2 Corinthians 12:9
New King James Version (NKJV)
9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I'm not going to candy coat this entry because I have a habit of doing that exact thing. I tend to sugar coat this awful disease at times because of the strong focus I have on my eternal future in heaven and I also don't want to come across as a whiner or complainer. I certainly am aware that there are other people with greater struggles than mine that I do not want to minimize in any way whatsoever.
I am beginning to realize that I don't allow myself to express how I feel about the way Multiple Sclerosis is affecting my body and in turn, my life. The problem with that may be that I am setting myself up for a state of "existing" as opposed to actually "living". There is an old saying that goes... “Don't be so heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good".
I don't want to post a blog of moaning or complaining because honestly, who wants to read that? I will say though, that Multiple Sclerosis is a devastating disease on so many levels because of the endless symptoms and because there quite often are no body parts that are spared from it's path of destruction. Your brain and spinal cord control your entire body. Permanent damage to areas of your brain is actually considered "brain damage". That can be a hard pill to swallow. Some of my symptoms have been around since I first started having them over 12 years ago. They have just become part of my new norm over the years. I keep picking up new symptoms along my path almost daily that become additions to the pain and discomfort of living with MS. The worst of all symptoms is by far the dreaded vertigo. It is no longer just a fast spin that awakes me from a deep sleep. Now I also get a slow motion partial spin while upright and the sensation that I'm falling in a pit or being sucked down a drain every time I lay down.
I mentioned on Facebook fairly recently about a "meltdown" that I recently experienced at our MS bible group. It was an evening surrounded with some of our closest friends that also have MS. One of my friends had me re-read something that I had shared with her during a recent phone conversation that was from a post that I had read on Facebook. The question that was posed on Facebook to the MS community was something to the effect of, "how do you describe what MS is to people in just a few minutes?". I had half jokingly responded by saying that I find it easier to tell people to just "Google it". But one gentleman's response was jaw dropping to me. What was so weird about his response was how it struck me to the core of my being. He described how he would have the person literally step into his body. He talked about how the person's initial reaction would be complete shock. The next reaction would be the person screaming, cursing and crying. Lastly, the person would be on their knees begging for him to take his disease back. I found that so compelling. My friend had me read this to our group and as I did, the well of emotion came pouring out of me by way of tears spilling down my face. I honestly wanted to just sob but I still felt like I had to exercise control over my emotions. I have quite often mentioned to my husband, Kenny and my daughter, Amanda that I would just like someone to actually experience my body for a few minutes. I just feel like it would be an eye opener. I know that other people must experience this desire to be completely understood by their loved ones.
That night was life changing for me and for all of my friends who witnessed my "cathartic moment". It made everyone realize that although we have the hope of our eternal destiny with The Lord, we are still fragile, hurting and unwell people who need to get through our long days moment by moment. One of my friends there that evening said, "but you're always smiling!". I realized that through my pain and discomfort The Lord still blesses me with the ability to smile a genuine smile. I see that as a gift from God. Another thing that I do want to stress is that, just because your unwell loved one is smiling, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are feeling great or even good at all. I truly believe that God gives me all that I need in every moment of my life with Him. His grace IS sufficient for each and every moment of my life. The truth is that it doesn't always feel like it is, but I hold on to the biblical truth that it IS sufficient for me and it always will be.
Today my hands feel like my feet. They are becoming more numb (feels like bubble wrap is wrapped around them) and my dexterity is declining. Just another symptom that I may or may not have to endure for the rest of my life. How do I live like this? I do not have a choice, but I do have the ability to choose how I will respond to my difficulties. I don't always respond well, but when I do, it usually involves prayer, bible reading, devotions and lots of love from my God, my family and my friends. As time goes by, I am realizing that I need to share sometimes with the people closest to me what is going on inside my body and the thoughts that coincide. I don't expect answers or even a reaction. I just need someone to really listen sometimes because this is getting harder day by day...
