What is quality of life anyway?

From head to toe literally, my body hurts from the top of my dizzy head to the bottom of my numb feet. The degree of my discomfort waxes and wanes from day to day and from moment to moment. Fatigue seems to make things worse by far. I never feel "normal" anymore. It can be a lot to deal with, I won't lie. I often dream about feeling sick. It seems to be woven into the depths of my existence. Dizziness and weird "vestibular" sensations on top of ALL of my other MS symptoms rob me of ever feeling even halfway "normal." I often think to myself, if I had a clear head and wasn't dizzy and I was "just" unable to walk, I think that I would have a more active life, even if it was spent mostly in a wheelchair. There is no "work around" for dizziness and vertigo. Even when my legs fail me, a wheelchair doesn't help the "dizzy-thing". In fact, depending on who is pushing me, it can make me a lot dizzier. I am stuck in this body and I'm not sure if my life is one of denial or one of contentment. Maybe a combination of both. This disease called Multiple Sclerosis can be like a prison term with a life sentence. I don't like it or enjoy it, but I have a choice to make daily as to how I will live with it. Drawing near to the Lord is how I cope and find contentment in my situation. I choose to continue to be thankful in the midst of my discomfort.

MS can be truly deceiving. It can morph moment by moment. No two days are alike. As I wake up to pain & discomfort, I have two options. I can try and pray myself back to sleep or I can get up, make a pot of coffee, sit upright on the couch and try to get some relief from my spinning head and my deep nerve pain. It's this time alone with God that realigns my thought process with reality, which is a future in heaven with God and NO disease. Until that time, He has a purpose for me...my existence has value and worth to Him even when I can't see or feel it myself. My faith carries me.

My MS has changed my life greatly over the last few years. I have become unable to do many of the chores around the house that I was able to do at one time. Many of these chores have now become part of my husband's repertoire. I am unable to do things such as vacuuming and mopping the floor. Too much movement causes drastic symptoms that may put me on the sideline of life even more so than I am already. This deceiver of a disease may allow me to feel some relief from my dizziness from time to time during the day if I am able to keep my head still. This often gives me a false sense of wellness. The other day I took advantage of this break and actually grabbed my cane and went outside for a very short walk. I walked up our street and back. I have been trying to recuperate from that "short" walk for 2-3 days now.

When I was newly diagnosed back in 2002, I clearly remember thinking to myself, that as long as I am still able to praise God, I will learn to live with this diagnosis. The same still holds true. Although I am extremely limited, more so than I care to admit to, I am still able to praise God through my trials and be thankful. Quite often, everything may sound dandy as I write, my pain is often camouflaged in my words. It is not intentional. God does give me ALL that I need to get through my days. The simple pleasures in life such as a clean floor that was mopped by my husband, a call or visit from a friend, a good book I am able to read (and I'm still able to see), my kids texting or calling me or my husband making a run to McDonalds for a "Shamrock Shake" are all blessings that are reminders to me that God's grace is and always will be sufficient for me. Just when I think I don't have the stamina to get through even one more dizzy day, I do. What is quality of life anyway? I believe that it is what the Apostle Paul described when he spoke of contentment in the book of Philippians....

Philippians 4:11
New King James Version (NKJV)
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.