This is how life rolls for me. One day I'm posting pictures of a smiling me on Facebook, and the very next day I'm too sick to smile or move.

While we were away I didn't go on Facebook as much as I normally do because I was out of the house and keeping busy. One of the times that I did check it, I saw a few words that literally took my breath away...Sad, Annette, Died.... A few weeks ago I decided to re-watch some videos of Annette Funicello that her husband had allowed to be shown of her most recent condition. She looked nothing like the Annette we all remembered from her "Beach Blanket Bingo" days. Multiple Sclerosis had ravaged her body. Some would ask, "why would you torture yourself by watching those videos?", but I had to see what this hideous disease had done to her. Quite often as people, when we get sicker and sicker, we tend to go away and retreat out of the public eye. After watching these videos again, I cried. I put Annette on my prayer list and added one of her Facebook pages as another reminder for me to pray for her. While we were driving to Ohio, I learned on Facebook that she had died. I didn't expect to see that she passed away. I cried. My heart was heavy. I pray she knew The Lord Jesus.

I couldn't help but to fast forward my own life and my MS and see myself in a similar situation as Annette on the sooner side of things. After all, this month marks 11 years of living with MS for me. That's how I tend to be. I can't help but to anticipate the worst. How can I stop my mind from traveling that road? Well, for me, I remind myself that no matter how grave things may look or how bad they actually get here on earth, this is not the end. There is a place reserved for me in heaven. All I need to do is continue to place my faith and my trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ. My debt was paid in full and I have received a ticket to go home.

I am looking forward to closing my eyes one day and slipping out of this diseased body of mine. I pray that God would have mercy on me and supply all the grace necessary to finish my race well no matter how many hurdles trip me up. Yesterday was a reminder of how sinful and ugly this body can be. When the feelings of frustration come out and they are manifested by me lashing out at the ones I love, it makes me hate my sin all the more. I changed my profile pic on Facebook the other night and many of my friends "liked" it, BUT my husband and my daughter see the "real me". The no make-up, bad hair, pajamas all day, and my bad attitude when I feel miserable. It doesn't last long usually, but it always rears it's ugly head. Oh how I long for the day that I will be saved from this sinful mind and sickly body! Until then, I will be grateful for the never ending supply of grace that is supplied for me continuously...thank You Jesus!