Facades...

Romans 7:14-25
New King James Version (NKJV)
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
The Apostle Paul

Yesterday was an awful day physically. It was a "couch day". It was one of those days that I am literally unable to move much at all without severe dizziness that is nauseating and imbalance that can knock me off my feet with a sudden turn. It was one of the worse days I've had in a very long time. The culprit I believe was laying on my back for a CT scan the day before yesterday. I have been unable to lay on my back or my right side for at least 4 years, maybe longer. I have slept on my left side only all this time. Normally, when having MRI's, I will need to take medication. Since the CT scan wasn't nearly as long as an MRI, I thought I could stick it out. Well, I did stick it out but was feeling like death for the remainder of the day and all of the following day, which was yesterday. This is how life rolls for me. One day I'm posting pictures of a smiling me on Facebook, and the very next day I'm too sick to smile or move.

While we were away I didn't go on Facebook as much as I normally do because I was out of the house and keeping busy. One of the times that I did check it, I saw a few words that literally took my breath away...Sad, Annette, Died.... A few weeks ago I decided to re-watch some videos of Annette Funicello that her husband had allowed to be shown of her most recent condition. She looked nothing like the Annette we all remembered from her "Beach Blanket Bingo" days. Multiple Sclerosis had ravaged her body. Some would ask, "why would you torture yourself by watching those videos?", but I had to see what this hideous disease had done to her. Quite often as people, when we get sicker and sicker, we tend to go away and retreat out of the public eye. After watching these videos again, I cried. I put Annette on my prayer list and added one of her Facebook pages as another reminder for me to pray for her. While we were driving to Ohio, I learned on Facebook that she had died. I didn't expect to see that she passed away. I cried. My heart was heavy. I pray she knew The Lord Jesus.

I couldn't help but to fast forward my own life and my MS and see myself in a similar situation as Annette on the sooner side of things. After all, this month marks 11 years of living with MS for me. That's how I tend to be. I can't help but to anticipate the worst. How can I stop my mind from traveling that road? Well, for me, I remind myself that no matter how grave things may look or how bad they actually get here on earth, this is not the end. There is a place reserved for me in heaven. All I need to do is continue to place my faith and my trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ. My debt was paid in full and I have received a ticket to go home.

I am looking forward to closing my eyes one day and slipping out of this diseased body of mine. I pray that God would have mercy on me and supply all the grace necessary to finish my race well no matter how many hurdles trip me up. Yesterday was a reminder of how sinful and ugly this body can be. When the feelings of frustration come out and they are manifested by me lashing out at the ones I love, it makes me hate my sin all the more. I changed my profile pic on Facebook the other night and many of my friends "liked" it, BUT my husband and my daughter see the "real me". The no make-up, bad hair, pajamas all day, and my bad attitude when I feel miserable. It doesn't last long usually, but it always rears it's ugly head. Oh how I long for the day that I will be saved from this sinful mind and sickly body! Until then, I will be grateful for the never ending supply of grace that is supplied for me continuously...thank You Jesus!