Tempted to be angry, bitter & selfish BUT I chose not to....

1 Corinthians 10:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Isn't it amazing that when we take our eyes off our fears, doubts, and struggles to focus on someone else's needs, we somehow forget our own? And in believing the power of God's promises for others, our confidence in His promises for us increases. Renee Swope, from Encouragement for Today Devotion

Sometimes my problems, the large ones as well as all the petty ones, begin to add up to a point where I feel completely paralyzed. Not in the literal sense, but figuratively. Kenny and I just returned from a trip to Dayton, Ohio to watch our high school senior Taylor perform in her very last color guard competition for high school. Due to my MS, and more specifically my vestibular issues, we chose not to fly on an airplane. I feel as if the cabin pressure would be too much for me. I'm scared to death of entering a state of chronic vertigo, which I have suffered greatly through for many months at a time in the past. Dizziness is somewhat workable once you have become used to living with it, but vertigo is completely unlivable and unworkable. So we decided to drive the scenic route to Ohio, taking our time as we made it into as much of a vacation as possible. This vacation would be very different though. This time we would be bringing "my chariot" (wheelchair) with all intentions of using it. You see, my legs just won't allow me to walk long distances anymore. Even if I were able to physically walk far, my head gets dizzier the more I walk around. In fact, conserving my legs by using the wheelchair doesn't help my dizziness as I'm being pushed around. This causes great anxiety to well up within me. If I were to allow myself to truly consider what this dreadful disease has done to my body, I would sob uncontrollably and never stop. These are the times that I have to speak God's truths to myself and believe them no matter how miserable I may be feeling. There is the temptation to be angry, bitter and selfish but I don't want to be that way and I know I have some important choices to make both daily and moment by moment as to how I will deal with the circumstances that The Lord, in His sovereignty, has allowed in my life. Some of the choices that I had to make while we were away included succumbing to "looking disabled". It is what it is. I AM disabled in many ways and that is a hard pill to swallow. Although it is nothing to be ashamed of, I'll admit that I felt somewhat embarrassed by being viewed this way by others. I can't lie. It's a major life adjustment that doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual process.

Although traveling was difficult for me and I didn't feel very well while we were away, I made some choices that I am very glad about. First of all, I chose to go on the trip. It would have been a lot easier to have Kenny fly up to Ohio alone. I would have been more comfortable staying at home, but I chose to accompany my husband and my desire to watch Taylor perform made me unstoppable. I chose to allow Kenny to push me around Savannah, GA in an area that was far from wheelchair accessible (being pushed on ancient cobblestone roads with a dizzy head can be torture), I chose to allow Kenny to take pictures of me in my "chariot" and I came to appreciate it all the more because it allowed me to get around without completely exhausting myself. I rode around Gatlinburg, TN the same way. One of my biggest moments came in Ohio as Kenny and I fell in love with the Air Force Museum. We actually went there 3 days in a row. We went to the information center during our second visit to find out about the bus trips they have where they bring you onto the actual Air Force base to visit a very special display of presidential planes, such as the old retired Air Force Ones. Special arrangements were made for Kenny and I as we would be chaperoned by our own driver of their handicapped vehicle. Instead of waiting in long lines in the cold, we were given our own private ride to the base. This was really stepping out of my comfort zone. Being lifted up on a ramp to be put in this vehicle was surreal, but I wasn't going to allow my pride to prevent me and my husband from seeing these awesome sights.

Between the traveling, the excursions, the pressure in my ears from driving through the mountains, the early rising and the late nights, my body was ready to come home and rest. I was pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, but all in all I am SO glad that I went! I have no regrets. We took the ride home that we were going to do in three days and changed it to a very long and tiring 21 hours of driving straight home in one shot. Lots of prayer, coffee and a 5 hour energy drink for Kenny and we were on our way home. I'm blessed to have a husband who can roll with my whims. I'm blessed to have my God to cry out to when I'm hurting and feeling tempted to feel sorry for myself. I'm also blessed to have a future in store for me where there will be no more wheelchairs, walkers and canes! Praise be to God, the Father of new mercies every single morning, I need them....

By the way, CONGRATULATIONS to West Broward High School for coming in 4th place in Scholastic World at the WGI Championship in Dayton, Ohio. Taylor Valentine, we love you and are so proud of all your hard work and accomplishments!!! <3

He Is Risen!!!

1 Corinthians 15:17-19
New Living Translation (NLT)
17 And if Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. 18 In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost! 19 And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world.

I have pondered the above verses over the past few days. I have come to the conclusion that if Jesus didn't really rise from the dead, then my life here would be in vain. If this was all there was to life and there was no future for me in heaven, I would be HORRIFIED. If I had to endure this life with all it's chaos, death, heartaches, trials & chronic disease, which for me includes this dreadful disease, Multiple Sclerosis, I would be a very DEPRESSED & HOPELESS person! The fact that He has risen and is alive, gives me the strength to carry on and the grace to not just survive, but to thrive. I can live my life to the fullest in the midst of my trials and heartaches because I have hope. He is ALIVE!!! The celebration of the empty tomb is EVERYTHING to me. The stakes are high. I have bet my entire life and eternal destiny on the reality of the resurrection. For me personally, it means that this decrepit diseased body of mine is just temporary. I will one day have a new glorified body and I will live eternally with God!

What or who have you placed your trust in? If you are going to put all your eggs in one basket, you need to make sure you choose the right basket...

John 3:16
New King James Version (NKJV)
16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
New King James Version (NKJV)
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

What is quality of life anyway?

From head to toe literally, my body hurts from the top of my dizzy head to the bottom of my numb feet. The degree of my discomfort waxes and wanes from day to day and from moment to moment. Fatigue seems to make things worse by far. I never feel "normal" anymore. It can be a lot to deal with, I won't lie. I often dream about feeling sick. It seems to be woven into the depths of my existence. Dizziness and weird "vestibular" sensations on top of ALL of my other MS symptoms rob me of ever feeling even halfway "normal." I often think to myself, if I had a clear head and wasn't dizzy and I was "just" unable to walk, I think that I would have a more active life, even if it was spent mostly in a wheelchair. There is no "work around" for dizziness and vertigo. Even when my legs fail me, a wheelchair doesn't help the "dizzy-thing". In fact, depending on who is pushing me, it can make me a lot dizzier. I am stuck in this body and I'm not sure if my life is one of denial or one of contentment. Maybe a combination of both. This disease called Multiple Sclerosis can be like a prison term with a life sentence. I don't like it or enjoy it, but I have a choice to make daily as to how I will live with it. Drawing near to the Lord is how I cope and find contentment in my situation. I choose to continue to be thankful in the midst of my discomfort.

MS can be truly deceiving. It can morph moment by moment. No two days are alike. As I wake up to pain & discomfort, I have two options. I can try and pray myself back to sleep or I can get up, make a pot of coffee, sit upright on the couch and try to get some relief from my spinning head and my deep nerve pain. It's this time alone with God that realigns my thought process with reality, which is a future in heaven with God and NO disease. Until that time, He has a purpose for me...my existence has value and worth to Him even when I can't see or feel it myself. My faith carries me.

My MS has changed my life greatly over the last few years. I have become unable to do many of the chores around the house that I was able to do at one time. Many of these chores have now become part of my husband's repertoire. I am unable to do things such as vacuuming and mopping the floor. Too much movement causes drastic symptoms that may put me on the sideline of life even more so than I am already. This deceiver of a disease may allow me to feel some relief from my dizziness from time to time during the day if I am able to keep my head still. This often gives me a false sense of wellness. The other day I took advantage of this break and actually grabbed my cane and went outside for a very short walk. I walked up our street and back. I have been trying to recuperate from that "short" walk for 2-3 days now.

When I was newly diagnosed back in 2002, I clearly remember thinking to myself, that as long as I am still able to praise God, I will learn to live with this diagnosis. The same still holds true. Although I am extremely limited, more so than I care to admit to, I am still able to praise God through my trials and be thankful. Quite often, everything may sound dandy as I write, my pain is often camouflaged in my words. It is not intentional. God does give me ALL that I need to get through my days. The simple pleasures in life such as a clean floor that was mopped by my husband, a call or visit from a friend, a good book I am able to read (and I'm still able to see), my kids texting or calling me or my husband making a run to McDonalds for a "Shamrock Shake" are all blessings that are reminders to me that God's grace is and always will be sufficient for me. Just when I think I don't have the stamina to get through even one more dizzy day, I do. What is quality of life anyway? I believe that it is what the Apostle Paul described when he spoke of contentment in the book of Philippians....

Philippians 4:11
New King James Version (NKJV)
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.

He is mine forever!!!

Psalm 73:26
New Living Translation (NLT)
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

I am used to being "unwell". I am so used to it in fact, that the enemy has to look for other sources to try and trip me up. These tactics may work for a season, but the One I turn to for help is God Almighty Himself. He is my Savior. He delivers me from all of my foes. I am never left alone or forsaken. I am loved in a way that no other human is capable of loving me. I am secure in my salvation. I am not my own. I'm a slave and I rest in that. I don't want to be set free from my Owner. He holds my life in the palm of His hand. He is my portion forever. He is my shield. He is my Rock. This world is upside down and inside out. Many people don't "get it" or understand. This is not my home. I'm an alien. A pilgrim. I am moving forward daily with the help of God's Holy Spirit. He will get me from earth to my eternal home in heaven. The roads may be twisted, bumpy and full of curves, but He will deliver me across the giant chasm in due time. It's not too wide or deep for God's children. We were chosen from before the foundation of the world. He formed us in our mother's womb and prior to that, He knew us. He came to the earth that He created, to be our Savior and to rescue sinners like me from the pit of hell. He rose from the grave to bring eternal life to those who believe. I'm forever grateful for my place in His family. So, like the Psalm says, my health may fail and my spirit grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever!!!

Weeds...

Matthew 13:25
New King James Version (NKJV)
25 but while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way.

We have a small rock garden in the front of our house. There are a few plants in there too. For weeks I have watched this ivy-looking weed just strangle the heck out of this one particular bush by our front door. Well not anymore, today was the day! I finally took some action. I put on some of those latex medical gloves (because I'm not a gardener and I don't have the proper gardening gloves) and I went to town pulling this never ending weed off of the bush. It obviously had some spiritual significance for me today, as I too am allowing God to pull some weeds from my spiritual garden. I've been experiencing a season of worry which has been causing feelings of anxiety to come over me as of late and I have a tendency to isolate myself when I'm stressed out. Do you ever have those nights where you just can't imagine that the morning will ever come? The nights seem so long when you can't sleep and you are thinking about how you are going to fix all of your life's problems. If I am unable to sleep, I've learned to stop trying and instead, I just go out on the couch and try to get comfortable in my little "corner of the world" but nothing has been soothing me lately. I had become overly preoccupied mentally. I have been unable to stop the "thought freight train" from running me over. The thoughts just kept coming full steam ahead. I wanted to fix everything and everyone that I was worrying about but I can't. Once again, I have been brought back to the realization that I'm just a person who needs Jesus, A LOT. I can't live without Him. I have realized that the peace He blesses me with is like a drug. I run to Him to soothe my pain. Sometimes the pain still remains, but in His timing, He comforts me and I am able to get through my struggles. The weeds of doubt and/or lack of trust may creep in at times but only He is able to pull these weeds from my garden. I have to allow Him to do this work in me. The bush has finally been freed and so has my spirit. It's a process. We have an enemy who wants to destroy us and our families but more importantly, we have a Savior that already took care of defeating him on the cross through His death and resurrection. The ivy-looking weed in our rock garden may reappear again one day soon and so may some of my spiritual weeds, so I will have to continue to tend both gardens. I can sleep again. I'm glad the weeds are gone, for the time being anyway....

Luke 4:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Now when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from Him until an opportune time.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day... It's also my Anniversary!

Ephesians 3:20
New King James Version (NKJV)
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,

It is 1997 and I'm working as a waitress/bartender at Chili's Bar & Grill and it's Valentine's Day. I'm a single, divorced Mom with two young children. I was lost but I have been found. I was blind, but now I see. I had been brought by a neighbor to church and was introduced to Jesus recently. I confessed my sin, repented and received Jesus as my Lord and Savior on July 31, 1996. I'm now a "new believer" and the Lord is teaching me daily about Himself. I begin attending Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale with my little ones regularly on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. I also begin to attend a group for Mom's of young kids and I'm taking a few classes to learn more about my new faith. I can't get enough of Jesus and His Word. I live from church service to church service. I can't wait for Wednesdays to come around and then I can't wait for Sundays to come. God now has my full attention, love and my devotion. I don't completely understand what salvation is at this point in time yet, but I know enough to be grateful for it and I want to know God more. I find it odd that the bible that was given to me is becoming easier for me to read and understand. If I had ever looked inside a bible before, it looked like a foreign language to me. As I read it now, it seems to come to life. I read it by the pool as I lay out in the sun before going to work and I'm enjoying it. The first significant change that I notice in myself is that God has made me overly aware of my potty mouth. My foul language and the blasphemy was beginning to leave me. I'm not quite sure if it is due to a specific sermon that I have heard or if the Holy Spirit is just convicting me. I long to know God better. I am a new creation in Christ and oh, I am so grateful for my new beginning!

After my divorce, God blessed me with a deep longing to be purged of my sin. I knew I had sinned against God. The more I look back now, the more I realize that the conviction of sin in itself was a blessing from God. After all, I was not brought up with much of any religious beliefs or convictions. I do vividly remember knowing that I was headed for hell because of my sin though. I just had no idea how to stop that from happening. Thoughts of damnation haunted me. I was scared of dying. That night on July 31,1996, God showed me the way to eternal life through His Son, and how to have my sins forgiven and my slate cleaned. I was so excited! I was given a fresh start! I was at church so late that first night that my worried parents came over to my apartment to check on me after trying to call me numerous times. I had just gotten home from church and I had my new bible that was given to me in my hands. I was so excited that I told my parents what had just happened to me. Wow, talk about immediate boldness! A Jewish girl telling her Jewish parents that she just came home from church and had gotten saved! Shortly after that night, I purchased a pair of gold dangling cross earrings and wore them proudly. God came into my life like a whirlwind. I was on fire for Him. I began to pray. God must especially love the prayers of a new believer because my prayers were answered just enough to make Him so very real to me. Not every prayer was answered because I do clearly remember praying for an ex boyfriend of mine to come back to me. Thank God for unanswered prayers too! I thought that I knew what was best for me, but I didn't. God did though. On that Valentine's Day in 1997, as I was working at Chili's, I served a man who had been brought to my attention by a co-worker of mine. She had pointed him out to me and told me that he was "available". I had told her that he wasn't my type and that I wasn't interested. He was quite a gentleman though, and very kind to me as I served him his meal. When he paid his bill with his debit card, I noticed that his last name was "Valentine". How odd is that? I am working on Valentine's Day and serving a man named Kenneth Valentine? I thought to myself, this is weird and I hope he tips me well or it could really ruin this moment. He did tip me well.

Back then, I never took the time or had the patience to write anything down. I never kept a diary or a journal but I do remember that this Kenny Valentine did begin to come in regularly to eat dinner and our conversations were mostly about what God was doing in my life. At some point, he had written a note which included his phone number, and put it on the windshield of my little silver Honda Civic. I honestly can't remember if I ever called him or not, but it doesn't matter because he seemed to continue coming in to Chili's and hanging out with me as I worked. He would stay until well after the restaurant would close and help me close out my tickets. We were becoming very good friends. We still are to this day. At some point in time, I invited him to a concert. "The Kry", a christian band, was coming to town and I invited him to join me at their concert which was being held at the church. I can remember waiting outside for the doors to open and everyone that was waiting to get in began singing "Soon and Very Soon, We are going to see the King". It was such a beautiful time. I loved Jesus. I loved church. I loved his people and I was going to be in love with this man soon and very soon as well. We enjoyed the concert. I continued to invite him to church on different occasions after that evening. When Easter came around, he ended up attending a stadium service with Taylor, his daughter, who was just under two years old at the time. I was very sick with a high fever and strep throat that left me unable to attend with them. One night, not too long after Easter, while I was working on a Wednesday night, he came in after attending a church service, to tell me that he got saved!!! We hugged as tears streamed down our faces. Everything changed that night going forward. God's plan for us was unfolding. We were both new believers now. We were not quite walking in His ways as we should, but His grace was sufficient for us back then and it still is today. We began to spend just about every waking moment together. I remember being in my two bedroom apartment when he came over to meet my kids for one of the very first times. Matt, my son, remembers "checking him out". He actually babysat for me and watched my kids for me while I worked on occasion. One of those times, Amanda had eaten peas. Lots of peas. She ended up getting sick and throwing up everywhere. He had to clean up pea vomit from furniture, carpeting, the hallway and the bathroom. I knew I was in love. He was too good to be true. God knew what was best for me. I'm so glad he has blessed me with more than I could have ever imagined for myself. Tomorrow we will be married for 14 years! I am actually blown away by my own story as I reflect on it and write about it. It is such an amazing love story. Meeting my Valentine on Valentine's Day 1997. Marrying him on Valentine's Day 1999 and becoming Mrs. Valentine, and now celebrating 14 years tomorrow on Valentine's Day 2013. What an amazing God! I don't ever want to forget the blessings He has bestowed upon me. There are so many mistakes we have made along the way, but He doesn't condemn us. He loves us in a way that we as humans are unable to comprehend. It's just too overwhelming. I pray that even if my memory fails me due to age or illness, I won't ever forget how I met my first love, Jesus and how I met the love of my life here on earth, my wonderful husband Kenny Valentine. I thank my God and give Him ALL the glory!

Pointed back to Christ...

Galatians 6:2
New King James Version (NKJV)
2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

The past few weeks have been stormy. The winds are blowing in hurricane force when it comes to trials that have been rolling in as regularly as getting dressed. Yesterday, my body was in full anxiety mode. My normal repertoire was just not working to relieve my feelings of stress. I lifted up a prayer and asked God if I could please cast my burdens on Him. I then attempted to read my bible and some devotions but I found myself unable to concentrate on anything other than my troubles. It was at this point that I reached out to my sister and some of my closest friends for spiritual support. Many years ago I prayed for christian sisters to come along side of me and for God to bless me with good solid friendships. I went many years before God answered that prayer. Over the last few years, He has blessed me with some of the most amazing woman in my life. I make a point to go to Him first, but when I need a human shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen, I have been blessed richly. We weren't called to do this thing called life alone. We are the body of Christ. We each play a different role, but we are all equally necessary. I have been a witness to the perfect example of bearing each another's burdens over the last few days. Although my circumstances haven't changed, my perspective has been renewed and I have been pointed back in the right direction. Good friends lead each other to Christ, not self help books. Thank you to all of my friends who have helped me bear my burdens as of late. I couldn't get through some of my days without you...

I thank You God for each and every friend that you have blessed me with...

Romans 12:5
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.

Romans 12:10
New King James Version (NKJV)
10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;