If we were truthful, we would admit that we ALL judge...

There are a few things in life that get my blood boiling. I would like to discuss one of them with you now. While scrolling through Facebook this morning, I came to a post on one of the dysautonomia pages that I follow. I too have a form of dysautonomia. It is most likely caused by my Multiple Sclerosis. Dysautonomia is the dysfunction of one's autonomic nervous system. Here is a short description of what dysautonomia is taken from Dysautonomia International;

What is Dysautonomia?

 

Dysautonomia is an umbrella term used to describe several different medical conditions that cause a malfunction of the Autonomic Nervous System. The Autonomic Nervous System controls the "automatic" functions of the body that we do not consciously think about, such as heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, dilation and constriction of the pupils of the eye, kidney function, and temperature control. People living with various forms of dysautonomia have trouble regulating these systems, which can result in lightheadedness, fainting, unstable blood pressure, abnormal heart rates, malnutrition, and in severe cases, death. 

As someone who has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis for well over 12 years and maybe many more when looking back at some of the symptoms that I had back in my late teens and twenties, I have lived through more symptoms than I am able to count or even recall. I have always stood by the statement that vertigo is by far my worst symptom. There is just no work around for the sensation that your body is spinning while you are throwing up and unable to stand in an upright position. It's the most distressing situation to live through and I have had it chronically for months at a time. Unable to move off the couch. Unable to move my head at all without it throwing me into the spins. After years of some recuperation to that area of my brain that was damaged (the brainstem), I have been left with residual permanent  dizziness. I am dizzy 24/7. The only thing that changes is the intensity of my dizziness. It's not spinning vertigo, although I do get bouts of that at times still too. My own body movements make me dizzy and nauseated. After vertigo, my dysautonomia comes in second place. 

About two years ago, I began to have symptoms of dysautonomia. At first it was subtle. I felt "off" at times. I learned to start taking my blood pressure periodically. My blood pressure was dropping to the point of nearly causing me to pass out. When all of this began, I was on yet another new MS drug. I believed at the time that the new drug was causing my symptoms so I stopped taking it. Over time, my symptoms got increasingly worse. I got to the point where my heart rate would shoot up and my blood pressure would drop to the point of being unable to register on my blood pressure monitor. I also began having chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations and I had also stopped sweating. My body's thermoregulation system is completely messed up as well.  I go from being extremely hot to freezing and vise versa. I am unable to stand in an upright position for very long without all of these symptoms starting up. I take medication to help with my tachycardia (increased heart rate) and I take a medication to increase my blood pressure in the morning when I first get up. If I have to be someplace, I wake up hours before I need to be there in order to give my body adequate time to adjust to the medications. When I first wake up, my heart is normally racing and my blood pressure is nil.  I feel like a limp dead flower. Once I take my medication, I can begin to feel the blood in my body start circulating and the feeling of being a dead flower begins to morph into a dead flower coming back to life. I begin to feel somewhat human again. 

These autonomic symptoms are at the least very uncomfortable and at their worst, completely debilitating. I have many MS symptoms that I live with on top of these debilitating ones such as numb feet, pins and needles, muscle twitches, muscle spasms.... I could type out a very long list of symptoms which also includes going completely blind in my right eye and random stabbing nerve pain that jolts me like electricity but I won't list them all.

Because of my associations on-line, I know that there is a very large number of people, especially young woman, who live their lives from bed due to dysautonomia. Many of them call themselves "spoonies", based on "the spoon theory" that someone made up to try and explain to healthy folks what it is like to live with a debilitating chronic illness. Many people who suffer from POTS, which stands for postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and is a form of dysautonomia, are able to still function enough to live their lives to the best of their ability. Many are woven into society and are walking around with this invisible debilitating illness and no one would ever know by looking at them. 

This morning as I read a post on Facebook from a young lady with a form of dysautonomia, I was deeply saddened. She wrote about how when she parks in the handicapped spot at a store, she will fake a limp in order to not be scorned by people that may verbally attack her for "looking normal" while parking in a handicapped spot. Many people "liked" her comment and not only did they "like" it, many admitted to doing the same thing! Oh my heart sank.... Not only because I am one of those people who doesn't look "that sick" and have been scorned myself for using a handicapped spot, but even more so because I've been on the other side of the coin and have been the person pre-judging others in my mind who don't appear to look as sick as me! If we would all be honest with ourselves, we would have to agree that we are truly wicked to the core without God and we need His help to recognize that. Well, that help did come 2,000 years ago and He is coming back again. Lord thank You for revealing my sin to me regularly but never condemning me for it. The good news of what You have already done for me (dying on the cross and living a perfect sinless life) unleashes the power to set me free from both my sin and condemnation. It relieves me of my guilt and shame.  Thank You for Your forgiveness and Your cleansing. I need it day by day and moment by moment as I walk the path that You have established for me. Don't we all need Him?

Jeremiah 17:9English Standard Version (ESV)

 The heart is deceitful above all things,
    and desperately sick;
    who can understand it?

One Picture of Grace...

After attending the same church where God saved us for 17 years and we had served there diligently in service oversight for most of those years, we began feeling the need to listen to other bible teachers in order to get fed spiritually. I remember Kenny and I crossing Alligator Alley on our way to Sanibel one weekend quite a few years ago and we listened only to podcasts by Pastor Tullian. His messages were addictive as we listened to one after the other, yet something in me felt like they were too good to be true. I had mentioned that to a friend of mine who attended Coral Ridge Presbyterian. I told her that he seemed "unbalanced" in his teachings. He's always talking about grace. It almost made me mad because I wanted to believe that what he was saying was true, but I doubted. In my heart I never felt like I was measuring up as a Christian after all these years. I couldn't understand why I always had some of the same struggles and why it seemed to me that everyone else around me had it all together but I didn't. I was getting physically sicker, I had to leave my profession due to my illness, my kids were going off in different directions and I was often told that it was because of what I was or was not doing. At one point I was even told by a Christian sister that my young adult child needed a curfew. I was also told by yet another sister to never speak the words Multiple Sclerosis because I was "claiming it".  I just couldn't control my life and make it better. I didn't want the burden of trying to be God anymore. Enter Pastor Tullian's books, Jesus + Nothing = Everything, Glorious Ruin and eventually One Way Love. The chains were beginning to fall off of me...I could breathe again. 

After praying for the last 3-4 years about seeking a new home church, God answered our prayers. Because of my MS, I am not that mobile due to chronic dizziness and autonomic dysfunction. We had begun to watch church on-line and one Sunday I randomly decided to turn on Coral Ridge instead of our former church. Pastor Tullian started his series on Romans that very day. I was hooked from that day forward. Everything about the experience made me want more, the worship, the message and the gospel being preached in a way that made my spirit re-awaken. I felt like a starved person getting a free meal at an endless buffet.  After watching on-line a few times, I took a screen shot of some of the lyrics to the song "From the Depths of Woe". I just had to hear that song again. Kenny searched for it and found it on-line and he ended up downloading it onto his computer. I walked in his office one day and it was playing through the speakers. I said, "that's the song I fell in love with!". I couldn't listen to it without weeping every time. From that day on, I told Kenny that no matter how bad I felt physically, I had to get to Coral Ridge Presbyterian to experience it live and in person. 

Our very first time attending, Zac Hicks and the worship band played that very song. Without sounding like I'm over spiritualizing, I felt like God had said to me, "this is your new home and church family". We never looked back and God has kept me well enough to attend every Sunday since. We heard about the New Member Meeting and we were determined to go. Little did I know that right before the meeting, after having MS for over 12 years, I would go completely blind in my right eye. I had to do a 5 day course of IV Solu-Medrol which makes me feel like absolute death when I come off the drug. The New Member Meeting was held on a day when I felt my absolute worst physically. I felt like I should have been driven to the hospital instead of the New Member Meeting but I was just so determined to be there. I had my bad eye covered like a pirate so I could see better out of my good eye. As Pastor Tullian was listening to everyone's testimonies in the room, my heart was racing because it dawned on me right at that very moment that God had allowed me to go blind physically yet spiritually, I could see better than I ever had before! I have so much gratitude & thankfulness for Pastor Tullian's passion to deliver the true message of the Gospel in all it's fullness to ALL who will listen. I felt compelled to thank him for the huge part that he played in my life as he helped to set yet another captive free!  I told him that I was blind but now I see!!! New light has been brought to the words of my Savior...

Luke 4:18-19 English Standard Version (ESV)

18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,

    because he has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives

    and recovering of sight to the blind,

    to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.”

Dysautonomia added to the list...

Psalm 46:1

New King James Version (NKJV)

46 God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

My life has once again been changed, A LOT. A new word has been added to my vocabulary, Dysautonomia. In particular, POTS, which stands for postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. It's when one has dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system which messes with one's ability to maintain a normal blood pressure and heart rate upon standing. In between these episodes, which are a regular part of my day, I have heart palpitations, mild chest discomfort, jittery & shakiness, shortness of breath and just an overall unwell yucky feeling. I have seen my General Practitioner, my MS Neurologist and a Cardiac Electro Physiologist. They all seem to concur that this is my diagnosis. Whether or not it's a stand alone disorder or if it's actually caused by my MS seems to be a bit of a mystery, but regardless, it is treated the same. I'm currently taking some medications to help alleviate the debilitating symptoms. I've started taking a new beta blocker called Metoprolol and also a drug called Midodrine that helps stabilize my blood pressure. It has been a fine balancing act of trying to take these medications in a way that helps relieve some of the relentless 24/7 symptoms that I experience. When the meds start to wear off, I'm at square one. It has been like climbing a mountain daily. This is all on top of my MS symptoms. Only God could get me through my days. The reality of my daily sufferings and continuing to be a wife and mom can be very overwhelming. My abilities are decreasing once again which tends to be par for the course with Multiple Sclerosis. In an effort to draw closer to The Lord, I have been taking a fast from social media. It has been very freeing in that my OCD-like obsession to scroll through the entire newsfeed has been broken. This has freed up my day for more bible reading, book reading, devotion reading, listening to teachings and journaling my prayers. This I feel is more of what I would like to accomplish with my time. God is my refuge and my strength. He is my very present help in my time of trouble. He is the Living God. No different than the Living God we read about in our bibles. He's the same yesterday, today and forever. If I am feeling distress, I cry out to Him. He hears my cries and knows my pain. He comforts me. He reminds me through His Word that this is all temporary and that He loves me and won't ever forsake me. I don't enjoy living with MS and now Dysautonomia, but I can definitely see His fingerprint on my life as I strive to know Him more daily in my walk (which is now closer to a crawl at this point). Who else is going to understand the depth of my pain? No human could ever fill the need I have to be understood completely. He knows my frame. He knows every hair on my head. Nothing comes my way that He doesn't already know about. I can rest in that. It gives me peace in the midst of my trials, which are many....

Love Your Enemies...

Matthew 5:43-46

English Standard Version (ESV)

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?

Last night Kenny and I had "date night". We haven't really had a date night in quite a while. Our normal Friday night date night routine had turned into Kenny going through the drive-thru at Pollo Tropical because I have felt too unwell to cook or to go out for dinner. My latest ailment (dysautonomia) added to my long list of ailments has been drastic fluctuations in blood pressure and an increased heart rate that have brought me to the point of feeling like a limp wet noodle on the verge of passing out almost daily. The cardiac specialist has adjusted my meds and my body is trying to behave so that I am able to function at least a little bit. 

Well, back to date night. We went out for dinner and afterwards we went for some frozen yogurt. We sat outside to enjoy the cooler temperatures. There were some rowdy, loud, vulgar mouthed young men walking back and forth along where we were sitting. I started getting chilly so Kenny left me momentarily to get my sweater out of the car. While he was gone, the young men walked past me again and were intentionally using extremely vulgar language in what seemed like a plot to get a reaction from me. I kept my thoughts to myself, kept my eyes looking downward and away from them and I ignored them. Inside my head, my mind was racing. I had so many thoughts running through my brain. I actually felt quite vulnerable and was scared they may try to mess with me somehow.  I felt such anger about their behavior and also a deep sadness that these kids were so incredibly disrespectful in the company of the adults around them. My flesh wanted to rise up and tell them what I thought about their vulgar language but I could actually sense the danger if I were to do so. Kenny returned with my sweater and I told him about the vulgarity that he missed while he was gone. We continued to hear their loud rants going on behind us. While leaving and walking to our car, we had to walk past them. One of the kid's yelled out to me, "nice stick!", referring to my cane. I honestly couldn't believe a young man could be that rude, cold and heartless to a middle aged woman like myself. I thank God for my husband's self control because the scene could have gotten ugly. 

This brings me to the verse above. To be honest, I wanted to take "my stick" and knock the kid silly. I actually was struggling with how to respond to him and lifted up a quick prayer for wisdom and self control. I looked at my husband and told him how I literally felt like beating the kid with my cane. As we got in the car and I thought about the entire situation I could tell that I was being put in a position to "love my enemy". My heart began to soften a bit and I actually regretted not doing something "radical" like hugging him. That could have turned out really ugly too. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?". Yes, I needed to do what I did. I exercised self control and I prayed for those young men. I continue today to keep them in prayer along with the entire generation of youth. Not all young people act or behave this way obviously, but for the ones that do, I pray for them. I'm grateful that no one decided to play the "knock out game" with us and I'm also thankful that my husband and I know Jesus. I pray those young men will meet Him too before He comes back as Judge....He is definitely returning! 

Revelation 3:11

English Standard Version (ESV)

11 I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown.

Free Pastor Saeed

Hebrews 13:3

New King James Version (NKJV)

3 Remember the prisoners as if chained with them—those who are mistreated—since you yourselves are in the body also.

I haven't blogged in a while but when I heard about an event that is spreading like wildfire through our social media outlets, I knew that even I could be used as a tool to help spread the word about Pastor Saeed Abedini, an American Pastor who has been imprisoned in Iran soley for being a Christian for well over a year now.  Just one person can make a difference and this is my attempt to do so. Even one prayer lifted up in faith to our Great and Mighty God is powerful. Just think about the power of countless prayers lifted up in faith by many of His saints! 

The story of Pastor Saeed has opened my eyes to the growing rate of persecution of the church and the body of Christ both here at home and across the world.  I have tried to envision myself in the position of Naghmeh Abedini, Pastor Saeed's wife and I wonder what I would do if it were me in her situation. Her husband left the comforts of their home here in the United States to go and start an orphanage in his homeland, Iran and ended up being arrested and thrown into the notorious Evin Prison with an 8 year sentence simply because of his Christian faith. He has been imprisoned for over a year now and has suffered severe physical and mental abuse at the hands of his captors. He has recently been transferred to Rajaei Shahr, an even deadlier prison, where he is surrounded by extremely dangerous inmates that are mostly made up of rapists and murderers. His overall health is continuing to decline rapidly. 

Naghmeh lives in Idaho with their two young children. When I think about her, I often wonder what I would do if I were in her situation. Who would I turn to? Who would care? Who would help? After my initial shock, I would be pleading and praying to God for my husband's release, I would be going to my church family, all of my friends and acquaintances, and maybe even the national television networks to get my story told. I would fight and do whatever it takes to get my husband back home safely. These are just a few of the many things that Naghmeh has been doing. 

Now is our chance to help. Today is an opportunity for all of our voices to be heard. We long to see Pastor Saeed set free as well as any other Americans who are being detained and imprisoned based soley on their faith alone. We trust in God's sovereignty yet we know that we can be used by God and our prayers are powerful.

If you would, please take time today to pray for Pastor Saeed, his wife Naghmeh and their two children as well as all of our persecuted brothers and sisters in Christ. Our prayer today is to flood social media with Pastor Saeed's story and to bring to light the injustice of this horrific situation.  If you feel led to help get the word out, please use the following hashtags  #savesaeed & #freesaeed on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and any other social media outlet that you use today and any day going forward. Also pray that the President of the United States of America and the entire Administration would work diligently to bring Pastor Saeed and all other Americans being detained and imprisoned soley for their religious beliefs home. 

Thank you for reading this and I am looking forward to seeing our prayers answered according to God's perfect will. 

Hebrews 4:16

New King James Version (NKJV)

16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

My Stream in the Desert

Isaiah 43:18-19

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 “Do not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert.

This verse is speaking volumes to me today. I am in a desert. It may be a temporary relapse but I certainly feel parched in this dry land I am in. I am hurting, in physical pain and discomfort. I want to look back and remember feeling well but I know that I must keep moving forward. As I lay in bed and feel like my legs are heavy weights with magnets, it feels like a huge magnet is underneath my bed pulling and keeping me down. I fear that this disease is catching up with me and every day lately I wonder, will this be the last day that I walk? Not a far fetched question to ponder when you have lived with Multiple Sclerosis for over 11 years and little by little your brain and spinal cord are being eaten away at. When the wrong words come out of my mouth and I have to ask, "did I say that?", when I forget what I'm thinking in the middle of thinking, or forget what I'm saying in the middle of saying something, when my hands randomly drop something and it crashes to the floor, when I can't manage to move at all without increasing my dizziness, when my arms are tingling from folding warm laundry, when my back just aches and my strength is declining... I can't help but think that satan has asked whether he can sift me like wheat. I desire to cling to my Savior and remember the cross. He understands every single little twinge of pain and the deep feelings of being isolated. There isn't a single thing that my Lord doesn't understand about my personal situation. I am isolated in that many of my friends with MS cannot comprehend being dizzy 24/7. My dizzy friends with vestibular disorders can't comprehend having all of the MS symptoms on top of the dizziness. I call it my "combination platter". If I allow myself to feel like I have things worse than anyone one else, it puts me in a place where I could become bitter. May that never be. I turn to my Savior and ask Him to let His grace be sufficient for me this day. Let His empty tomb be a reminder that this will end well in due time. A new thing is happening. I don't know all the details but I trust what He has said to me today through His Word. He will make a road through my wilderness and a river or stream through my desert...God is good, all the time. 

In the cleft of the rock...

Exodus 33:22

New King James Version (NKJV)

22 So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by.

This is one of my favorite verses. I'm not sure why but I just love to picture this scene. Sometimes I feel like God has placed me in the cleft of the rock. I am hidden and isolated as the world goes by and the people around me are participating in everyday life. I am on the sideline, yet I have joy knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be. He blesses me with just enough glimpses of His glory to confirm that I am where He wants me and in His will. I haven't blogged in quite a while and honestly, I haven't had the desire to. The past few days I have been flooded in my spirit with joy. I still feel physically awful and weak but my spirit is soaring for some strange reason. After saying goodbye to one of our friends who moved home to heaven, the sadness was overwhelming yet it has caused more anticipation about my final destination. To be present with The Lord! 

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that said, "don't miss your ministry because of your misery". Something just clicked. Not that I didn't already know that The Lord would use my Multiple Sclerosis to minister to others, but my eyes were opened to something new. I realized that I have tried to work around my MS and even minimize it. It has taken over too much space in my central nervous system to hide or ignore anymore. It is taking over my physical body but, there are some things that MS cannot steal from me. It cannot steal my salvation, my hope, my eternal home. Things are going south in many ways healthwise but I will be making a complete u-turn when God calls me home. This life is not the end. The end we experience here, also known as death, will be the doorway to eternity. Heaven or hell forever. Praise God for sending Jesus to die for us...a sinful people. Placing your trust in Him for salvation, repenting of your sin and yielding to His Holy Spirit can save you from eternal damnation.  Although my circumstances are not great and I can be pretty sure that my health will continue to decline based upon the nature of the beast, I am still able to live with the confident hope of ridding myself of this "tent" and being free from sin, disease and death! What a splendid time it will be! Praise be to God!

2 Corinthians 5:1-5

New King James Version

5 For we know that if our earthly house,this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven,3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are inthis tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

The days are challenging, yet His grace IS sufficient...

2 Corinthians 12:9

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I'm not going to candy coat this entry because I have a habit of doing that exact thing. I tend to sugar coat this awful disease at times because of the strong focus I have on my eternal future in heaven and I also don't want to come across as a whiner or complainer. I certainly am aware that there are other people with greater struggles than mine that I do not want to minimize in any way whatsoever. 

I am beginning to realize that I don't allow myself to express how I feel about the way Multiple Sclerosis is affecting my body and in turn, my life. The problem with that may be that I am setting myself up for a state of "existing" as opposed to actually "living". There is an old saying that goes... “Don't be so heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good". 

I don't want to post a blog of moaning or complaining because honestly, who wants to read that? I will say though, that Multiple Sclerosis is a devastating disease on so many levels because of the endless symptoms and because there quite often are no body parts that are spared from it's path of destruction. Your brain and spinal cord control your entire body. Permanent damage to areas of your brain is actually considered "brain damage". That can be a hard pill to swallow. Some of my symptoms have been around since I first started having them over 12 years ago. They have just become part of my new norm over the years. I keep picking up new symptoms along my path almost daily that become additions to the pain and discomfort of living with MS. The worst of all symptoms is by far the dreaded vertigo. It is no longer just a fast spin that awakes me from a deep sleep. Now I also get a slow motion partial spin while upright and the sensation that I'm falling in a pit or being sucked down a drain every time I lay down. 

I mentioned on Facebook fairly recently about a "meltdown" that I recently experienced at our MS bible group. It was an evening surrounded with some of our closest friends that also have MS. One of my friends had me re-read something that I had shared with her during a recent phone conversation that was from a post that I had read on Facebook. The question that was posed on Facebook to the MS community was something to the effect of, "how do you describe what MS is to people in just a few minutes?". I had half jokingly responded by saying that I find it easier to tell people to just "Google it". But one gentleman's response was jaw dropping to me. What was so weird about his response was how it struck me to the core of my being. He described how he would have the person literally step into his body. He talked about how the person's initial reaction would be complete shock. The next reaction would be the person screaming, cursing and crying. Lastly, the person would be on their knees begging for him to take his disease back. I found that so compelling. My friend had me read this to our group and as I did, the well of emotion came pouring out of me by way of tears spilling down my face. I honestly wanted to just sob but I still felt like I had to exercise control over my emotions. I have quite often mentioned to my husband, Kenny and my daughter, Amanda that I would just like someone to actually experience my body for a few minutes. I just feel like it would be an eye opener. I know that other people must experience this desire to be completely understood by their loved ones. 

That night was life changing for me and for all of my friends who witnessed my "cathartic moment". It made everyone realize that although we have the hope of our eternal destiny with The Lord, we are still fragile, hurting and unwell people who need to get through our long days moment by moment. One of my friends there that evening said, "but you're always smiling!". I realized that through my pain and discomfort The Lord still blesses me with the ability to smile a genuine smile. I see that as a gift from God.  Another thing that I do want to stress is that, just because your unwell loved one is smiling, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are feeling great or even good at all. I truly believe that God gives me all that I need in every moment of my life with Him. His grace IS sufficient for each and every moment of my life. The truth is that it doesn't always feel like it is, but I hold on to the biblical truth that it IS sufficient for me and it always will be. 

Today my hands feel like my feet. They are becoming more numb (feels like bubble wrap is wrapped around them) and my dexterity is declining. Just another symptom that I may or may not have to endure for the rest of my life. How do I live like this? I do not have a choice, but I do have the ability to choose how I will respond to my difficulties. I don't always respond well, but when I do, it usually involves prayer, bible reading, devotions and lots of love from my God, my family and my friends. As time goes by, I am realizing that I need to share sometimes with the people closest to me what is going on inside my body and the thoughts that coincide. I don't expect answers or even a reaction. I just need someone to really listen sometimes because this is getting harder day by day...

Lisa

Proverbs 18:24a

New King James Version (NKJV)

24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly,[a]

I have a friend. Her name is Lisa. She was literally my very first BFF. When my family moved into the home in which my parents still reside, I didn't have a real friend in the world. Lisa and her family lived a few houses down. Honestly, I can't even remember our first meeting. I'm sure she does though. She has the best memory of anyone I've ever met. As soon as we met, we became instant friends. We were the same age and in the same grade in school which was middle school at the time. We lived through our "80's feathered back hair" days and our "jeans are so tight we have to lay down on a bed to zip them up" days. We also had our "cowboy hat" days and our "hang out at the bowling alley" days. Who could forget our "doing sign language across the hall in school" days and the "sunburn our faces and Sun-In our hair" days.  The list goes on and on. Some of the list I would rather forget, but the bottom line is that I wouldn't trade my memories with Lisa for anything. 

Lisa was born with completely normal hearing. A complication at birth caused damage to her inner ears causing severe hearing impairment and the need to wear a hearing aide. I always looked up to my friend who NEVER let her hearing loss stop her from being who she was or doing anything she desired to do. 

Fast forward to today. I have MS and my most debilitating symptoms are vestibular in nature. Lisa is watching me deal with my own physical ailments now and we both share something amazing in common... A friendship that has stood the test of time. We have experienced so many trials in our lives but nothing has ever stopped Lisa from keeping our small tight knit group of childhood friends together. She is most certainly the glue that keeps us all together. 

I so appreciate all of the many friendships that I have made over the years but there will always be a special place in my heart for who I still affectionately call Lisa Nockowitz (although she has been Lisa Hutcherson for 25 years now). I love you my friend... 

Delayed Gratification

Romans 8:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

The words "delayed gratification" have been swirling around in my head a lot lately. I have SO much to look forward to, eternal life ahead of me! Sometimes I feel as if my life here on earth is closing in on me. I have become more immobile, a bit isolated and quite uncomfortable most of my days because of Multiple Sclerosis. If I allow myself to dwell on my discomfort, it overwhelms me. I begin to consider my age and how many years I could potentially have to suffer through life with this dreadful disease and it's ravaging effects. I've already endured MS for over 11 years. That's a long time to "not feel well". Just some honest thoughts... 

When I look around me, I see many different scenarios. I see friends hanging on to dear life while fighting terminal illnesses, I see people biding their time until they can see their departed loved ones again, I see friends struggling in their marriages, finances and a multitude of other major life trials. Then I think about our future. My future and the future of my brothers and sisters that have placed their trust and their very lives in our Savior, Jesus. We have Him to look forward to! It's just a matter of time until we see Him face to face. Our day of death will certainly arrive and until then, we need to occupy our time here as He has instructed us. It's a win win situation. We can't lose if we remain in His will. If we go through difficult times or even times that seem completely unbearable, He is not only aware of our circumstances, He is with us through them. He never leaves or forsakes us! We need to hang on to Him for dear life because HE IS OUR LIFE. I think that "delaying gratification" may be a psychological term but it is applicable to what we need to do here on earth. Our rewards are to come and all we need to do is be obedient to what He calls us to do. Writing this blog today was what He asked me to do. So here it is. Will you listen to His voice today? He will never put us to shame...

Romans 10:11

New King James Version (NKJV)

11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”

Longsuffering in marriage...

1 Corinthians 13:4

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Kenny actually bought me this Precious Moments "I love you" figurine before we were married. I LOVED it!!! My heart leapt for joy when I received it as a gift. This weekend he told me that he loves me, but it sounded different than what I am used to hearing. It sounded heartfelt and less "routine". I'm not accusing my wonderful husband of not saying " I love you" properly but as we all know, after many years of saying those words to each other, it may begin to sound or even feel routine. 

Saturday I woke up and wanted to get out of the house. Since I'm not driving, I needed Kenny to drive us to Publix to get food for the week. When we got in the car, he asked where we were going. I said, "I guess to Publix".  I think he had something a little more exciting in mind other than going to the grocery store but he yielded to what we "needed" to get done instead of what would have been more enjoyable (like a trip to Jaxson's for lunch and ice cream). When I saw a glimpse of disappointment on his face, it stirred up emotions in me of feeling helpless...

Two years ago I was working, driving, going grocery shopping, serving at church, getting my hair & nails done, and just bopping around living my life. Things are very different now. Kenny could see the wheels spinning in my head by the look on my face. He immediately tried to make peace and reel me back in. He understood my frustration. By nature he is patient and a peacemaker. Sometimes we both need to vent a little. This life with MS can really stink terribly. Yes, my moods waver with what I'm feeling physically, but honestly my faith isn't shaken. I just long for a healed body and I'm like a kid waiting to go to Disney World as I anticipate heaven. It WILL happen one day but until then, we are only required to live one day at a time. Sunday we discussed our feelings from the day before. They were real. We didn't sweep them under the rug so they could jump out at some inopportune time creating unnecessary bitterness or useless bickering. A little insight into my husband's feelings and hearing him say "I love you" took on so much more meaning after listening to what was on his heart.  He reassured me that he's in this marriage for the long haul. Its exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. That is love...this is longsuffering...

Was it worth it?

Psalm 18:6

New King James Version (NKJV)

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

And cried out to my God;

He heard my voice from His temple,

And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.

The past two days have been rough. As some of you know from Facebook, Kenny and I went to the beach on Saturday. We stayed for only an hour. It felt so good to be sitting there in a beach chair on the sand and looking out at the ocean. Breathing in fresh ocean air was exhilarating.  I honestly don't remember the last time we actually went to the beach. We have gone and sat on a bench, but we hadn't actually gone to the beach for quite some time. After only one hour, my body knew it was time to leave. The rest of the day we spent together enjoying each other's company. We went to the grocery store, Starbucks for some coffee and came home and swam in our pool. It was a very full day for me.  The following morning (Sunday) I got in our pool again and moved around on a "noodle" that Kenny picked up for me at the pool store. I had two active days in a row! 

Then came Monday and Tuesday.... I was literally in bed ALL day, both days, barely able to move or function.  I'm not sure about when I last felt so completely drained like that. There are no words to describe that type of painful fatigue. I woke up exhausted and that heavy lead feeling never left me. I was pleading for God to lift it from me.  Over the years, I have been blessed with fairly decent energy for someone with MS. The past few days though, I was unable to do anything. Taking a shower landed me in bed. Even thinking was difficult. I had a taste of the debilitating MS fatigue that so many people suffer through daily. I have to admit, it was frightening. If I were to continue on that track, I would basically be bedridden...

Today is a new day though. I'm glad that I listened to my body and slept all day long for two days straight. It has paid off. Although I am still quite fatigued, I am feeling more energy today. I was texting a friend of mine yesterday who also has health issues, and I asked her if she thought that "going for it" when you're feeling well is worth it or would it have been better to skip the busy beach day? She thought that a day of enjoyment was well worth the harsh consequences. I suppose I agree somewhat, but I'm not sure that I'll be going to the beach again any time soon. Well, I don't think so anyway....

Who are you?

1 Corinthians 12:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased.

Yesterday, while having a talk with my daughter Amanda, I mentioned to her that it doesn't matter to me "what you become" but "who you become". What one does to earn a living does not define who they are. Belonging to The Lord Jesus Christ is the ONLY thing that truly matters. Such a complex yet simple truth. This life can literally strip us of all our worldly goods, loved ones, health....if that were to happen to you, would you know who you are in Christ? Could you see beyond being stripped of all your earthly possessions?

It's been two years since I left the working world. I don't look back. I can't say that it wasn't difficult to part with my licenses that I worked hard to get, but I CAN say that I press forward on to my upward call in Christ from my couch. God in His amazing ways is able to use any of us no matter where we are physically or what our circumstances look like. No matter how bleak things may appear, I still have my place in His kingdom and in the body of believers. 

I've been unable to serve physically in church for a while now, but that doesn't mean I have stopped serving God. He has strategically placed me exactly where He wants me. My life is not just a random "series of unfortunate events". 

I continue to pray to be in God's will, I can trust that I am exactly where He would have me. Some may look on and feel pity for me, but don't. Things may look bad on the outside at times and things may continue to worsen in appearance, but I believe every word of the bible and I know that I have a grand future ahead of me. Anyone who has placed their complete trust in Jesus for their salvation can say the same. If you haven't done that yet, He is just a prayer away. Ask Him today to cleanse you of all iniquity and He is faithful and just to do so. Resting in Him is peace and joy, even in the midst of terrible adversity... 

1 John 1:9

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Always making adjustments...

Matthew 6:34

New King James Version (NKJV)

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

As my days go by and my MS progresses, there are times when my only goal for the day is a shower. I do have some more constructive days where I actually accomplish some tasks (chores, crafts, cooking...). I have been taking naps almost every day lately and I am allowing myself to do so without listening to "the voices in my head" that tell me that I'm being lazy. Since God created me, I will always have my very own place in this world regardless of what this nasty disease called MS does to me.  No one else can be me. (I don't think anyone would want to be anyway, lol). I know that I often put pressure on myself to do more and sometimes that is a good thing, but sometimes my limitations need to be dealt with by resting. I am getting better at listening to the needs of my body. I have learned that it's ok to say no sometimes. Quite often I will find myself, like many of you do, where I am being pulled from every direction to do this or to do that. I am learning to do what I need to do in this unpredictable life with MS and that is "to just roll with it". If I am able to do whatever it is, great! If not, I will move forward and not look back. Being that I never have symptom free days anymore, like I did early on in my disease course, I have to adjust my daily routine as needed. If my hair goes unwashed an extra day, well so be it. A chronic disease can teach one a lot about what is important and what is not. I do what I am able to do when I can and I take the time to rest when I'm unable to do certain things. My favorite saying lately is, "it is what it is". That is true. No matter what my future holds, God is unchanging. Focusing on the "what ifs" have never been productive for me or anyone else that I know. More often than not, they don't happen. Crossing each bridge as I get to it is a much better plan. Today I polished my fingernails blue. I had Amanda pick a color for me. It would have never been my choice but hey, I'm mixing it up a bit today! Live for today and in each moment.   Enjoy every detail of your life. For in the blink of an eye, our life as we know it could change in a very unexpected way...we need to love each other passionately and extend grace to each other as well. Isn't that what Christ has done for us?

It isn't over till it's over...

2 Timothy 4:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I just read a devotion that used basketball as an analogy to life. It brought to mind game 6 of the NBA Finals series that I watched the other night with Kenny. Towards the end of the game it began to look hopeless for the Miami Heat. So hopeless in fact that many of the fans actually got up and left the game only to learn that they missed a great over-time and their team WON! I remember talking to God during that exciting game and wondering which team had more people praying for a win. I was going to be one of those fans who was praying. I'm not saying that the HEAT won because of my prayers or anyone else's (only God knows), but it made me realize that we as believers should NEVER be tempted to lose hope in this life no matter how terrible things are looking or feeling. I often wonder why The Lord allows me to suffer daily with dizziness, nausea, vertigo and the buffet of symptoms that this disease (MS) has to offer. My life seems surreal to me at times. This blog today is a reminder to myself and for all those who have put their complete trust in The Lord Jesus for their salvation that, "IT ISN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER!!!" None of God's children will lose!!! We need to hang on to Him and His promises during this crazy thing called life no matter how bad our circumstances appear. We know that the end result will be perfect. We have a big win waiting for us when we meet our Creator face to face after our race to the finish line is over! In the mean time, we need to be patient and wait on The Lord! 

Tonight the HEAT may win a championship or forfeit it to their opponent, but what I learned from game 6 is to never lose hope in the midst of our trying circumstances...

Harvey

Colossians 3:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

A picture today of our friend Harvey Gordon laying in his hospital bed led me to think about the bond we have as brothers and sisters in The Lord. I will never forget the day that Kenny and I bumped into Harvey, his beautiful wife Nanette and their adorable son Cristopher at the mall a few months ago. It was a big day out for both of us, as we have both been going through many health struggles. Something unique stood out to me that day at the mall. It can be summed up in one word, "kindness". Harvey stopped what he was doing and although he was and still is, going through an extremely rough trial in the form of leukemia, he took the time to comfort ME that day.  This reminded me very much of Jesus.   One of the things that made me realize that this man is "set apart", was the way he squatted down to my level as I sat in a chair while he was speaking to me. My dizziness and vertigo make it difficult for me to tilt my head to look up or turn sideways. I find myself struggling to hold conversations with people especially while sitting or when I'm in my wheelchair. People have the tendency to stand directly in front of me which causes me to lift my head up making me dizzy and nauseated. I would never tell anyone to squat down to speak with me, but Harvey did exactly that. It seems so trivial but obviously it meant a lot to me personally.  That was just one of the many qualities about him that stuck out to me that day. We discussed different things such as some of the changes that we were making to our diets. Harvey also had a verse to share with me that The Lord had laid upon his heart...

Job 10:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

12 You have granted me life and favor,

And Your care has preserved my spirit.

Sometimes God blesses us with a special connection with others who know and understand true sufferings through their life's circumstances. It's a club that none of us would choose to be a part of, but we accept what The Lord has allowed in our lives and choose to see His goodness in the midst of these circumstances. 

I'm asking anyone reading this blog entry to please keep my brother in Christ, Harvey, his wife Nanette and their precious little boy lifted up in prayer. Please join me in praying for God's healing, His strength to endure this fight and the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding that comes from God alone...

I also want to mention that Harvey is in need of a bone marrow transplant. If God so lays it on your heart to be tested to see if you're a match, please visit "Be The Match" on-line http://m.marrow.org/ for more information on how you can be tested to help give Harvey, or even someone else, a new lease on life...

*Harvey went home to be with our Savior on August 27, 2013. Please keep Nanette and Cristopher in your prayers...

Love suffers long and is kind...

1 Corinthians 13:4

New King James Version (NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

The thoughts I had yesterday about my husband "suffering long" started most recently by another miserable bout of vertigo that started last Tuesday and ended with a broken part on my iPhone this weekend. My husband made an appointment at the Apple store to get it either fixed or replaced. Not a simple task for a gal that saves EVERYTHING on her phone. I have literally thousands of pictures, texts, notes, my journal....all on my phone. It turned out to be an ALL day event for my husband. Getting my old stuff backed up on our computer and getting my new phone in the order in which I like it was a daunting task for my poor husband. He knows how I am and I know how patient he is...

Being the "sick one" from the outside looking in can seem like the worst case scenario in a marriage. I don't agree with that though... I believe that being the spouse of the "sick" loved one is by far even more difficult. It is a very heavy load to bear.  This weekend God laid it on my heart to stop for a moment and think about what it would feel like to be in my husband's shoes. I thought about how helpless I would feel if the tables were turned. The feeling of not being able to remove my spouses pain and suffering. I thought about all of my husband's dashed dreams instead of just mine. I thought about the sacrificial way he devotes all of his time and love to me and our family every single day and NEVER complains. I thought about the way The Lord has given him this cross to bear for reasons that I can't understand. I thought about how selfish I can be by not expressing my gratitude for every kind gesture he exhibits towards me no matter how big or how small. I pray that God will continue to open my eyes as to how "my" illness is "our" cross to bear as a couple. It's not just "my burden". 

The "sick" spouse is quite often blessed with prayer, cards, notes, texts and messages of encouragement on a regular basis. What does the "healthy" spouse (caregiver) receive? 

My husband continues to work full time to provide for our family and every other waking moment of his life is devoted to caring for me, getting stuff done around the house, whether it's going from store to store to do the shopping, maintaining our home (inside & out), the vehicles, the pets... He doesn't receive accolades from the world (nor does he care to). I am comforted knowing that God sees EVERY single kind thought, action and deed that he does. His reward will be great in the Kingdom of God. I'm not writing this to rob him of his reward, but I am writing this so others will realize that although MS and other illnesses have dashed the dreams of many "sick ones", it has done the same or worse to our spouses (caregivers). We need to be lifting them up in prayer, reaching out to get them the help that they need and acknowledging them with our kind thoughts, actions and deeds as well. Sickness is not an excuse to not thank the ones we love for their selflessness. 

I love you Kenny Valentine....thank you for taking care of me in every way imaginable. From washing my face with a wet washcloth while getting sick to my stomach from vertigo, to fixing this picky girl's iPhone. Nothing you do is in vain. I see MOST of it, but God sees it ALL. 

1 Samuel 16:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord has shut me in but He is with me...

Genesis 7:16

New King James Version (NKJV)

16 So those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him; and the Lord shut him in.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream where I was spinning. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a dream. It was real too. The big "V" (Vertigo) has returned. There is nothing worse than chronic vertigo. I've said it before and I'll say it again, vertigo stinks! I am unable to function at all when I have theses episodes. They are completely debilitating. My eyes jump around and I don't know which way is up. I'm spinning and unable to control my body. The nausea I would equate with a bad day on the water while deep sea fishing. The vomiting is similar to severe morning sickness or food poisoning. If you put all these together, you come up with a miserable person who can't believe that a human body can be so cruel. Kenny, my wonderful husband and Amanda, my awesome daughter are like a machine. Everyone picks up where I leave off. I am literally couch bound 24/7 and get up with assistance only to use the bathroom. Those bars Kenny installed sure do come in handy. Falling off the toilet would be terrible! I'm so blessed in the midst of this nightmare. My husband cares for me and puts his needs last. He is patient and loving in the midst of my times of sadness and bordering despair. Today he read me some devotions, as it is difficult for me to read with nystagmus and double vision. He read about God shutting the door Himself to the ark. It seems that God has shut me in for another season, but He is with me. If you have prayed for me, I thank you. I also thank my friends and family for the texts, messages, e-mails and calls. It has been difficult to keep up with responding so I am blogging now to thank each and every one of you for blessing me and my family with your prayers, words of encouragement and love. It is the best medicine of all! Talk to you all again after this miserable Vertigo nightmare leaves. I pray it doesn't last long, but not my will be done, but His...

Funny how we remember things...

Psalm 118:24

New King James Version (NKJV)

24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.

As I was looking at some old pictures of a trip Kenny and I took in 2004 to Colorado, I realized that every moment of every day we are making memories. The weird thing is, that while I was looking at the old pictures, a few things crossed my mind. My hair was blonde, thicker, shiny and pretty. I also looked fit and slender.  Back when the pictures were taken, I'm sure that "in my mind" I thought I looked ugly that day. I also look at the pictures and think about the fond memories of our adventures in Colorado. The truth is that I was in the middle of a bad MS relapse and had just done a round of Solu-Medrol prior to leaving on the trip. It's funny how when we look back, we do remember some of the bad, but the good memories take precedence. The lesson of the day for me is to see the good NOW, in the midst of the hardships, because down the road when I'm flipping through pictures from today, I will wish that I had appreciated everything and everyone currently in my life....