Psalm 40:1-3
New King James Version (NKJV)
40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
As I wrestled with sleep last night once again, and lay there worrying about my plight, I couldn't stop obsessing over my bad health and what it could mean for me and my family down the road in the future. Since doing a three day round of steroids this week and feeling much worse than I usually do, I was beginning to feel sorry for myself and was starting to slip & slide back down into the miry pit once again.
I'm like an open book when it comes to my life with MS. I don't hide the fact that I have this disease. I would like to think that I am very approachable and I would also like to believe that I have been gifted with the type of compassion that can only come through suffering myself with a chronic debilitating disease but in all honesty, my patience seems to be regressing and in turn, my compassion for others is fading a bit as well. I have a huge desire to tell people about the hope we have in Jesus Christ but I also want to warn people to not take their health for granted. I have taken my own health for granted even while living with MS over the years. Being ill doesn't make one immune to taking certain blessings for granted.
While at my last neurological appointment, my doctor told me about another woman who, like me, is stuck in a body that is spinning (plagued with vertigo). He felt that it might benefit her greatly if she could share her experiences with dizziness and vertigo with someone else who struggles with similar symptoms, that person being me.
I woke up today in "survival mode". I had no true plans of accomplishing anything "meaningful" today. My body is feeling miserable and I was contemplating just sleeping the day away to escape my withdrawal symptoms. My goals for the day were simple. A shower, clean clothes and my bed or the couch for the rest of the day. I had accomplished the shower part when Kenny came into our bedroom and approached me while holding our telephone out towards me with the mute button activated. The screen said "Dr. Steingo" and I assumed they were checking up on me after doing the three days of Solu-Medrol. I said hello and my doctor's assistant asked me how I was doing today, I replied, "I could be better". She proceeded to tell me that she knew I had discussed another patient who is suffering terribly with vertigo and dizziness with Dr. Steingo. She asked me if I would be willing to give this patient a call. I said, "yes! I would love to!" I jotted down her name and number and I also gave the doctor's office permission to give out my number to her or anyone else they felt would benefit from speaking with me.
"Of all the days", I thought to myself. "I feel terrible myself today. How could I ever encourage someone else today?"
I put the woman's name and number aside and thought I'd wait a day or two before calling. Then my thoughts began to drift to some of the most miserable days I've ever experienced in my life. The days that merged into weeks and then months of chronic vertigo that resulted in falls, vomiting, nausea and a complete sense of dread and despair. I lifted up a quick prayer, picked up the phone immediately and dialed the number. A voice on the other end of the line answered. I introduced myself to her and explained how I received her name and number from our mutual doctor. The excitement in her voice stood out to me and it made me realize that my personal experiences have put me in a position to help others. On a grand scale, nothing major happened, yet there was a deep sense of connection between the two us that was deeply expressed and appreciated by the both of us. She felt like someone could finally hear what she was saying. We all have a deep need to be heard and a strong desire to be understood.
Just when I thought that it would be absolutely impossible for me to minister to an ant today, let alone another human being, God had different plans. He used me in the midst of my own storm. I am in awe of my God once again. He not only lifted me out of the miry pit once again, but he used me to help lift another new friend out of her pit too...
Ecclesiastes 4:10
New King James Version (NKJV)
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Facades...
Romans 7:14-25
New King James Version (NKJV)
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
The Apostle Paul
Yesterday was an awful day physically. It was a "couch day". It was one of those days that I am literally unable to move much at all without severe dizziness that is nauseating and imbalance that can knock me off my feet with a sudden turn. It was one of the worse days I've had in a very long time. The culprit I believe was laying on my back for a CT scan the day before yesterday. I have been unable to lay on my back or my right side for at least 4 years, maybe longer. I have slept on my left side only all this time. Normally, when having MRI's, I will need to take medication. Since the CT scan wasn't nearly as long as an MRI, I thought I could stick it out. Well, I did stick it out but was feeling like death for the remainder of the day and all of the following day, which was yesterday. This is how life rolls for me. One day I'm posting pictures of a smiling me on Facebook, and the very next day I'm too sick to smile or move.
While we were away I didn't go on Facebook as much as I normally do because I was out of the house and keeping busy. One of the times that I did check it, I saw a few words that literally took my breath away...Sad, Annette, Died.... A few weeks ago I decided to re-watch some videos of Annette Funicello that her husband had allowed to be shown of her most recent condition. She looked nothing like the Annette we all remembered from her "Beach Blanket Bingo" days. Multiple Sclerosis had ravaged her body. Some would ask, "why would you torture yourself by watching those videos?", but I had to see what this hideous disease had done to her. Quite often as people, when we get sicker and sicker, we tend to go away and retreat out of the public eye. After watching these videos again, I cried. I put Annette on my prayer list and added one of her Facebook pages as another reminder for me to pray for her. While we were driving to Ohio, I learned on Facebook that she had died. I didn't expect to see that she passed away. I cried. My heart was heavy. I pray she knew The Lord Jesus.
I couldn't help but to fast forward my own life and my MS and see myself in a similar situation as Annette on the sooner side of things. After all, this month marks 11 years of living with MS for me. That's how I tend to be. I can't help but to anticipate the worst. How can I stop my mind from traveling that road? Well, for me, I remind myself that no matter how grave things may look or how bad they actually get here on earth, this is not the end. There is a place reserved for me in heaven. All I need to do is continue to place my faith and my trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ. My debt was paid in full and I have received a ticket to go home.
I am looking forward to closing my eyes one day and slipping out of this diseased body of mine. I pray that God would have mercy on me and supply all the grace necessary to finish my race well no matter how many hurdles trip me up. Yesterday was a reminder of how sinful and ugly this body can be. When the feelings of frustration come out and they are manifested by me lashing out at the ones I love, it makes me hate my sin all the more. I changed my profile pic on Facebook the other night and many of my friends "liked" it, BUT my husband and my daughter see the "real me". The no make-up, bad hair, pajamas all day, and my bad attitude when I feel miserable. It doesn't last long usually, but it always rears it's ugly head. Oh how I long for the day that I will be saved from this sinful mind and sickly body! Until then, I will be grateful for the never ending supply of grace that is supplied for me continuously...thank You Jesus!
New King James Version (NKJV)
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
The Apostle Paul
Yesterday was an awful day physically. It was a "couch day". It was one of those days that I am literally unable to move much at all without severe dizziness that is nauseating and imbalance that can knock me off my feet with a sudden turn. It was one of the worse days I've had in a very long time. The culprit I believe was laying on my back for a CT scan the day before yesterday. I have been unable to lay on my back or my right side for at least 4 years, maybe longer. I have slept on my left side only all this time. Normally, when having MRI's, I will need to take medication. Since the CT scan wasn't nearly as long as an MRI, I thought I could stick it out. Well, I did stick it out but was feeling like death for the remainder of the day and all of the following day, which was yesterday. This is how life rolls for me. One day I'm posting pictures of a smiling me on Facebook, and the very next day I'm too sick to smile or move.
While we were away I didn't go on Facebook as much as I normally do because I was out of the house and keeping busy. One of the times that I did check it, I saw a few words that literally took my breath away...Sad, Annette, Died.... A few weeks ago I decided to re-watch some videos of Annette Funicello that her husband had allowed to be shown of her most recent condition. She looked nothing like the Annette we all remembered from her "Beach Blanket Bingo" days. Multiple Sclerosis had ravaged her body. Some would ask, "why would you torture yourself by watching those videos?", but I had to see what this hideous disease had done to her. Quite often as people, when we get sicker and sicker, we tend to go away and retreat out of the public eye. After watching these videos again, I cried. I put Annette on my prayer list and added one of her Facebook pages as another reminder for me to pray for her. While we were driving to Ohio, I learned on Facebook that she had died. I didn't expect to see that she passed away. I cried. My heart was heavy. I pray she knew The Lord Jesus.
I couldn't help but to fast forward my own life and my MS and see myself in a similar situation as Annette on the sooner side of things. After all, this month marks 11 years of living with MS for me. That's how I tend to be. I can't help but to anticipate the worst. How can I stop my mind from traveling that road? Well, for me, I remind myself that no matter how grave things may look or how bad they actually get here on earth, this is not the end. There is a place reserved for me in heaven. All I need to do is continue to place my faith and my trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ. My debt was paid in full and I have received a ticket to go home.
I am looking forward to closing my eyes one day and slipping out of this diseased body of mine. I pray that God would have mercy on me and supply all the grace necessary to finish my race well no matter how many hurdles trip me up. Yesterday was a reminder of how sinful and ugly this body can be. When the feelings of frustration come out and they are manifested by me lashing out at the ones I love, it makes me hate my sin all the more. I changed my profile pic on Facebook the other night and many of my friends "liked" it, BUT my husband and my daughter see the "real me". The no make-up, bad hair, pajamas all day, and my bad attitude when I feel miserable. It doesn't last long usually, but it always rears it's ugly head. Oh how I long for the day that I will be saved from this sinful mind and sickly body! Until then, I will be grateful for the never ending supply of grace that is supplied for me continuously...thank You Jesus!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tempted to be angry, bitter & selfish BUT I chose not to....
1 Corinthians 10:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
Isn't it amazing that when we take our eyes off our fears, doubts, and struggles to focus on someone else's needs, we somehow forget our own? And in believing the power of God's promises for others, our confidence in His promises for us increases. Renee Swope, from Encouragement for Today Devotion
Sometimes my problems, the large ones as well as all the petty ones, begin to add up to a point where I feel completely paralyzed. Not in the literal sense, but figuratively. Kenny and I just returned from a trip to Dayton, Ohio to watch our high school senior Taylor perform in her very last color guard competition for high school. Due to my MS, and more specifically my vestibular issues, we chose not to fly on an airplane. I feel as if the cabin pressure would be too much for me. I'm scared to death of entering a state of chronic vertigo, which I have suffered greatly through for many months at a time in the past. Dizziness is somewhat workable once you have become used to living with it, but vertigo is completely unlivable and unworkable. So we decided to drive the scenic route to Ohio, taking our time as we made it into as much of a vacation as possible. This vacation would be very different though. This time we would be bringing "my chariot" (wheelchair) with all intentions of using it. You see, my legs just won't allow me to walk long distances anymore. Even if I were able to physically walk far, my head gets dizzier the more I walk around. In fact, conserving my legs by using the wheelchair doesn't help my dizziness as I'm being pushed around. This causes great anxiety to well up within me. If I were to allow myself to truly consider what this dreadful disease has done to my body, I would sob uncontrollably and never stop. These are the times that I have to speak God's truths to myself and believe them no matter how miserable I may be feeling. There is the temptation to be angry, bitter and selfish but I don't want to be that way and I know I have some important choices to make both daily and moment by moment as to how I will deal with the circumstances that The Lord, in His sovereignty, has allowed in my life. Some of the choices that I had to make while we were away included succumbing to "looking disabled". It is what it is. I AM disabled in many ways and that is a hard pill to swallow. Although it is nothing to be ashamed of, I'll admit that I felt somewhat embarrassed by being viewed this way by others. I can't lie. It's a major life adjustment that doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual process.
Although traveling was difficult for me and I didn't feel very well while we were away, I made some choices that I am very glad about. First of all, I chose to go on the trip. It would have been a lot easier to have Kenny fly up to Ohio alone. I would have been more comfortable staying at home, but I chose to accompany my husband and my desire to watch Taylor perform made me unstoppable. I chose to allow Kenny to push me around Savannah, GA in an area that was far from wheelchair accessible (being pushed on ancient cobblestone roads with a dizzy head can be torture), I chose to allow Kenny to take pictures of me in my "chariot" and I came to appreciate it all the more because it allowed me to get around without completely exhausting myself. I rode around Gatlinburg, TN the same way. One of my biggest moments came in Ohio as Kenny and I fell in love with the Air Force Museum. We actually went there 3 days in a row. We went to the information center during our second visit to find out about the bus trips they have where they bring you onto the actual Air Force base to visit a very special display of presidential planes, such as the old retired Air Force Ones. Special arrangements were made for Kenny and I as we would be chaperoned by our own driver of their handicapped vehicle. Instead of waiting in long lines in the cold, we were given our own private ride to the base. This was really stepping out of my comfort zone. Being lifted up on a ramp to be put in this vehicle was surreal, but I wasn't going to allow my pride to prevent me and my husband from seeing these awesome sights.
Between the traveling, the excursions, the pressure in my ears from driving through the mountains, the early rising and the late nights, my body was ready to come home and rest. I was pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, but all in all I am SO glad that I went! I have no regrets. We took the ride home that we were going to do in three days and changed it to a very long and tiring 21 hours of driving straight home in one shot. Lots of prayer, coffee and a 5 hour energy drink for Kenny and we were on our way home. I'm blessed to have a husband who can roll with my whims. I'm blessed to have my God to cry out to when I'm hurting and feeling tempted to feel sorry for myself. I'm also blessed to have a future in store for me where there will be no more wheelchairs, walkers and canes! Praise be to God, the Father of new mercies every single morning, I need them....
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS to West Broward High School for coming in 4th place in Scholastic World at the WGI Championship in Dayton, Ohio. Taylor Valentine, we love you and are so proud of all your hard work and accomplishments!!! <3
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
Isn't it amazing that when we take our eyes off our fears, doubts, and struggles to focus on someone else's needs, we somehow forget our own? And in believing the power of God's promises for others, our confidence in His promises for us increases. Renee Swope, from Encouragement for Today Devotion
Sometimes my problems, the large ones as well as all the petty ones, begin to add up to a point where I feel completely paralyzed. Not in the literal sense, but figuratively. Kenny and I just returned from a trip to Dayton, Ohio to watch our high school senior Taylor perform in her very last color guard competition for high school. Due to my MS, and more specifically my vestibular issues, we chose not to fly on an airplane. I feel as if the cabin pressure would be too much for me. I'm scared to death of entering a state of chronic vertigo, which I have suffered greatly through for many months at a time in the past. Dizziness is somewhat workable once you have become used to living with it, but vertigo is completely unlivable and unworkable. So we decided to drive the scenic route to Ohio, taking our time as we made it into as much of a vacation as possible. This vacation would be very different though. This time we would be bringing "my chariot" (wheelchair) with all intentions of using it. You see, my legs just won't allow me to walk long distances anymore. Even if I were able to physically walk far, my head gets dizzier the more I walk around. In fact, conserving my legs by using the wheelchair doesn't help my dizziness as I'm being pushed around. This causes great anxiety to well up within me. If I were to allow myself to truly consider what this dreadful disease has done to my body, I would sob uncontrollably and never stop. These are the times that I have to speak God's truths to myself and believe them no matter how miserable I may be feeling. There is the temptation to be angry, bitter and selfish but I don't want to be that way and I know I have some important choices to make both daily and moment by moment as to how I will deal with the circumstances that The Lord, in His sovereignty, has allowed in my life. Some of the choices that I had to make while we were away included succumbing to "looking disabled". It is what it is. I AM disabled in many ways and that is a hard pill to swallow. Although it is nothing to be ashamed of, I'll admit that I felt somewhat embarrassed by being viewed this way by others. I can't lie. It's a major life adjustment that doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual process.
Although traveling was difficult for me and I didn't feel very well while we were away, I made some choices that I am very glad about. First of all, I chose to go on the trip. It would have been a lot easier to have Kenny fly up to Ohio alone. I would have been more comfortable staying at home, but I chose to accompany my husband and my desire to watch Taylor perform made me unstoppable. I chose to allow Kenny to push me around Savannah, GA in an area that was far from wheelchair accessible (being pushed on ancient cobblestone roads with a dizzy head can be torture), I chose to allow Kenny to take pictures of me in my "chariot" and I came to appreciate it all the more because it allowed me to get around without completely exhausting myself. I rode around Gatlinburg, TN the same way. One of my biggest moments came in Ohio as Kenny and I fell in love with the Air Force Museum. We actually went there 3 days in a row. We went to the information center during our second visit to find out about the bus trips they have where they bring you onto the actual Air Force base to visit a very special display of presidential planes, such as the old retired Air Force Ones. Special arrangements were made for Kenny and I as we would be chaperoned by our own driver of their handicapped vehicle. Instead of waiting in long lines in the cold, we were given our own private ride to the base. This was really stepping out of my comfort zone. Being lifted up on a ramp to be put in this vehicle was surreal, but I wasn't going to allow my pride to prevent me and my husband from seeing these awesome sights.
Between the traveling, the excursions, the pressure in my ears from driving through the mountains, the early rising and the late nights, my body was ready to come home and rest. I was pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, but all in all I am SO glad that I went! I have no regrets. We took the ride home that we were going to do in three days and changed it to a very long and tiring 21 hours of driving straight home in one shot. Lots of prayer, coffee and a 5 hour energy drink for Kenny and we were on our way home. I'm blessed to have a husband who can roll with my whims. I'm blessed to have my God to cry out to when I'm hurting and feeling tempted to feel sorry for myself. I'm also blessed to have a future in store for me where there will be no more wheelchairs, walkers and canes! Praise be to God, the Father of new mercies every single morning, I need them....
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS to West Broward High School for coming in 4th place in Scholastic World at the WGI Championship in Dayton, Ohio. Taylor Valentine, we love you and are so proud of all your hard work and accomplishments!!! <3
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